Hey, folks--

Today's Script Notes Pitch Workshop entry comes from a young screenwriter named CC, who writes in an email:

"Hi, Chad-- I'm just getting started as a writer and your blog has been such a great resource. I've been reading it for a while and have finally worked up the nerve to submit a pitch for a television series to the pitch workshop."

Well, first of all, CC-- thanks so much for finding Script Notes and reading!  And congrats on starting the "writing life"-- whether you wind up a bestselling novelist or a million-dollar screenwriter, I love it when people finally take the plunge and begin writing! 

And thanks for sending in your pitch... I hope you get some valuable feedback!

For the rest of you, here's CC's pitch for Sarah Weekly, a one-hour TV dramedy... critique away!...

Logline: "Sarah Weekly" is a light-hearted drama that follows 30-year-old Sarah Neel as she tries to navigate a path to a new life with her weekly horoscope as her guide.
 
Synopsis: The morning of her 30th birthday Sarah Sofia Neel had a nice life: nice boyfriend, nice job, nice apartment. By noon, all that's left is her 30th birthday. When Sarah finds a weekly horoscope that seems to have warned of her life's recent upheaval, she wonders what else her horoscope might be able to reveal. With some weekly insight into what's ahead, Sarah tries to build a new life more fulfilling than the one she had before. Along the way, she learns that life has a reason for everything -- and everyone -- it puts in your path.

P.S.  And for those of you who would like to submit your own loglines or summaries to the pitch workshop, you can post them in the comments section, or simply email me at WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com.

Hey, folks—

Today’s Pitch Workshop entry comes from Mary S., who sends in a logline for her feature romantic comedy.  Take a look…

First of all—Mary, thank you so much for sending this in!  Secondly, thanks to everyone who has already offered Mary their feedback and criticism… I hope it was helpful, Mary… and feel free to keep it coming!

And now, here’s Mary’s logline…

"In the feature length romantic comedy, American Breakfast, a bi-cultural young Latino flees an unjust U.S. sentence and clears away the wreckage of his irresponsible past in a quirky coastal Mexican village where he finds love, acceptance and a new life."

And here are my thoughts…

WHAT I LIKE:
I think you’re starting from a great place, Mary, because your story has a wonderfully strong emotional arc.  Stories about redemption can be incredibly powerful, and American Breakfast is very acutely about redemption.  I think you’ve also done a nice job of setting up two different worlds to reflect your hero’s emotional journey; he travels from an unjust U.S. to an accepting Mexican village… just as he travels from irresponsibility to maturity—so some important touchstones of your story are already in place.

WHAT I’D WORK ON:
You’ve gotten some good feedback from readers so far… I think everyone’s dead-on when they say the logline needs more details.  First of all, what’s the main character’s name?  Giving him a name will help us humanize and relate to him.  But even beyond that—it’d be nice to have some details to help illuminate the interesting parts of the logline.  What was his unjust U.S. sentence (murder, robbery, terrorism, etc.)?  Why was his past irresponsible… did he have a child out of wedlock?  Leave his wife?  Abandon his starving family?  How does he flee the U.S.?  Does he run away and escape?  Does he serve his unjust sentence and bolt?  Some fleshing out of these vague areas will help give the story the specificity it needs to come to life.

Having said that…

For me, there are two looming holes which beg the biggest questions…

HOLE #1:  You say this is a romantic comedy, but—put most simply—WHERE'S THE ROMANCE?!  Romantic comedies are never about just one person, they’re about a relationship… Harold and Maude’s May/December romance (Harold & Maude), Harry and Sally’s friendship (When Harry Met Sally), Ben and Alison’s fears and frustrations facing parenthood (Knocked Up).  You wouldn’t pitch any of those movies by describing just one person… you’d illustrate each of those relationships, bringing it to life so your audience could understand it and—hopefully—see some reflection of their own life in it.  So I’m not even sure it’s POSSIBLE to pitch a romantic comedy where the logline focuses on something other than the dynamic between two characters.  Unfortunately, the American Breakfast logline doesn’t even MENTION another character—so I’m not sure how this is a romantic comedy at all.  (That doesn’t mean it’s NOT a romantic comedy.  Perhaps the logline needs to be revamped to focus on the romantic relationship at the core of the story, or perhaps it’s just mislabeled and it’s not a romantic comedy after all.)

Refocusing the logline on a relationship doesn’t mean you have to ditch the themes of redemption and justice you want to explore… it just means you need to study them through the lens of your story’s particular romance.  Here, for instance, are a couple sample loglines that tell a similar story… but through a more romantic lens:

•  When Mexican-American Carlos is framed for murder in Los Angeles, his only hope of escape is to entrust his life to an impulsive—and gorgeous—female bounty hunter who offers to return him to his Mexican village… as long as he will father her child.

•  When Carlos, a petty pick-pocket, decides to hide out in a Mexican village to escape an unjust robbery sentence, he hopes to live under the radar forever… until Penelope, a headstrong political lobbyist, mistakes him for an old ‘60’s activist and convinces him to join her campaign.

I’m not saying either of those is good—or the story you want to tell—I’m just saying they each focus on a romance… you can see where the comedy will come from… and they don’t completely sacrifice the spirit or themes of the original.

(Having said that, maybe your script ISN’T ultimately meant to be a romantic-comedy—it’s just mislabeled—in which case I’d just remove the label.)


