Here's my fake bio, complete with my fake name:

Fishsticks McQueen is the Serge Gainsbourg Chair of Pulchritudinous Studies at Miepville College, a job she dislikes intensely and plans on quitting come Armistice Day. Her days are filled with cataloging the sleep habits of the Rabbit-Eared Bandicoot (a voracious omnivore), editing a coffeetable book on the Stutz Bearcat, and completing the unauthorized annotated filmography of French starlet Miou-Miou.

Pris Campbell's poetry book, Sucky Relationships, was just turned into an award-winning movie, directed by Clint Eastwood. She will be featured on Dr. Phil and Oprah where she'll moderate participant's arguments about which partner sucked the most. She is currently being sued by all six of her ex-husbands who demand parts in the movie as their award. She currently lives with her pet monkey on an island off of Maine where she's hard at work on a sequel. Jib-Jab plans to spearhead a drive to make her poet laureate for 'making poetry relevant to the people' again.

fake bio:

Lori Desrosiers has been writing as four different people since she was six. She lived at the time on the top of a hill under a tulip tree with her parents and uninspiring little brother. She invented invisible friends to keep her company, since there weren’t any other children around. Her friend Charlie began writing poems first, then the others took over. The twins Gosha and Gosh were particularly prolific with their Homeric odes. The moving and intense rants that Peter wrote were published by the local newspaper under the heading “Rants from the Wolf.” Lori thinks the character of Peter may have been inspired by a performance of “Peter and the Wolf” that her First Grade class attended. She now lives in a small city with mediocre pizza to dupe herself into a sense of anonymity, but is pleased to see a piece published under her own name.
Lori Desrosiers - lori@thepoetrynews.com

P.S. Robert, any way to take out the second 'currently'? I did in my draft but somehow had left it in my browser. Yeegads. Sorry.

Here's mine at 75 words--


Kellian Angelou is famous and well-known for winning the Pullet's Surprise, the No Bell Piece Prize, and the Mack Arthur Genie Grant for her poetry collection exploring the uncertainty of scales, The Waistland. The Waistland is a corset of sonnets dealing with the tragic difficulty of being a size 14 in a world of zeros. Kellian received her MFA from the I-Owe-ya Writers Workshop. She currently lives with her wild emu, Walt, in the Northwest.

On November 14, 1975, the sky was rent with thunder and the Reverend Oral Roberts saw a nine-hundred-foot Jesus in Tulsa, Oklahoma. “Behold!” said Christ, “A child is born! He isn’t as cool as me, but he’s pretty damn nifty, and his name is Biff Buffington III.” But this isn’t Biff’s story. It’s the story of a child born on the same day in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma—Quincy R. Lehr. After this other child, Quincy R. Lehr, completed high school, he entered Oklahoma’s finest institution of higher education, the Five Aces School of Technology in Chickasha. After two miserable semesters, Lehr left when he received a B+ in a course called “Diesel and Dasein: A Heideggerian Approach to Automotive Maintenance.” The “Lost Years” followed, but those are between Lehr, the Oshkosh Independent School District, the driver of the school bus, the twenty-nine second-graders aboard, the owner of the three Guernsey heifers, the state of Wisconsin, the law firm of Harwood, Roentgen, and Fingerblatz, and Billy Bob’s Bail Bonds.


Rendered a fugitive, Lehr fell in with a man whom he knew only as ‘The Fist of the Shadow’, who trained him in the art of ninja. Lehr excelled at killing silently, and soon was elected a shop steward in the Kyoto local of the International Amalgamated Union of Automated Car Wash Repairmen, Crossing Guards, Pastry Chefs, and Ninja Warriors. However, a freak encounter with an irate yakuza and an inopportunely placed banana peel ended Lehr’s days as a practitioner of the deadly arts. And anyone who doesn’t believe me is a fucking asshole. When the workman’s comp money ran out, he returned to school, and he eventually earned a BA in history from the University of Texas at Austin and his doctorate (also in history) from Columbia University. He took up writing poetry along the way, mostly because it was cheaper than buying beer. He’s been published in magazines and stuff, and his first book, Across the Grid of Streets, will be published by Seven Towers in April.

Margaret L. Fieland is chairman of the Department of Virtual Reality at WorldSavers University. Her latest book is "How to Fix a Presidential Election," published by FixMePress. Her book of poetry, "Remake Your Life," will be published on February 30th of next year.

Wow! Some good stuff so far. I'll fix yours for you, Pris.

I'm waiting for the experimental fake bios. ;)

Thanks, Robert!

