Script Notes by Chad Gervich - SCRIPT NOTES PITCH WORKSHOP

CREATING POTENT VILLAINS - David's Pitch Workshop

Chad — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 15:38:01 GMT

Hey, folks--

A few weeks ago, loyal reader David submitted to the Pitch Workshop a synopsis for his hacker thriller, Hacktivism. So first of all, thanks to David for submitting... and thanks to all of you who responded with comments and constructive criticism.

For those of you missed it, here's the synopsis, followed by my notes. And feel free to post more of your thoughts in the comment section below...

Working Title: Hacktivism

Genre: Thriller

Logline: An honest young programmer loses his job and finds out his wife is pregnant in the same night - and must save his family by hacking the world bank for an egotistical madman.

Synopsis: When young programmer Jack unexpectedly loses his job, he dejectedly goes home to tell his wife Brooke - but stops short when she reveals news of her own: she's pregnant. Desperate to find work before the medical bills pile up, Jack takes the first job offer that comes his way, a position at an internet start-up headed by Bruce, an intense man with a passion to change the world.

But it quickly becomes apparent that all is not as it seems, as Jack's new job turns out to be hacking into banks, stealing from the rich to give to the poor. Meanwhile his relationship with Brooke is strained by lies, as he's unable to tell her of his new job - or risk ending up like Tom, a coworker who had befriended him but is now destitute and living in the slums thanks to Bruce's sense of 'justice.'

When Bruce asks Jack to hack the world bank, throwing the world into mass chaos leaving him to remake it as he pleases, Jack wants out. But with Bruce threatening him and his pregnant wife, and his relationship at home all but destroyed by lies, Jack must make a choice: save his life, or save his soul.

Well, first of all, David (and as snoozn pointed out)-- I think you're definitely playing in some fertile narrative territory, not only because computers and cyberspace are becoming more integral parts of everyone's lives, but because your tapping into issues-- corporate greed, bank power, unemployment, medical bills, etc.-- that are certainly topical hot buttons. And smart, savvy hacker movies-- when well done-- can be really fun and intriguing.

Having said that, there are 3 places where-- for me-- this is falling down a bit right now...

1) We're not entirely sure what makes Bruce evil and, therefore, a formidable foe for Jack. The first thing we learn about Bruce is that he has a "passion to change the world," which-- while vague-- sounds fairly admirable. In fact, he never seems to exhibit any behavior that's truly dangerous, despicable, or "villain-worthy." Sure, he's stealing money... but he's giving it to the poor. So while he's breaking a law, he actually has a respectable moral compass; we can't hate him any more than we would hate Robin Hood, and we recognize that they both answer to a higher, more righteous law.

(And by the way-- I love "righteous villains," bad guys who have understandable, pseudo-moral motivations... the fact that they have SOME type of twisted moral compass makes the human and relatable. So don't lose this. But we also need to see exactly how diabolical they are... and I'm not sure we get a good sense of this with Bruce.)

Now, we and Jack soon come to realize that Bruce has a much grander plan-- a plan that DOES seem more insidious-- but what is it? Sure, Bruce wants Jack to hack the world bank, throwing the planet into chaos so he can "remake it as he pleases," but what does that MEAN? Does Bruce envision a Utopian world where everyone is equal, living peacefully side-by-side, and all our basic cares (food, health care, etc.) are taken care of? Or does he envision a world where he is the sole leader, ruling with an iron fist, using cyberspace to watch and control everyone's every thought and moment? Either scenario-- or any other scenario you might have in mind-- would make us feel VERY differently about Bruce... and help us discern exactly how evil he is, how much danger Jack is in, etc. Without knowing this, however, it's tough to determine exactly how much trouble Jack is actually in.