HOLE #2:  I think the other big missing chunk here is… WE NEED TO MORE INFO ABOUT THE VILLAGE HE’S GOING TO.  I know I say this a lot, but all stories—at their core—are about RELATIONSHIPS, RELATIONSHIPS, RELATIONSHIPS… and if American Breakfast isn’t a traditional romantic comedy about a relationship between two people, it’s CERTAINLY about a relationship between your hero and this village.

For me, there are two ways to go with this, and while neither is better or worse, each path makes it a very different story.  So is this village… A) your hero’s hometown, or is it B) a totally new place?  Here’s the difference…

If the village is your hero’s hometown (like in Beautiful Girls or Ed), he’s returning to a place full of history and “ghosts,” where he already has relationships… and probably damaged relationships he never wanted to return to.  American Breakfast then becomes a redemption story about a guy returning home to repair broken pieces of the life he’d left behind.

But if the village is a totally new place (like in Doc Hollywood, Northern Exposure, or Cars), it becomes a world that opens your hero’s eyes to new people, relationships, and opportunities.  Only in this new land can he shed his “irresponsible” past and become the man he’s always wanted to be.  In this case, American Breakfast becomes a redemption story about an outsider who—thanks to the magic of this special village—washes away the sins of his past to become a whole new person.

Neither of these story-paths is better than the other… but I think choosing one (or another one that I’m not thinking of right now) will help fill out your particular movie and help us understand your main character’s journey.  (I’m also guessing you may know—somewhere in your head—exactly which village it is… it’s just not articulated in the logline.  But if not… think about it; it’s an important question.)

Anyway, Mary—you’re off to a great start, and I hope this feedback is helpful!

Everyone else—if you have a logline or short synopsis you’d like to submit to the Script Notes Pitch Workshop, feel free to post it in any of the comments sections… or email it to WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com.  You can also email me with thoughts, suggestions, or questions about writing, the industry, or anything else!

In the mean time, keep reading… we’ve got some cool stuff coming up: book reviews, movie reviews, reader questions, and more pitch submissions!

Hey, guys—

Wanted to take some time today to respond to our most recent submission to the Script Notes Pitch Workshop.  Thanks to Matt for submitting his work, and thanks also to Janine for her thoughtful online response.  Matt, I hope you found Janine’s thoughts helpful, and I just thought I’d add my own two cents.

For those who are new to the discussion, here’s Matt’s synopsis…

Title: Downsize This!
Genre: Romantic Comedy

"Love in the Time of Downsizing"

Steve (40) is a miserable, cantankerous SOB, who finds that his long-laid plans for self-downsizing is finally starting to bear fruit when his Boss presents him with an offer he can't refuse: submit to the company's new Wellness Program, and if in 6 weeks, his disruptive at work attitude can't be adjusted; his self-downsizing wish - and the severance windfall that accompanies it - will be granted.

But when Steve meets and immediately falls in love with Alice (36), the sexy, eccentric, alcoholic Wellness Program Instructor he learns is (unwillingly) destined for downsizing; he presents a very different face at work - one of charisma and cool confidence - that brings a surge of curious new members to Alice's program; securing her immediate future within the company.

It also garners the attention of the Boss' who mistake Steve's charade as proof that he may just be what they've been looking for: someone fresh, re-energized, and confident; a man who can be presented to the Board as appearing to be the company's new face during these tough economic times.

Meanwhile, Steve struggles to woo Alice away from a competing nemesis while juggling his new found celebrity with other female co-workers, as he continues to plot his professional demise within the company in the hopes of receiving his elusive severance prize.

In the end, Steve must decide if what he wants - financial independence - is really worth sacrificing what it is he truly needs - love?


WHAT I LIKE:
I’ll be honest, Matt—I am a total sucker for stories about people trying to get fired.  I think there is something absolutely hilarious about people behaving inappropriately in corporate/work environments.  A couple years ago, CBS and LMNO Productions did a reality show called Fire Me, Please, where employees had to compete to get fired without their bosses catching on.  It was—for all intents and purposes—a miserable failure… but I loved it.  So I think “Downsize This!” begins from a strong comedic starting place… the kind of premise that immediately allows you to brainstorm scores of hilarious scenarios.  

You’ve also given Steve a strong, relatable want… to get fired and get a severance package, which is something we’ve all dreamed of, especially working at jobs we despise.  So right off the bat, you’re in a good place to generate story… you have a fertile premise and a character with a solid objective, both of which put you in a good starting posigion.


WHAT I’D WORK ON:
I agree with Janine’s comments… despite having a strong starting place, I think there are a lot of confusing elements in this synopsis, and they’re muddying both your A-story (Steve trying to get fired) and your B-story (Steve trying to win Alice).

While I obviously haven’t talked to you at all about your story, my sense—simply from readying the synopsis—is that much of the confusion is coming from a flaw in your writing process, and that flaw is this…

I think you’re creating story situations based on things you, the storyteller, WANT to have happen… or things you think SHOULD happen… rather than creating story situations by letting characters and events play out organically.

I know that sounds like a weird note, since we—as storytellers—are obviously in control of our stories and responsible for creative decisions, but being creatively responsible doesn’t necessarily mean we can simply wrench stories and characters in any direction we want; in fact, it often means that while we do indeed CREATE a story, we must also SERVE the story… or, rather, do what is right for the story… make it as relatable, believable, and powerful as possible—even if that means sacrificing things we want to happen.