I tried but I could not resist your provocation:

Tireless advocator; does not frighten cows. Tickles easily; prefers leather, honey, top. A practitioner (fuck theory!) of forklift syndicalism, battles with uncontrollable hankerings for fried pork rinds. Dramatically declined Honorable Corpse trophy in speech addressed to captains of industry. Forever fighting to subvert ego by collaborating with others. Never calls back. Currently, dances at the Silver Gentlemen’s Club. Ask for “the Pink Zebra”. One show a night.

Fake bio inside "-"

"Graham LeCoque is a world circuit poet being published around a million times most prominently by SuperMax Press as well as other prisonal presses. This runaway convict has been tried and convicted already 54 times for murder and has recently ran a plea at the International Criminal Court to amalgamate his sentence into one. He has been convicted of serial killing all editors who refused to publish his work with paper copies of his poems. Graham's latest antology was printed in the editor's blood and has sold over 1 million copies worldwide. "

Enjoy and if I do not win, I kill you! :-P Kidding!

Margaret Fieland has spent the last four years as First Piccolo in the OffKey Orchestra. Her book, "How to Deafen Your Dog," was published last month by Echo Press. Her hobbies include teaching Canine sign language and making custom ear plugs.

Paige von Liber, Pulitzer winner in literary achievement for her poetry collection-no really it's true. 'I Got The Answers', has been attributed to solving some of the worse of the world’s problems. She accepted the prize with a speech in which she gave her thanks to all the literate and illiterate people alike. She enjoys long walks off short piers, coloring and taking flying leaps. When not pursuing one of her many passions Paige can be found in her Texas studio doing something else.

When she was but a child, Michelle Tandoc-Pichereau asked her mother what the grass is and was told that everything we see or seem is but a dream within a dream. Tandoc-Pichereau knew then that poetry arrived, in search of her. Believing that like bread, poetry is for everyone, she has published her work as freely and widely as possible, hoping that it will one day reach somewhere she has never travelled, gladly beyond.

Mujer Zeta is the reincarnation of Senora Suarez, a Mexican revolutionary who once ran in the circles of Tina Modotti, Orozco, Diego Rivera, Siqueros, and others. In her former life, she was the mistress of the painter Rufino Tamayo, before completely renouncing Communism and society, and moving to a remote Oaxaca location where she spent her life studying the Aztec codices. Mujer Zeta herself, is in an undisclosed location writing the biography of Suarez's life.

“My husband has been taken over by a space alien,” claims Poet Connie Peters. “I try to communicate with him, but he speaks a different language. He plans to take over the world by turning us all into blithering idiots. I know of this plot because he has started with me.” Her gravity-breaking book Reflections from the Wife of E.T. will be beamed into bookstores near you April First.

John Susan Whortleberry was born on the day John Lennon was shot. Aged twelve, John Susan began the first ever blog, using a computer constructed from a linotype machine. John Susan's self-published biographical science fiction trilogy Duped (Knowingly Duped, Willingly Duped and Duped Illicitly) has been the subject of lawsuits in 25 countries, and is being made into an important ecological film with the backing of Prince Charles. John Susan's new volume Secret Poems, to be published by international aerospace company Hard Connect, has been eagerly awaited for some weeks and is expected to cause further controversy.

Mike McGee is actually your mother. He raised you in order to have an absolute and unconditional audience for his writing. Mama writes everyday in some form, but you could at least find the time to send a postcard. Would it hurt you to know that he's been writing and performing for this family without reward for, well, all of his life? He gives and gives and nobody notices until he posts about it on-line. He supposes none of this really matters, though, as long as you're happy. Oh, your sister called: She wants you to check out MikeMcGee.net.

Writing as Anna Reiers, would-be author of a would-be protagonist.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Anna R. became the first person to enter the Parallel Universe and return intact. All previous attempts failed. Her encounters ‘on the other side’, recorded in The Book of Life, won her The Nobel Prize for Literature as well as, surprisingly, the Nobel Peace Prize. Read the book to find out why.
Numerous other accolades preceded the Nobel Prizes, with more to come. Ms R, however, continues to search for answers to the unanswerable. Enlightenment may come as she returns from her latest venture, exploring a Black Hole. Await the sequel to The Book of Life with expectation.

Ann Onimouse has been published widely for centuries. After inventing pornography, she wrote her autobiography with her eyes closed. She never tells her age and has never been photographed in a perp walk. She has written odes, epics, hi queue, free verse, blank verse and bland verse. Her vice is sitting in the back of open readings and never rising to read.