2) Bruce doesn't seem very dangerous. This goes hand-in-hand with my note above, but rather than focusing on Bruce's big-picture plans, I want to look at the small actions Bruce does... which aren't much. In fact, I'm confused as to why Jack can't just leave. You say that Bruce keeps threatening Jack and his pregnant wife, but Bruce doesn't seem to have much real power. After all, Tom, the one guy who opposed Bruce before, simply got fired and is now "destitute." ...Which, frankly, doesn't seem like a very powerful or scary punishment coming from Bruce, someone who's supposedly an evil megalomaniac. I mean, Jack's "soul" is at stake here... and the worst Bruce does to people is leave then "destitute" when they leave? Not very dramatic. Tom, Jack's co-worker, should end up dead... or get publicly framed for some international terrorist plot, where he's shipped off to be tortured in a Middle Eastern prison... or wind up getting beheaded in some horrible snuff film. If we're here to believe that Bruce is a serious force to be reckoned with, we need to see how his wrath and power is EXTREME. His opponents won't be left "destitute," they'll be left completely destroyed in the worst possible way.

3) What does Jack DO? You end your synopsis by saying that "Jack wants out... [he] must make a choice: save his life, or save his soul." Well, first of all-- I'm not quite sure what this means. Does this mean that if he tries to do the moral think and save his soul-- I'm guessing by protecting his wife and baby-- he'll lose his life? So his only way out is suicide or sacrifice? Or does this mean that if he does the right thing and extricates/protects himself and his family, he'll lose all the material things he's acquired-- his house, his car, his nice suburban existence, etc.? What, in specific and tangible/material terms, is Jack's choice?

Perhaps more importantly, you've set up a nice battle between Jack and Bruce, but the real meat of the story, the true action and conflict, lies in how this battle plays out... how Jack will act as he tries to solve that final question, saving his life or soul. I.e., once Jack decides he wants out of Bruce's plan, what does he DO? Does he try to hack Bruce's personal computer to dig up dirt on Bruce? Does he warn the authorities? Does he try to murder Bruce himself? In HERE is where the real substance of your story lies. These are the moments after John McClane decides to free the hostages... after Carl and Russell decide to move the house to the falls... after Frodo determines he must continue to Mount Doom.

...Yet this is exactly where the synopsis ends! I'm not suggesting the synopsis needs much more in length, it just needs to give us-- and you, the storyteller-- a sense of where the STORY is going, how it plays out, what happens.

Anyway, I hope this is helpful. Thanks again for submitting... and keep reading!

Talk to you soon...

Chad

PITCH WORKSHOP: David's Synopsis

Chad — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 01:12:48 GMT

Hey, everyone—

Huge thanks to David, a loyal reader who submitted his screenplay synopsis to the Pitch Workshop!

Here’s what David writes, open the floodgates for feedback…

Working Title: Hacktivism

Genre: Thriller

Logline:

An honest young programmer loses his job and finds out his wife is pregnant in the same night - and must save his family by hacking the world bank for an egotistical madman.

Synopsis:

When young programmer Jack unexpectedly loses his job, he dejectedly goes home to tell his wife Brooke - but stops short when she reveals news of her own: she's pregnant. Desperate to find work before the medical bills pile up, Jack takes the first job offer that comes his way, a position at an internet start-up headed by Bruce, an intense man with a passion to change the world.

There you go, folks—critique away (but please remember—no bashing; constructive criticism only!)…

PITCH WORKSHOP: Preston's Feedback

Chad — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 20:01:33 GMT

Hey, folks—

I just realized I never responded to Preston’s Pitch Workshop Submission a few weeks ago, and while this critique is embarrassingly late, I wanted to respond to Preston before posting the next one. (And sorry this is so late, Preston!)

For those of you who don’t remember Preston’s synopsis, here’s what he writes…

Title: Thy Brother's Keeper

Genre: Psychological Action Thriller

Log-line: Ronald Davis’s jealousy and envy causes him to sabotage his twin brother Rashawn’s college basketball scholarship chances by planting steroids in his locker. This ends up sending Rashawn to prison, while Ronald goes on to lead a successful corporate career. Upon Rashawn’s return to the world as a criminal minded thug, he finds Ronald was the cause of his demise. He then sets out to destroy his twin brother’s life by assuming his identity and going on a murderous crime spree. Ronald has to leave his corporate life and turn to the streets to stop his twin brother. After chasing Ronald threw the streets of Los Angeles, it will take detectives Garrison and Rodriguez to find out that Rashawn died at birth, but yet lives in the schizophrenic mind of the surviving twin Ronald.