The reason I say this in regard to “Downsize This” is that while your movie has a wonderful premise, it feels like many of its actions, events, and characters don’t behave in ways that seem honest, familiar, or true to human behavior.  And since your premise is so ripe… and Steve’s want is so strong… your audience immediately has visions of how this story “should” play out.  Thus, when your characters behave in contradiction to those expectations, it makes it very hard to believe in them or their world.  This doesn’t mean your story should be predictable; it just means it needs to operate within the “rules” and expectations of how we believe people would act in the situation you’ve set up.

For instance… Steve is a “miserable, cantankerous SOB” who has been trying to get downsized for a long time.  But instead of firing him—even in “tough economic times”—his company puts him into a six-week “Wellness Program” to change his attitude.  Well, first of all—I’ve never heard of a company that puts troublemakers through their own “attitude rehab.”  Companies may put an employee on probation, but they don’t usually put them through a six-week readjustment program.  Why wouldn’t they just fire Steve?  He’s a bad worker who doesn’t want to be there… why spend six weeks of valuable time, money, and energy trying to “fix” him?

Then, Steve meets Alice… and he INSTANTANEOUSLY becomes a new person: cool, confident and charismatic.  Now, love is a powerful thing… but I’m not sure it can instantly change someone from “miserable” and “cantankerous” to cool, confident and charismatic.  This just doesn’t seem like believable behavior… or at least, none I’ve ever seen in the real world.  First of all—how does Steve change so dramatically so quickly?  Second of all—it’s tough to swallow that such a miserable jerk would so quickly fall in love.  And while you say it’s a “façade,” that confuses things even more: does Steve actually like Alice?  Because if he DOES, then it’s NOT a façade; it’s a sincere attempt to be a better person and win her heart.  And if he doesn’t like her, then why should we care about their relationship?  Or, more importantly, why is she even in the story?

I also don’t buy that Steve’s boss—who knew Steve was such an asshole he had him put in a “wellness program”—would be so instantly duped by his transformation that he would suddenly make Steve the “new face of the company.”  I mean, the boss knew what Steve was like before… so wouldn’t be super-skeptical of this “new Steve?”  Even if he wasn’t skeptical, why would he make this guy—who less than two months earlier was on the verge of getting fired—the “new face” of the company?

Along those same lines, why do all these women who knew the “old Steve” suddenly fall head-over-heels for the “new Steve?”  Most men spend a lifetime trying to find that kind of female-attracting behavior, and Steve—a known misanthrope—suddenly fakes (after meeting ONE GIRL) and all the other women fall for it.  I don’t buy that Steve—or anyone—could do that… and I don’t buy that all these women are stupid enough to fall for it.

Perhaps most importantly, if Steve’s incredible ability to be a brilliant businessman was nestled just below the surface… why didn’t he ever step up before?  I mean, once Steve meets Alice, he becomes a virtual superhero, possessing nearly inhuman business savvy and romantic prowess.  So where were these skills before?  I suppose you could say he hated his job so he never used them, but I don’t believe that someone in possession of these kinds of skills is an antisocial bum.  Why couldn’t he have just gotten another job?  Or why wasn’t he using these skills all along to get ahead, pick up chicks, dupe his boss, etc.?

Now, Matt—I know it seems like I’m really ripping apart every beat of your story here, and in a way I am.  But here’s why I said earlier I think your process is flawed and you’re trying to twist the story in directions it doesn’t want to go…

I can see how each of these moments would work and be funny… in their own movie.  We’ve all seen movies—and will see many more—about losers who acquire business/romantic skills and find themselves catapulted to the top of the social food chain (What Women Want, Love Potion #9).  We’ve all seen movies about guys who work to become different people to win a girl (Hitch).  We’ve seen movies about people pretending to be someone they’re not to get ahead in the corporate world (The Secret of My Success, Working Girl, Taking Care of Business).  We’ve all seen movies that satirize and condemn the corporate world (Office Space).  

So each of your story moments could be very effective, Matt… and I understand why you like them all.  But that doesn’t mean they all belong in the same movie… and combining them seems to blur the story you really want to tell.

My advice: think about the story you really want to tell, the story scratching and clawing its way out of your imagination.  Don’t pick the story you think is the most commercial… or even the most original… or the easiest to shoot on a low-budget… or the easiest to make as a summer tentpole… or the best to get you into film school.  Pick the one story that will haunt you and eat at you if you DON’T tell it.

Once you’ve done that, write your logline.  This isn’t so you an pitch it easily and quickly; it’s so you have—in short sentence form—the core essence of your screenplay. For sake of this example, let’s say your logline is…

“When Steve, a cantankerous misanthrope, learns his company will be laying off its ten lowest-performing employees and giving them severance packages, he becomes determined to under-perform his co-workers, get fired, and use the money to achieve his dream: starting his own comic book store.”

Print this out and tape it above your desk.  As you continue to work, refer back to this logline as often as you need to to make sure your story is laser-focused and not veering off in weird directions.

Next step: brainstorming.  I usually like to do this somewhere other than the place where I do most of my writing.  I’ll go outside… or to the park… or a café… or the swimming pool.  Anywhere where I can feel unconfined and free of the environment where I do most of my other thinking and working.  Personally, I think it’s tough to do “new” thinking when you’re surrounded by “old” environments.

Take a pad and brainstorm all the things Steve might do to try and achieve his goal.   Don’t censor yourself as you write… simply let as many ideas as possible flow from your brain to your pencil and onto the paper.  Never let your pencil stop moving.  Even if you’re scribbling lame, ridiculous ideas… let them come.  A strong premise—whether comedy or drama—should generate a nearly infinite number of ideas.  