Caili Wilk has been awarded the Emily Dickinson accolade for her upcoming work titled, “I am so old”. At age 32, this will be her first award for poetry; however as a teenager she received a bronze certificate for her entry into the middle school song contest. Miss Wilk is most well known for her attempt to break the world record for typing out the letter P on a keyboard; however, after 5,328,685 times, she collapsed muttering “I need to pee”. Inconsequently, she retired to her bathroom, and has not been seen in public since developing severe typophobia.

Ryan Bird has one homophobic bone in his body; it is his left femur. He respects the views of his left femur, but worries that it spends too much time in the dark with its values.

Ryan Bird is often lowered by God onto a stage in order to untangle a plot-twist or to extricate a particularly loveable protagonist from a particularly sticky situation. Whether he was actually lowered by God, or merely dropped on his head is entirely up for debate. His upcoming work "Scooby Doo and the Haunted, Mechanical Plot Device" shall apparate into a bookstore near you.

Ryan Bird has a guilty obsession with the poorly animated series "Rocket Robin Hood". Armed with his electro-quarter staff, and his quiver of various gadget-arrows, his free-time is spent on nearby Sherwood Asteroid where he protects his poems from the intergalactic plagiarists of tomorrow. His most recent work "Sound the Horn in Every Astral Glen" shall be a four of five short poems strung together, and repeated shamelessly, until the next commercial break.

Ryan Bird is a rugged nine-to-fiver who lives according to horsepower-to-chick ratios. His drink: Jack, straight. His song: "Thunder Road". But um, when none of the boys are looking, his song is actually "Every Day Is Like Sunday". Please, don’t tell.

Stella Poesis has published more poems than you have written and more books than the word limit allows her to name. She attended a better school than you did where she won every award on offer. But don't worry: she sleeps alone except on those rare nights when her alcoholic cat remembers the way home, and home has a roof that leaks no matter how many legs she breaks trying to fix it.

Amy Barlow Liberatore was born in the Appalachian Mountains and shared a room, a mattress, and one pair of undies with her five sisters. She learned to read at 15 and became a fan of Beverly Cleary and Theodore Geisel, and more recently, Lemony Snicket. Amy has published under the name Salman Rushdie; the fortune she made allowed her to hire a surrogate to take the heat.

She has been published in Geek Weekly, IBS Digest, and the 19th edition of Robert Lee’s Strange Brew. Amy was recently named Poet Laureate of Akron, Ohio.

Here's another one:
Sally Evans was born at Bletchley during the second world war, where her mother was staying on a farm while her father attempted to persuade Turing not to throw teacups in the lake. Raised in the English countryside with four extraordinary siblings, she ran off to Italy where she wrote three novels and then fetched up in Scotland. She is an ardent Scottish Nationalist. Her books include Looking for Scotland, Bewick Walks to Scotland and The Great North Road, and her new long poem The Bees is a fantasy in terza rima about an Elephant Artist named Tramp.

Sally Evans began life as a dolphin. One day the dolphin swam to shore and a little girl climbed out. The little girl became a crabby old lady as little girls tend to do. Contrary to general belief, Sally's books are not ghost written. She writes in pencil on loose sheets of paper at a garden table. When it rains she goes indoors and shuffles up the sheets. The new book is the ninety-eighth book to be produced this way. Enough is enough, says Sally Evans. She thinks it will annoy her family more if she stops writing books.

In consideration of my wasted time, I think you had better limit the number of entries per person, Robert!

Charlie Parker's book I Never Claimed I Could Write is a refreshingly different take on community literary activities in a country where communication of the life experiences of members is encouraged and respected. Tutor Esme D. Goody, whose first postgraduate assignment was with Charlie's remedial sociability group, realised she had a literary star in her midst when Charlie's chuckles and grunts caused reactions within the group. Charlie was assigned an office and secretarial assistance and this stunningly pointless but saleable treatise is the result. A must for your Christmas stocking.

Matteo: "printed in the editor's blood," LOL
Pris: love the six ex-husbands
Erin: I thought I was the only Miou-Miou fan
Can't wait for Rosemary's version, also Earl's and Rod's
OK, just one extra, I promise:

Writing as Cavolfiore Odore:

A native of Rutherford, New Jersey, Cavolfiore Odore’s works include, “Who Are You? (and why should I care)”; the definitive poetic adaptations of “Dante’s Inferno” and “Judy/Liza/Lorna: What about Joey?,” both illustrated by Paul Reubens; and her wildly successful how-to guide for budding poets, “Write Me/Bite Me.”

Odore, once poet-in-residence at the Ramada Inn (Promiscuto, NH), is now High Chair of Writing Stuff That Rhymes at Pottawattamie University, Council Bluffs, Iowa.

