Okay. I think the first workshop was a success. Not because of my feedback alone, but because several other poets got involved with their own feedback, including refuting some of my ideas. That's how it should be in a workshop environment. I'm not the final voice on your poetry (and neither is any other poet), you are.

This week, we have the following poem from De J. Jackson:

Musings, by De J. Jackson

My Muse must be a mermaid.
The water's call is strong.
The gentle whisper of the waves.
The pull of siren's song.
My soul sings in these places
Where toes are made for sand.
My heart beats in the spaces
Where water kisses land.
She's fine and finned and flowing
Weaving poems in her hair.
She's poised and praised and glowing
Leaving prose and phrase so fair.
She swims to water's edge
Where I wait, pen in hand.
Waves words my way with flowing tail
Writes lyrics in the sand.

When De submitted this, she mentioned she'd had trouble placing this poem, and I have a few ideas on why that might be. After a few reads, this poem does not seem bad. But editors are not looking for "not bad." So where could this poem improve?

The rhyming? Unlike many contemporary poets, I have nothing against rhyming. In fact, I think that if a poet can work rhyming into a poem naturally that it adds strength to a poem. But be aware when trying to publish poems that some editors specifically state they want no part of rhyming poetry. (Their loss.)

Poems dealing with the muse? These poems are natural subjects for poets to investigate. I've written so many (no, so-so-so-so many) poems about the writing process, my muse, etc., though none are published. The main reason: It's a subject that has been tackled by so many poets that it's hard to come in with a unique angle. And the poem is often only interesting to the author of the poem (or, at best, a handful of other poets). Such poems often come off as self-serving (and remember: I write many of these myself).

Poems incorporating abstractions? Abstact language can kill writing fast, whether we're talking poetry, fiction or nonfiction. The subject of this poem is the abstract idea of a muse, so the poem is centered around an abstraction which already places it on shaky ground. Then there are abstract phrases such as: "The gentle whisper of the waves" and "My soul sings..."

Here's the thing: I actually like this poem the more I read it, but De has come here for some help. So, though it may appear to some readers that I'm being overly harsh on De's poem, I'm just trying to give some new directions for her to try with her poem.

My recommendations:

• Try to write the same poem without rhyming. As mentioned earlier, I actually like rhyming when done naturally. But sometimes it's a good exercise to try stripping out the rhyme to see if you come up with a more concrete poem.
• Try focusing more on the mermaid. Try focusing on the concrete image of the mermaid. In your mind, you can know that this mermaid is actually your muse, but you don't need to spell it out for your readers. This helps open up your poem to multiple interpretations.
• Watch those abstractions. Writing about abstract ideas like your muse and soul and whispering waves often weakens poems. Try cutting those abstractions completely out of your poem.

Note: All rules are meant to be broken or bent. But these are some good paths to try when re-working your poem.

I'm sure everyone else will come up with some great feedback as well.

*****

Do you want to have one of your poems workshopped? Click here to find how you could possibly make it happen.

As you may have noticed, we're workshopping poems at Poetic Asides. Once a week (or so), I'll select a poem and give feedback to the poet. While I hope the feedback helps the individual poet, my grander goal is that it'll help out the rest of the Poetic Asides group as well by providing fresh ideas for looking at their own poems.

If you're brave enough to have your own poem discussed and evaluated by hundreds of other poets, then follow these rules:

• Use the subject line: Workshop My Poem
• Submit one poem in body of your e-mail
• E-mail to robert.brewer@fwmedia.com
• Be sure to include your name

Simple as that. Not every poem submitted will be used, but every poem submitted has the same chance of being used. If your poem is used, I will send you notification and a link to my feedback when I've made the post.

(Special note: I will not be using any poems that I consider perfect as they are. The point of workshopping is to look for new ideas to work your poetry--not to hear that you're perfect as you are. Good poetry is a lifelong journey not a destination.)