Just looking at the above Steve/comic book shop example, I’m gonna do a quick brainstorming session.  Here we go, right off the top of my head…

WAYS STEVE MIGHT TRY TO GET FIRED/LAID OFF
•  Never turn in any work
•  Show up late
•  Sleep with the boss’s wife
•  Sleep with the boss’s daughter
•  Dress like a clown
•  Fart wherever he goes
•  Eat lunch without a fork or spoon—just put his face right in the plate
•  Only communicate by singing
•  Hop everywhere he goes
•  Call his co-workers names
•  Pee himself constantly
•  Wear his clothes backwards
•  Start selling off the office equipment

Now, I’m not saying any of those or good, funny, or even helpful idea.  What I AM saying is this: I typed those in about 30 seconds of spur-of-the-moment thinking.  If you were to spend even just an hour doing this, you’d have HUNDREDS of ideas.

Your job is then to pick the best of those (and by “best,” I mean those that are the most true and honest to Steve’s character, his want, and the world of the story—not those that you most want to happen), and begin to think about what would logically happen if they were to happen.  

For instance, if Steve started communicating only by singing, he’d probably annoy and anger a lot of people… at first.  But then maybe people would grow to like his singing—maybe it’s a cheerful break in an otherwise dreary workplace—and the office would institute musical Fridays, allowing people to play CD’s and listen to radios.  So Steve would need to think of a new tactic.  Perhaps he tries to sleep with his boss’s wife… only to discover that his boss and his wife have an open marriage, and his boss wants to join them.

Again—I’m not saying ANY of these ideas are right for the story you want to tell.  I’m simply trying to concoct examples that are on-point for Steve’s objective and have a cause-effect relationship that seems believable… in both our world and your story-world.

Anyway, Matt—like I said earlier, I think you have a strong comic premise and a character with a great want; my sense is that you simply got sidetracked by subplots and story elements that seemed interesting, but weren’t necessarily integral to your main story.  I even think that as you go back and reconstruct your story, focusing on your A-story, you’ll see how the B-story (the Alice love story) can integrate itself more organically without derailing everything else.

I hope this is helpful info… good luck with project, and lemme know how it goes!

For the rest of you, if you have loglines or summaries you’d like to submit to the Script Notes Pitch Workshop, feel free to email me at WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com, or simply post them in a “comments section” here on the blog.

In the mean time, we’ve got some great stuff coming up… more Pitch Workshop submissions, book reviews, some great website recommendations, and more questions from readers!

Have a good Sunday!

Today's submission to the Script Notes Pitch Workshop comes from Matt in Montreal, who is looking for feedback on his synopsis for his feature idea, Downsize This! (although he's not married to the title).  He also says:

"I'm aiming for a Jim Carrey inspired, farout main Protagonist, contrasted with an even wilder love interest, populated with supporting characters with their own selfish designs...

I'm happy with what I have here, but if you could offer me any specific guidance with how to improve the above synopsis, I would greatly appreciate it."

So please... take a look and post your constructive criticism in the comments section below!  Here's Matt's synopsis... and thanks for submitting, Matt!...


Title: Downsize This!
Genre: Romantic Comedy

"Love in the Time of Downsizing"

Steve (40) is a miserable, cantankerous SOB, who finds that his long-laid plans for self-downsizing is finally starting to bear fruit when his Boss presents him with an offer he can't refuse: submit to the company's new Wellness Program, and if in 6 weeks, his disruptive at work attitude can't be adjusted; his self-downsizing wish - and the severance windfall that accompanies it - will be granted.

But when Steve meets and immediately falls in love with Alice (36), the sexy, eccentric, alcoholic Wellness Program Instructor he learns is (unwillingly) destined for downsizing; he presents a very different face at work - one of charisma and cool confidence - that brings a surge of curious new members to Alice's program; securing her immediate future within the company.

It also garners the attention of the Boss' who mistake Steve's charade as proof that he may just be what they've been looking for: someone fresh, re-energized, and confident; a man who can be presented to the Board as appearing to be the company's new face during these tough economic times.

Meanwhile, Steve struggles to woo Alice away from a competing nemesis while juggling his new found celebrity with other female co-workers, as he continues to plot his professional demise within the company in the hopes of receiving his elusive severance prize.

In the end, Steve must decide if what he wants - financial independence - is really worth sacrificing what it is he truly needs - love?

Hey, everyone—

Just wanted to give a quick follow-up to Tuesday’s episode of the Script Notes Pitch Workshop… and an answer to a question asked by Scott, the author of Tuesday’s Pitch Workshop entries.  Scott writes:

“Wow, thank you so much for all your help. You are completely right, I know what the story is about but I have not explained that. I think i just found it so hard to distill my ideas into one or two sentences that I end up just writing generic lines.

Should I expand them a bit beyond two sentences? Or should I focus more on keeping it short but packing more information in? I could write a paragraph which would be a lot simpler and easier to read, but I dont want to write too much.”

Scott… I’m so glad you asked, because I get this question a lot: some version of “I can’t distill my story idea into just one sentence,” or “My story is too complicated to be condensed into a single line.”

It’s a common challenge… every writer goes through it… but here’s my answer… (and I’m gonna sound like an asshole when I say this, so I’m just gonna say it)…

If you can’t distill your story into a single sentence, you don’t yet know what your story IS.