Zebulon Huset came to this planet in search of lyric poets and was taken in by a band of roaming cotton candy vendors in Dubuque, IA. Through those kind folk he learned the are of popular music and the inane mantra. He once ate a piece of rock candy shaped like Elvis, and writes mostly Sestinas that consist solely of palindromes. His first manuscript "College Ruled Notebook" was a huge success with Mead Publishers, consistently in (non)print.

the "art" of popular music, closely akin to that of misspelling at 3am pst.

Rachel Green is best known for “Shafts of Glory,” her seminal work on the mating habits of incubi. Writing from the viewpoint of a woman who has tasted the fruits of life, her series of novels about the life of the inhabitants of Laverstone, the Hertfordshire village she calls home, was nominated ‘Most Likely To’ in the Thriller’s Guild Awards in 1967.
Her latest book, Plucking an Angel’ will be released shortly before the Apocalypse.

Maurice Elchkopf, aka “Moosehead”, long time protagonist of the multi-flavoured lollipop and an avid Frog collector is set once more to thrill his readers.
Following his controversial “Lollipops, Frogs and Baseball”, “Pick ya up at 7” ( Sosueme Press) is a collection of correspondence between himself and long time antagonist “Howlin’” Ringo Bitchmeister. Readings will be given at a bar close to Madison Square Gardens on Tuesday next. Entry is free and although the performance is rated PG, children and those of low IQ are discouraged from attending as the content is likely to be of an intellectual level.

Iain

Catherine Edmunds is typing this very slowly because she only has three fingers left. The others have been eaten by a zombie dog she created for a horror writing competition. The dog’s slavering soft gums have sucked the snapped-off digits down into its putrid guts, where they are being slowly turned into translucent green goo.

Catherine doesn’t think she’ll be able to write for very much longer (one finger left), so she is very sorry, but the rest of her biography will

Jasfoup the demon, writing as Rachel Green, has been published 4316 times under different pseudonyms. His early non-fiction work, the notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci, have become not only collectors items but priceless artifacts. He published popular works throughout the sixteenth century under the pseudonym William Shakespeare and turned to detective novels in the early twentieth century under a female nom-de-plume. He has continued the trend with a series of semi-biographical novels set in his adoptive home town of Laverstone, under the guise of an eccentric English woman.

Well, I sure am glad I don't have to choose a winner here.

Me, too, but they sure are fun to read.

Julia Faith wrote her first poem in kindergarten. She penned her first short story in the second grade. All through school she kept a journal, wrote her thoughts, and quietly, very quietly, created a small library. Her friends loved her work, but publishers rejected her time after time. She became so disappointed that she quit submitted her writings. Only her closest friends got to read the magic that came from her imagination. Her friends recognized her amazing talent, so they got together and secretly published some of her works; a series of science fiction novels she had written but never submitted. Then, one day, out of nowhere, a little known publisher knocked on her door. And that’s where this fairy tale success story begins. The only question that remains is: where will this story end? Or will it?

Robert McDermott was intended to be the reincarnation of Robert Lowell but owing to a clerical error is actually the reincarnation of John Berryman. His poetry is quite remarkable and is easily the best on his ward. He is currently writing an opera about oranges and in his next life he wants to be a Shakespearean villain. His latest collection 'In conversation with Kilgore Trout' has attracted wide praise and is available in spirit everywhere.

Donna Gagnon left her heart in Shrewsbury and misplaced her brilliant magnum opus somewhere near a rock in Avebury (or did she drop it outside the LUSH store in Chester?). She is now hiding under a table in the London Public Library, exchanging whispers with a mouse and trying to remember what was so good about all those words she absolutely had to write down regarding dead people.

Steve LaVoie was born July 7, 7 A.D. in Watersgrovefield, Antarctica and has been a published writer since 20,080 B.C. One of his book of poetry “Conquest of Patience” is being made into an action/adventure video game coming soon to the Atari 2600. He has won the Award for Accomplishment in the Field of Writing Excellence from the Good Writers Guild, and last but not least lent his voice to many of Charlie Chaplin’s silent films.

Susan Bell is known locally as The Crazy Cat Lady after adopting nearly every cat at the local animal shelter. Her non-fiction book “Cats and the Nuts Who Love Them” has been on the New York Times Bestseller List for over a year, proceeds going to help build an addition to the shelter. Susan is currently at work on her new novel, the fourth in the Cat from La Mancha series. She lives in a secluded mountain cabin with her many cats. Her husband has his own cat-free house on the property. They visit each other as often as possible.

Rebecca Horowitz-Goldfarb is a breath of pollutant-free air with her environmentally friendly poetry. Using recycled text from the Journal of Solid Waste Technology and Management she works miracles turning s**t into silver. Her early background as a reluctant burger king waitress – while working her way through her PhD in biology –inspired her to discover what happened to a burger after consumption and that lead to her ground-breaking poem ‘Journey to the sea – and back again’ This was quickly followed by ‘subtracting the minerals’ and the soul-searching ‘semi-colon’.