Now, I know what you’re thinking… “Of course, I know what my story is… it’s my story… how would you know if I know it or not?!”  But bare with me…

There’s not a story in the world that can’t be boiled down to one sentence.  The Iliad, Citizen Kane, A Rose For Emily, The Office, Freddy Vs. Jason, Dragnet… every tale in the history of the world can be told in a single line.  Take a look…

•  Kim, a twentysomething recovering drug addict, must confront the ghosts of her family’s past when she returns home from rehab the week of her sister’s wedding.  (Rachel Getting Married)

•  Liz, a thirtysomething TV writer, attempts to maintain her artistic integrity, vision, and sense of self as she produces a sketch show under the aegis of a massive commercial corporation.  (30 Rock)

•  When terrorists kidnap the president and take over the White House, Mitch Rapp—a level-headed, tough-as-nails secret agent—must single-handedly do what the ineffectual U.S. government can not: infiltrate the White House, rescue the president, and defeat the terrorists. (Transfer of Power)

Now, these loglines aren’t necessarily perfect, but I do think they sift out each story’s essence: the story’s main character, what that character wants, obstacles in her path, and a sense of how the story works emotionally.

So being able to write a logline isn’t just developing a sales tool, a succinct blip to quickly communicate your story… it’s an exercise to help YOU understand the basic nut of your story, it’s primary narrative and emotional engine.  

THIS is the most important purpose of the logline… to laser-focus you on the core of your story.  Which is why I say: if you can’t tell your story in a single logline, you don’t yet know what that core is.  

Perhaps you’re trying to tell too many stories at once… perhaps you don’t fully understand your main character… but until you can articulate your story in one tight sentence, you still have some developing and pre-writing to do.

Anyway, Scott… I hope this helps (without sound too asshole-y)… and please keep reading and posting!  Coming up in the next few days, we have more Pitch Workshop entries, new movie reviews, some great new websites, and more!

Chad

Hey, everyone—

So, it’s been a while since we’ve visited or talked about the SCRIPT NOTES PITCH WORKSHOP, but I don’t want to let it fall through the cracks.  In fact, I’d like to revamp it a bit.  Originally, I’d proposed doing it in two or three-week stages: for a certain time period, readers could submit loglines, then we’d do slightly longer summaries, and—finally—a page-long synopsis.  The idea was that people could get feedback on their ideas not only from me, but from other readers as well.

But only about four people ever submitted ideas, so I’ve been re-thinking the process a bit, and I’d like to give it another try.  Here’s what I’m thinking…

•  Let’s do away with the two/three-week phases and, instead, make it an ongoing cycle.  Whenever you have an idea… email it to me at WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com, or simply post it as a comment to this post or one of the other workshop submission posts.  I’ll then post it as its own blog post so other readers can find it and give you feedback.

•  Since we’re not submitting in stages, feel free to submit a logline, paragraph or one-page summary.  PLEASE DON’T SUBMIT ANYTHING LONGER THAN ONE DOUBLE-SPACED PAGE!  However, submit whatever you think will garner the most helpful feedback.

•  Also, I’ve added the Pitch Workshop to the list of CATEGORIES on the left side of the screen so it will always be easy to find.  That way, you don’t have to comb through old blog posts to find this post, or other submissions, if you want to submit anything or leave someone feedback.  I’ll make sure all submission, past and present, find their way to the Pitch Workshop category.

•  All the old etiquette rules still apply… the workshop isn’t here so we can bash each other or our ideas… it’s here so we can all get helpful feedback and constructive criticism on our ideas.  So definitely be honest in your feedback, but be polite and respectful!

•  Lastly, if you submit an idea, take a moment to give some quick feedback to other readers who have submitted loglines or summaries.  You can tell them you love it, or tell them what’s “bumping you” and a quick suggestion to tweak it.

Ultimately, I’d love for the Pitch Workshop to be not only a great forum for swapping ideas and creative suggestions, but a forum for dialogue about story, character, etc.  I’ll do my best to respond to as many submissions as possible myself.

So to re-kick start the workshop, I thought I’d take a moment to give some feedback to Tanya, who not only submitted her movie logline last month, she commented on Phillip Sevy and E. Daniel’s submissions as well.  

First of all, Tanya—thanks for offering those guys your feedback… I hope they found it helpful!  Second of all, sorry it’s taken me a while to get your feedback up here, but—at long last—here you go!...

TANYA’S LOGLINE:

BRB TO THE FUTURE, a feature-length comedy, follows 13-year-old cell phone-obsessed Barbara as she travels 500 years into the future, where chat/text message abbreviations are more than just the latest craze – it’s a spoken language used by every nation in the world.

WHAT I LIKE:
There’s clearly a lot of fun to be had with a futuristic world that has become so technologically dependent that our very language has degenerated into a universal mess of abbreviations.  It’s a great way to comment on where we are today and where we’re going.  Having said that…

WHAT I THINK NEEDS WORK:
You’ve given us a fantastic detail about the future world, but I’m not sure of two important things…

A)  What does the rest of the world looks like, and how is it a reflection of our world today?  Your future’s language has clearly changed, in a wonderfully dark and comedic way, but what else has changed in this cautionary tale?  Are people so techno-dependent that they have chips embedded in their heads, allowing them to download movies or talk to friends without the aid of computers/telephones?  Is everyone a cyborg?  Is the planet simply one big sprawling city?  The idea that cell phones and texts have eroded our language skills is great… but how else do you envision computers and technology changing humanity—for better or worse?  This will be the key to selling (both creatively and commercially) your story: creating a world that articulates where you see us headed… and how it’s a comment on today’s society.  (Think about The Matrix, Idiocracy, Clockwork Orange, 1984, etc.  These stories are all set in the future—and in some cases, even play with language in similar ways to your BRB TO THE FUTURE, but they concoct a full-bodied world that holds a mirror up to our own.)