She now lives with four cats on a barge in the Thames Estuary.

Odoacer Pinkyring Moses de la Salle Cuthbert-Jones is that weird guy who lives in the van parked across the street from your house. He is allergic to everything, especially air and water. His most recent book, the title of which is unpronounceable in any human language, spent 30 seconds at the top of the best seller list in the Autonomous Republic of Erewhon. One day he will destroy you all.

Jonathan Pinnock is the author of "Apathy: A 21st Century Manifesto". He'd tell you more about himself if he could be bothered.

Effie Merryl was a puritan before venturing over to the dark side and writing material for sins of the damned. Her first book was an instant hit, ‘1001 excuses in the Courtroom’, winning her praise from defence barristers and judges alike. She now pens obscure paranoid works from her exile in Panama, the well known haven of canoe fantasists – just don’t tell they are watching ...

Paul Harris took up writing shortly before losing both arms after falling asleep in a field at harvest time. Typing only with his nose, he has completed several novels although he has to take long breaks during hay fever season. He is also the inventor of 'Look, Ma, no hands!', the invention that guarantees boys hit the target every time.

Effie Merridom did her time at HMP Holloway, living rough in a cell with three mice, an undiscovered transsexual and a pen. Her experiences provided fodder for the witty ‘Tails Beneath Skirts’ - a semi-autobiography of an international fraudster. We have to ask ourselves – just who – or what - is she?

S.E.Ingraham aka Paris Rossetti

Rossetti, this year’s winner of the Romance Writer’s Unusual Love Stories, intrigued the judges with her novelette, “Martha and Her Silverback Lover”, her oddly original tale of love in the jungle; a semi-autobiographical account of her year living amongst the great apes in Rwanda. She has been unavailable for comment since her win, no longer able; it seems, to communicate with humans. It is rumoured that Rossetti plans to return to Africa as soon as her shots are up-to- date; she longs to teach ‘writing erotic poetry‘ to monkeys.(Never mind trying to sign up your monkey; the class is full). We are taking orders for Rossetti’s books online.

I. M. Fido has led a rough life. Abandoned at birth, he had to kiss a lot of arses on his way to the top. After digging himself into one hole too many, he finally, however, found the pot of gold with his new self-help book: ‘Badgers Taste Bad’. Please visit www.EatSleepWoofCrap.com for a chance to win a free, signed first edition of this exciting debut work.

S.E. Ingraham, the poet-madam who put the “trick” in eccentric is hanging up her stilettos.Ingraham, best known for her award-winning collection, “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Fuck ‘Em”, writes from her tree house in Guinea- Bissau, “My feet hurt, eh...” She lives presently with two rare pygmy goats and the understudy to the Dalai Lama. She reports she now writes poetry on most Sundays in February but was vague about the release date of her next book. Ingraham also teaches line dancing to native medicine men, saying she believes she has finally found her calling.

Salvatore Buttaci, who recently declined the crown of Savory Emperor of the West, was awarded the coveted Croix de Pais for his paradigm on world peace. His two-volume epic poem Penelope Is Still Waiting won the Nobel Prize for Literature this year.

Turkey Malurkey was basted and fried, but she didn't let it get her down. Her first book, Gobs, won the Yale Young Turkey Prize and it was judged by God. After her book tour, she starting cooking up some more poetry, and her second book is bound to be juicy. Look for it in November at "375 Degrees" and other fine independent bookshops.

Donna - being a dog lover...I loved "I.M.Fido" - ha ha ha ha - still laughing...

Born, grew up, lost his hair, fathered four, husband to the best woman in the world, faithful to God, in debt, loving life, and working as long as the Lord allows, Earl is a work in progress. Earl is alive, for now, and finally going somewhere.

In the days since her triuphant return from the Beijing Olympics, Kate Baggott has traded in her balance beam for a metaphoric one and rededicated herself to writing poetry that celebrates the modern stay-at-home mom. Her recent collection "The Flexible State," about attachment parenting, long-term nursing, and homeschooling won awards from publications as diverse as Natural Parenting Magazine, Reader's Digest and the Economist.

Jessy Randall has read poems in the Iowa Review, Ploughshares, the Paris Review, the New Yorker, and The Best American Poetry 1999, 2003, and 2007.