B)  What’s the actual STORY in BRB TO THE FUTURE?  What does Barbara want?  I presume she’s trying to get back to her own time…?  But in that case, how did she get to the future, and—however she traveled—why can’t she just hop back?  (In Back to the Future remember, Marty traveled back in a time traveling car, but the car broke… so he had to fix it before he could return.)  And WHY does Barbara want to return to the past?  From your initial set-up, it seems she has traveled to a future tailor-made for her… so I’m guessing/assuming she begins to learn the downsides of this blind dependence on cell phones/technology.  Perhaps she discovers no one in your techno-dependent future is capable of human connection; babies are made in labs, people live alone in pods, heartfelt discussions are a thing of the past, etc.  But as she learns this, does she use her “stronger” interpersonal skills to try and rule this devolved future?  Does she despise it and try to leave?

To be fair, I think you probably know the answers to many of these questions and see much more of the movie in your head than has been articulated in your logline.  But I would adjust the logline to accommodate more of that vision, rather than just focusing on the one detail of the world’s ravaged language.  For instance, while I don’t want to rewrite your logline for you or push you down a story path you don’t like, notice how these revamped loglines give more of a sense of story… without sacrificing the spirit of the world you’ve created…

BRB TO THE FUTURE, a feature-length comedy, follows Barbara, a computer-obsessed 13-year-old, who falls through her science teacher’s time warp and finds herself stranded 500 years in the future, where technology-dependent humans have lost the ability to relate to—or help each other—in any way.

OR…


BRB TO THE FUTURE, a feature-length comedy, follows Barbara, a computer-obsessed teenager, who invents a time machine that takes her to the future, where people are so dependent on machines they’ve lost the ability to communicate… allowing Barbara to take over the world and become an interplanetary dictator.

Again, I’m not saying either of these ideas is good… or right… or the story you want to tell… but they at least give Barbara an engine and arc to carry her through the incredible world you’ve created.

Anyway, Tanya, I hope this helps.  Thanks so much—for both submitting your own idea and commenting on the others… and keep reading!

As for the rest of you… let the pitch submissions begin!  Just put them in the comments section of this post... or email them to WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com.  I hope to hear from you soon!

Have a good weekend…

Chad

Hey, screenwriters—

Thought we’d take another look at one of the entries in the SCRIPT NOTES ONLINE PITCH WORKSHOP.  Thanks to all of you who have submitted… and please—keep ‘em coming.  I’m happy to hold off on moving to Phase 2 (paragraph descriptions) if more people want to post stuff.

Also, do me a favor—part of the workshop being a success is gaining feedback from readers.  So please… check out the four loglines that have been posted, and give some feedback.  Especially if you’ve posted an idea—take a few moments and help out your fellow writers!

In the mean time, here’s a quick look at Phillip Sevy’s movie pitch…

“A God-Fearing Man, a feature-length drama, follows Elijah and Karen, a middle-aged married couple, as they struggle to find meaning in their lives after a tragic small-town shooting forces them to question everything they know.”

WHAT I LIKE:
•  It reads smoothly… we immediately know what it is (a movie), the title, and the names of the main characters… giving us simple, accessible touchstones to wrap our heads around.

•  It’s rooted in a hugely relate-able (and timely) event… a shooting, death, personal loss.  In other words, it’s ripe with pathos and humanity.


WHAT I’D WORK ON A BIT:
•  Quite simply, I’m not sure what the story is.  Elijah and Karen are clearly in a highly-charged emotional situation, but a story isn’t merely people emoting, it’s people wanting something tangible and taking solid actions to achieve it.  And with Karen and Elijah, I’m not sure of either of those things.  Here’s what I think it needs, Phillip…

A)  I think we need to know a bit more about the shooting and how it affects Elijah and Karen personally and directly.  Was their daughter killed in the shooting?  Was their son the gunman?  Did it happen at Karen’s office?  Were they witnesses?  A small-town shooting affects everyone, sure, but the more direct you can make this event to your main characters’ lives, the better.  I won’t care as much about random citizens who live in the town as I will about the family or friends of those directly involved.


B)  What do Elijah and Karen want?  I know they want to “find meaning,” but this is pretty nebulous and intangible.  Truthfully, everyone wants to find meaning in their lives; in a way, that’s what every story is about.  As I talked about with E. Daniels’ pitch, these characters need "tangible wants"… specific, tangible things they’re working toward… that also reflect the emotional journey this tragedy has sent them on.  Perhaps one of their children was killed in the shooting, so they set out on a road trip to reconnect with their other child.  Perhaps their son has been wrongly accused of the shooting… and they want to prove his innocence.  Maybe they somehow feel responsible for the shooting (perhaps they run a store that sold the murderer his weapon), so they want to make reparations to the families of everyone killed.

I usually think that every character has two simultaneous, compatible wants—the “tangible want,” or the physical thing they’re striving for, and the “emotional want,” which lies beneath and fuels the tangible want.  For instance, in Almost Famous, young Will wants only one thing… TO PUBLISH AN ARTICLE IN ROLLING STONE.  This is his tangible want; it’s physical, solid, attainable… he (and the audience) will know precisely when he accomplishes it.  And it fuels everything he does.  Every action Will takes is a step toward getting his article in Rolling Stone.  BUT…

Beneath that want is his “emotional want,” which explains the tangible want.  Emotional wants can be up for interpretation, but—in Almost Famous—I think Will wants to be taken seriously as a writer and an adult.  And he believes that publishing a story in Rolling Stone will validate him as a grown-up.  Of course, his journey teaches him that there’s more to being an adult than simply publishing magazine articles, but it’s these two hand-in-hand desires that drive the story.

You’ve given Elijah and Karen their emotional wants (although I think you can define them a bit more than just “finding meaning”… and this will come as you figure out who they were connected to the shooting), but giving them tangible wants will be a huge help.


C)  Let us know what obstacles stand in the path of Elijah and Karen’s tangible wants… and what actions they must take to surmount them.  For instance, maybe—like I suggested above—their son was killed in the shooting, so they now want to reconnect with their other child… but she’s been estranged for ten years… and lives across the country.  So to reconnect with her, Karen and Elijah must road-trip from California to Florida to find their daughter and mend the relationship.  Or maybe Karen and Elijah feel responsible for the shooting because they sold the gunman his rifle… so they want to throw a fundraiser for families of the victims.  But Karen and Elijah have been the town misanthropes for years; no on likes them and no one wants their fundraiser, so Elijah and Karen must learn to become social, compassionate people… and go person-by-person, making amends to all the people they’ve hurt over the years.


So putting all this together—and this is not me rewriting your pitch, just creating examples—I’d love to see your logline look something like this…


“A God-Fearing Man, a feature-length drama, follows Elijah and Karen, a middle-aged married couple who has just lost their son in a shooting, as they journey cross-country to surprise their daughter… who’s been estranged for the last ten years.”

OR…

“A God-Fearing Man, a feature-length drama, follows a middle-aged married couple, Elijah and Karen, as they struggle to clear their son of shooting charges… and find he’s not the man they believed he was.”


Anyway, I hope that helps, Phillip.  Thanks for posting… and please—everyone!—post some thoughts and comments to all the people who have been putting their ideas out there!

Chad

I am pleased to announce that we have our first entry in the Script Notes Pitch Festival!  A big round of applause—and a thank you—for going first goes to E. Daniels, who posted the first one-sentence pitch Thursday evening.

Just as a quick refresher… we’re in Phase One of our Script Notes Pitch Fest, where you all are invited to post one-sentence (“logline”) pitches of your movies or TV shows here on the blog, then readers and myself will give feedback.  The idea is NOT to be judgemental, but to help one another whip our pitches into shape and make them as strong (and sellable) as possible.

So without further adieu, let’s take a look at E. Daniels’ one-sentence pitch.  E. Daniels writes…

“Each episode finds our twenty-something heroine vowing that today, unlike all the other days, she will quit her job!!! ...just as soon as they validate her parking.”

This is a great TV series pitch with which to begin our festival, because it’s got some strong things going on, and some things that can use improvement.  First, the good things…


WHAT I LIKE A LOT:

•  E. Daniels’ pitch taps into a personal, emotional dilemma that millions of people experience every day… the desire to quit a frustrating, unfulfilling a job, but the inability to do so because you’re totally dependent on it.  Everyone on the planet has gone through this… the feeling of being trapped in a job or relationship but not being able to quit.  This gives E. Daniels’ pitch an important element necessary to virtually any pitch – relatability, or the ability to let audiences relate to the story and character, to see reflections of their own lives.

•  E. Daniels has also given the pitch’s main character a “want,” an objective, which is the first step in kicking off any story.  Characters with strong wants and objectives are forced to act in order to accomplish those wants, and its that action that creates story.  So whether you’re pitching a TV series, a movie, or a novel, it’s imperative to know what your main characters want; only by understanding this will we understand your story’s narrative engine.  (Having said this, I have some thoughts on this particular want, which we’ll discuss in a moment.)


SOME THINGS I'D IMPROVE A BIT:

While the pitch definitely has strong relatability, it also lacks the specificity it needs to really bring it to life, to allow us to see the character and her world in our heads.  In other words, IT’S TOO VAGUE.  Here's what I'd work on...

•  Give us some more info about our “twenty-something heroine.”  While this is only a one-sentence pitch, it’s still important to bring your character to life as much as possible… in as few words as possible.  Give her a name and a few choice adjectives.  For instance, rather than “twenty-something heroine,” which is fairly nondescript, say “Tara Stone, an impetuous 26-year-old clothing designer…” or “Free-wheeling 25-year-old Rita Webster, who dreams of being a decorated Air Force pilot…” or whatever info you need to give us.  Whoever she is… BRING HER TO LIFE FOR US.

•  While I applaud the fact that you gave your heroine (who, for the sake of discussion, I’m going to call “Tara”) a want, I’m not sure you’ve given her the kind of want that can propel a television series.  While all stories are driven by a character with a strong want, it’s usually tough to sustain a series when your main character wants only one tangible thing… like Tara’s desire to quit her job.  

This kind of singular objective is great for propelling one episode, or a movie, or a novel… but it’s tough to sustain a serialized story—like a TV show—with this.  A) It means your main character is driven by the same objective week after week, and it’s tough to keep audiences interested in what is—essentially—the same story (or same story engine) week after week.  B) In the world of television, these singular wants feel false and “cheat-y.”  After all, if we’re following a woman trying to quit her job week after week, we know she can never ACTUALLY quit her job… because it ends the story.  So we’re aware from the beginning that we’re watching something very finite, or we’re going to be strung along on the same repetitious journey for weeks on end.