Shaindel Beers, the once promising young poet, has decided after reading many literary journals, including this one, that mediocrity is the way to go. Obviously no one was brilliant enough to understand her allusions to the classical mythologies of ancient civilizations, her personal theories of metaphysics, or her unique insight into the human condition. Instead, journals have elected to publish her drunken scrawlings written on napkins at dive bars, which she then drunk types when she comes home alone from happy hours at various establishments. The other nights, little writing gets done.

After leaving a lucrative career in rickshaw arbitrage, Casey O’Donnell honed his not insubstantial gift for understated irony as a ghost speech writer for several successful Republican senatorial campaigns. O’Donnell is the Saidian chair of post-structural Deridian cartoon physics at the esteemed Institución de los Pollos Frios (Des Moines IA satellite campus). O'Donnell has singlehandedly redefined the genre of creative non-fiction with his sophomore effort, “Dim Sum, Then Sum, And Some Other Sums You’ll Never Sum Up; A Summary” It is a “non-stop thrill ride for the CPA set,” according to Peter Travers of Rolling Stone.

My poems are inspired by the tea leaves in the bottom of my cup or the steam that swirls up from stream water that I heat over an open flame. To connect most closely with my muse, I hand harvest the mint leaves and dry them in a hollow cedar log. I then write each poem on paper that I have made carefully harvested and chewed into pulp. For ink, I pound berries that I harvest on the seventh night after each new moon. My poems, sent in small scrolls or tied with silk threads to the legs of doves, have appeared in Up the Downspout, Empty Kettle, and When It Isn’t Raining Review, among other publications. I am the author of 17 books of poems and two books of essays. My 18th volume, Wraiths in the Wrack, is forthcoming from Palimpsest Press. I live above sea level. The kitchen is very small.

Dagmar Everlof is a nudist,expert skijorer/pulkist and prize-winning poet. She was born and raised in Ljunggardskop, Sweden and can often be seen writing poetry on pine bark while tethered and pulled by her 60lb Siberian Husky named, Odin. Her latest collection of poetry "Kold nap spene och line vidranna hoft" (Frost-bit nipples and a rope burned butt)has been published by Skitkallt Press. Her other hobbies include vodka drinking,making husmankost and bareback reindeer riding.

I'm enjoying these entries...and here's my bio!
Catherine McGuire lays a poem a day, but none can find the source. Take a gander at: "Terza Rima in Ten Dimensions" and "The Waistland", which were recently published in her book "Gleaning the Universe: Proto-Poems for the Molecularly Complex". She lives a rural existence, watching the servants carry water and chop wood, and gifting them with the resultant poems. She has appeared in Best American Poetry series seven times under different pseudonyms, some of which would astound readers.

Sarah Francois author of the book "I did you and your momma" has been spending time rivaling in Real life lindsay lohan's performance in confessions of a teenage drama queen. After her four stints in rehab Sarah is quoted as saying I REALLY AM A BUTTERFLY. And fly she shall hopefully without substances as she releases her new work entitled "that aint my spliff". Her hobbies include denial, denial, and re-virginity.


-this is a fake bio

Cool ... I count eleven entries so far from The Write Idea forum . So ... I'd better get a couple in after posting that! Great that so many jumped in!

M.Barr-Myngfluid is a well preserved man in his later years. He has an enviable record within his niche market, having successfully published several anecdotal volumes about his career. They are the life and soul of the funeral trade and have raised a titter from time to time (obviously scowled upon).
Following on from the raving success of ‘The art of the funeral in black and white’ he is proud to announce the latest blockbuster ‘Cachets to cachets’ will be launched sedately and in distinguished silence at the ‘Mounters and Stuffers Club’, Dismal Street. Please wear black and a stern demeanour.


Hgup Salguod is not available. He’s hiding. A little ashamed following the launch of his last book. There was a mix up of course. What was originally titled ‘Sidesaddle on a dachshund amongst the street gangs’ was retitled ‘Lowdown on the low down’ by his publisher. The firearms forensics team is still having several field days with my … ooops … his old house, or what’s left of it. Its not my … err .. his fault. So unless you’re not that nice man from the National Enquirer with the cheque, then you never heard of me … him. Right?

Old Mother Hubbard has been talked about around the world for being so attentive to her poor dog. Dog lovers continue to send her fan mail applauding her heroism. She is also known for tormenting cabinet makers because her cupboard was bare. Her new book, How to Feed Your Poor Dog When The Cupboard is Bare, should be in bookstores by the end of the year. The book has already been approved as a 2009 Oprah book club favorite. Old Mother Hubbard will be making a special appearance in the Pet Shop parade in New York next week.

From acclaimed Australian author Jolanta Laurinaitis comes her next book "The art of wood curling" - a tragic, but hilarious collection of poems on the different shapes wood takes when shaven from its branch. This long-awaited book is the first collection of poetry to be read by trained monkeys at Adeliade's Fringe festival this year. When Jolanta is not riding her kangaroo around the outback, she enjoys fencing with her legless brother, entering tuna throwing competitions and wrestling crocodiles for their teeth to make exquisite jewelery. "The art of wood curling' is a book that will keep you... en guard!

"Faiytale characters are made up, like elves, fairies and eskimos." This is just one of the great lines you will read in Jolanta Laurinaitis' new instructional guide - "Oh crap! - How not to laugh at the dumb things kids say in the classroom". This book is the fourth in a series written by Jolanta; other titles include: "How to breathe through your mouth when a child passes wind", "Children don't know the word hangover", and "Sleeping Logs! Your game to success!" When Jolanta is not breathing through her mouth, she is usually sitting in the staffroom with a sherry in one hand and a ventilator in the other.

Nancy Posey has written a lifetime of poetry without the slightest input from a muse, copy editor, or agent. She believes that with the aid of time machine, she could have had Frost writing free verse, Dickinson wearing more color and getting out every now and then, Poe lightening up, and Plath taking her head out of the oven, sharpening her pencil and writing at least a couple of sestinas. Until that time, she continues to try to influence nineteen-year-old college students to spend their spending money on books of poetry instead of CDs , newspaper editors to publish poems instead of reporting on Paris, Brad, and Angelina, and publishers to market chapbooks instead of cookbooks. She clings to her conviction that she does not need to appear on television with Jeff Foxworthy in order to prove to herself that she is smarter than a fifth grader. While most of her poetry is composed on yellow legal pad paper with a blotchy Bic pen, Wednesdays find her composing rapidly at her laptop.

Karen Arthur was born and raised as a copycat Von Trap family singing group. They were billed as the "Famous Von Craps". Between singing gigs and trips to the convent she wrote over 100 songs for her pretend siblings. Playing 20 or more different instruments she was able not only to croon the lead but also provide all the accompaniment. After turning 18 she left the group to join a now defunct cult. She now tie-dyes T-shirts, bags, and other multi-colored items. Karen peddles her wares along with her poetic ramblings at art fairs and galleries across the country. Check out her website, www.riches_to_rags_poetry_Ts_and_Bags.com, for her latest rhyming tomes and pick up one of her famous rainbow T's to fit your mood, dude.

Crimson Bain was a songwriter for the rock group, Aerosmith, until the early 80's. Since then she has been scraping years of groupie residue and metal-head gunkified dried-on debris from her reams of memoirs and has been publishing them under the psuedonyn of "Ring Tone." When the royalties from such great lyrics as "Toys in The Attic," and "Sweet Emotion," began to increase in recent years because newer bands had begun their partying before they were famous and could not invent lyrics of their own. They paid her handomely and she is living quite comfortably.

Tirelessly true to her trade, Patti Williams, author and creator of Patti’s Poetry, recently accepted the prestigious “I Stayed In My Tree Last Night” award given by the Red Wine Association. The celebrated event, held at Wayne’s Wino Bar and Grill in Grapevine, was a first for the poet. Before being carried out of the bar at the end of the festivities, Ms. Williams’ lovingly drunken fans were not disappointed as she lifted her head long enough to say, “Wine is fine but liquor’s quicker.” This reporter says Cheers and Congratulations Patti Williams!

Fake bio for contest with Robert Lee Brewer
August 08

Jane Daily Penstroke has been winning hearts and kudos since she signed her first movie-star coloring book at the age of four. Today 'Penstroke' is acclaimed by friends and enemies for her latest fiction masterpiece "I'm telling all the dirt, soon as I sweep him out." Illustrations accompany each chapter and a box of wax color markers for your own artistic pleasure. Coming soon to ‘Clandestine Rendezvous Books’ in your hometown.

Amy MacLennan's poetry has appeared in Ferret Fancy, Modern Ski Lift Operator and Sewage Today. She was shortlisted for the Lives of the Ancients Sonnets Prize for her poem, "Rumi Was a Hottie." Amy has been anthologized in 17 International Library of Poetry editions, and she was once paid for a poem with two pounds of coffee. In her spare time, she likes to conjugate Latin verbs, create scrapbooks out of the flaps of flat tire rubber she finds on freeways, and find new ways to knot her shoelaces (her current favorite is the Turquoise Turtle Shoelace Knot).

Razvan Tupa is a Romanian poet of Turkish origin. His poetry is still held responsable for outbursts of rage against turkish people in different Romanian cities. It is said that every poem he published caused someone's death and even three mariages. These mariages helped him escape any conviction of „encouragement to hate” towards his poetry.
He was born in Braila an died as attending one of the three mariages named above as he was cought writing rimes on a napkin by a Romanian nationalist. The killer is currently the wife of the president of main opposition party in Romania.