(A handful of TV shows DO work by giving characters singular, tangible goals.  Each episode of 24, for instance, finds Jack racing to stop a calamity and stop a very specific villain.  But not only are these shows few and far between, they’re rarely successful.  24 is an anomaly, and most of its copycats have failed miserably.  Remember THE KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY, about a gang of misfit thieves planning to burgle Mick Jagger?  How about THIEF?  Or HEIST?  The robbery theme aside, these shows all centered on characters working towards a single event—which is why they’re often called “event dramas”—and most are miserable failures.)

I’d give Tara some larger “life goals” that can not only drive her through the series as a whole, but generate episodic stories as well.  On FRIENDS, Joey wanted to be an actor and Monica wanted to be a chef… both goals that would take years of trying, fighting, and figuring things out.  More importantly, the characters on FRIENDS had enormous emotional goals… falling in love, figuring out their places in the world, etc.  These emotional goals helped spawn smaller, weekly storylines like going on dates, trying a new job, moving to a new apartment, etc.

I’ll give you some examples that will—hopefully—apply to this particular pitch in a moment, but first, I want to tie this into my next note…

•  Give Tara some relationships.  (I know I pound this notion a lot, but I stand by it.  There’s nary a story on this planet that’s not about one thing: RELATIONSHIPS.  RELATIONSHIPS RELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIPS.  Giving your main character relationships is important for many reasons…

A)  Characters don’t exist in a void, so we only ever truly get to know them by seeing them interact with other characters.  Tara—no matter how compelling you make her—will never be interesting on her own… she will only be interesting in the context of other people.

B)  Relationships bring the world to life.  We all have different kinds of relationships depending on where we are… are work relationships are different from our family relationships, which are different from our romantic relationships, which are different from our friendships.  So when your series is set in a specific world—and yours seems to be set in the world of Tara’s work—you should populate it with those appropriate relationships.

C)  All good stories (or for that matter, pieces of art in ANY medium) work because they reflect the lives and experiences of their audiences.  So by giving Tara relationships that reflect the real world, we—your audience—are able to see reflections of our own lives in Tara and her life.  If she has a tumultuous relationship with her mother, we see aspects of our own relationship with our mom in that… if she has a loving, supportive boyfriend, we see our own romances… if she competes with her brother, we recognize our own sibling rivalries.

D) Lastly, TV shows, especially, are deeply grounded in their relationships.  A movie, for instance, can often succeed with weak characters and relationships but a very strong plot.  Not so with a television show, which needs to bring audiences back week after week.  And while viewers obviously want strong stories, what really attracts them is relationships… returning each week to a world whose characters’ lives reflect their own.  When you think of WILL & GRACE, for example, you may remember a few favorite episodes, but what you really home in on is the indissoluble bond between Will and Grace… their love for each other, their disagreements, their support, etc…. and the antics of their friends, Jack and Karen.

This is why the “wants” of most TV characters are concerned not with singular tangible wants, but with their relationships with other people.  For example, while Charlie and Alan on TWO AND A HALF MEN want tangible things in each episode—to score with a particular girl, succeed at work, etc.—their overall wants, the wants that propel them through the series, have more to do with being good fathers to Jake, finding female life partners, etc.

Anyway, all of this to say… I’d swap out Tara’s want of quitting her job for something more relationship-based.  Maybe something like…

“26-year-old Tara, an impetuous assistant at Moshman Designs, attempts to navigate corporate politics, sniping co-workers, and a micro-managing boss as she struggles to succeed in the cut-throat world of graphic design.”

Or…

“As 24-year-old Tara knows, it’s not easy being the world’s greatest undiscovered opera singer… especially when your boss thinks you’re his girlfriend, your co-workers don’t trust you, and your only friend is the 15-year-old copy boy.”

Or…

“Incorrigible Tara longs to quit her job and start her own dance studio… but quitting your job is never easy, especially when you’re boss is your father.”

(I’m not saying any of those are brilliant, or the story you want to tell, I’m just saying they tap into a bit of the same want and conflict, but they also flesh out the world and give a sense of Tara and her relationships.)

•  If possible, give us as much info as you can about what kind of series you’re pitching.  Is it a one-hour drama like DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES?  A single-camera comedy like EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS?  A half-hour multi-cam like RULES OF ENGAGEMENT?  

And, if you can, give us a title!  You may change it later, but a title helps establish the tone and gives us a bit of a visual image to wrap our heads around.

For example…

“EXPOSED BRIEFS is a single-camera comedy that follows the misadventures of Tara, a young paralegal who dreams of becoming a big-shot lawyer… if she can just convince the alpha-males at her father’s law firm to give her a shot.”

Or…

“INSEAMS, a one-hour dramedy, chronicles Tara, a seamstress in a floundering dress shop, as she juggles a domineering boss, back-biting co-workers, and a freeloading boyfriend as she struggles to quit her job and make it as Chicago’s hottest new clothing designer.”


Anyway, E. Daniels—I hope this is helpful!  Again—thanks so much for posting… and for the rest of you, keep the loglines coming.  You can post in the comments section below this post, or back in the original entry.  And feel free to post your thought on E. Daniels’ pitch as well!