Razvan Tupa is the name of a fictionary Romanian poet. It is said that his poetry was invented by cheating husbands just to have a friend as an escuse for their absence from home. "He just sent me this poem from hospital" they said to their wives after two nights that they were not at home. "I had to be with him, he's my best friend". His poems were transformed in the credo of a macho white heterosexual organisation that just announced their candidate for November 2008 presidential elections. Candidates name is Razvan Tupa but nobody ever saw him.

Ted Snell is an inspiring poet whose works have been published in 57 languages including Braille. He’s received the Thorn E. Gooseberry award, the Doe-Ta Mentionit award, and was this year’s recipient of the Disneyworld Art Colony Fellowship for his manuscript, Junkyard Sings the Blues.

Snell’s poetry speaks to the heart of repressed social issues winning him international acclaim and nomination for the No Tell Peace Prize. He was reportedly short listed by GOP for Vice President but passed over due to concerns that his extensive international travels overqualified him on foreign policy.

Just got home from 10 days of relaxation living without a watch, cell phone, or computer. Of course, the first thing I did upon returning home today we sit down and check my email. So glad I did. This contest sounds like fun. So, since today is the last day, I'll take a go at it.


Fake Bio:

Cry of the Wolf is taken from Krystal Shanda Leer's newest collection of occupational poems entitled "Stuffed Animals: The Musings of a Taxidermist". Like her award-winning book "You've Got a Screw Loose: Poetry of the Construction Business" and the popular "Wheeling and Dealing: Narrative Poems of a Used-Car Salesman" which opened up the world of poetry to men across the nation, this book offers an in-depth look into the ups and downs of this seldom discussed career. When not writing about male-dominated professions, Krystal enjoys knitting and quiet days with her pet tarantula at her home in Las Vegas.



Wow, I just got in under the word count. That was so much fun I might try another.

Linda H.

Okay, here's another try. Exactly 100 words.


Mr. Ree Chuckels got the idea for his book "Off to the Pound" after being falsely accused of stealing Paris Hilton's dog from her handbag at a California night club. This diverse collection of poems, when read in sequence, doubles as a who-dunnit tale. Was it the big-lipped "Collagen Gina", the rich playboy, the senator, the computer geek or the mafia boss? This cleverly crafted book provides hints in each poem yet keeps you guessing until the end. Ree's previous book, "Food for Thought" combines the art of poetry and cooking and has won awards by Culinary Institute of Poets

Linda H.

This is really addictive. I've got to give it another try. This time not so unbelievable...



Siri S. Lee, winner of the Rhymes of the Times Award for her children's book, "Do Butterflies Melt? Poetic Answers for the Young", has crossed over to the adult literary scene with "Dig a Hole to China and Find Me Some Oil", a collection of political sestinas covering the most recent controversial topics of American presidency. Siri is currently writing a series of poems about living in a nursing home because she feels "poetry should speak to people of all ages". She lives in Arizona with her husband, twin daughters, and golden retriever.

Linda H.

Robert, you will have a hard time picking just one. There are some really good ones.

Kelli Agiden, Susan Bell, and Paul Harris-- yours are some of my favorites. Good luck!

Linda H.

Ago, my last effort to win that book!!!!

According to Don G. Tar, the poems in his book "Tears in my Beer" (2008 Ragtime Review Award winner) were originally written as country music songs. "The words were just too powerful to be overshadowed by music", he says, "so I self-published with MeDawg Press." Two poems from this collection, "Shove Your Moonshine where the Sun Don't Shine" and "Me Paw Ain't Got No Teeth" have already been used in made-for-TV movies. When he's not writing, Don enjoys fishing, line dancing, and reading.

Linda H.

Ooops. The name above is supposed to say Don Gee Tar and not Don G. Tar. Sorry.

Bruce W. Niedt was born in a tarpaper shack in Humilitas, Alabama. When he was only three, his daddy gave him a hammer and a pen and told him to choose. Since then, he has written over 100,000 poems and has been called the “second coming of William Carlos Williams” by the New Jersey Association of Delusional Pediatricians. In an alternate reality, he has won both the Pulitzer Prize and the National Book Award. He currently teaches advanced strophes at Northwestern University (Southeastern Campus) and lives in a shotgun duplex with his pet ferret Bukowski.

P.S.: I hope being a day late doesn't disqualify me. I was on vacation in a WIFI-starved area and didn't see this constest till just today.

So ... which one's the winning fake bio?