MY RESPONSE:

First of all, I’m always a big fan of cool, twisty endings like this, which feels very “Fight Club.” And this is set in an interesting world that we don’t often see with this kind of story. Both those elements give this idea an edge and attitude that I appreciate.

Having said that—I think the key to making stories like this work, stories with a massive twist at the end, a twist revealing that the world is not all we thought it was—is that everything in the story leading up to that moment most work TOTALLY LOGICALLY in support of it.

In other words, when we suddenly learn that Rashawn and Ronald are essentially the same person, we have to instantly understand how—knowing they’re the same person—every beat of the movie was entirely possible.

The end of “The Usual Suspects” kind of spoon-fed this to us… showing us in quick flashbacks how we only saw part of the truth, but there was a “truer truth” behind it all—and it all made perfect logical sense. We never ask, “Well, wait—if Verbal Kint was Kaiser Soze, how did THIS MOMENT happen?” The movie tells us EXACTLY how it happened… and all the moments hold together logically.

To be honest, I don’t remember how “Fight Club” handled this, but I don’t remember asking questions or suddenly realizing that the movie had huge logic holes.

But in “Thy Brother’s Keeper,” I’m left asking HUGE questions after only a synopsis! If Ronald and Rashawn are the same guy, how did Rashawn get sent to prison? Surely people there saw somebody—but who was it? And if it was Ronald, just calling himself Rashawn, who was living Ronald’s life in his corporate career?

I worry you’ve set up a situation that makes it logically impossible for Ronald/Rashawn to be the same person… you’ve given them separate lives, requiring them to be in separate places, where they’d each affect the world in unique ways (interacting with people, being seen, leaving evidence of themselves, etc.). But doing this makes it virtually impossible for them to be the same person, in the same body! How can Ronald be in prison, living as “Rashawn,” if he’s also out living a corporate life?

I think that question needs to be answered… before you can figure out how the rest of the story works, because it’s ripple effects will touch everything else in the script.

Anyway, I hope that helps, Preston—I definitely think you’re playing in fun, mysterious territory… mixed with a colorful, exciting world… and I can’t wait to see it on the big screen!

Chad

Congrats, C.C.-- A Pitch Workshop Success Story!!

Chad — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 02:45:16 GMT

Hey, all--

Just wanted to post a great email I recently received from C.C., a loyal reader who submitted the logline and synopsis for her TV idea to the Script Notes Pitch Workshop last December. Here's what CC writes...

Hi Chad,

A few months ago I submitted a synopsis for a show called "Sarah Weekly" to your pitch workshop. Well, i went ahead and wrote the pilot and now I'm a quarter finalist in my first screenwriting competition (the 2009 Page International Screenwriting Awards). Granted, i'm a far cry from being "the next big thing," but what it really represents in the first time something I've written has been read by people who are not blood relatives. so far, so good.

Anyway, i was hoping you'd post this email on your blog for two reasons:

1) I want to thank you and your readers for your feedback and support. It's greatly appreciated, and 2) I want to encourage other aspiring writers to write, write, write. Get those ideas down on paper. Show them to people. There is such a feeling of accomplishment that comes from executing your idea and having a finished script in your hands. Don't deny yourself that feeling.

thx again,
cc.

So first of all... CONGRATULATIONS, CC!!! I am so excited and proud for you... this is awesome! And your message to other writers is heard loud and clear... in fact, while being a finalist in the screenwriting competition is AMAZING, and a true validation of your talent, it's a huge triumph just to have written something! That already puts you ahead of 90% of the competition, because most of us never have the courage or energy to get around to actually WRITING the great ideas we have!

I can speak for myself when I say I have a million brilliant (I think) ideas floating around in my head... and the only thing keeping them from being great scripts is-- honestly-- MYSELF. For whatever reason-- and I think of a lot of them-- I always have an excuse NOT TO WRITE. I'm too busy. Not inspired. Need to think longer about the idea. Have to go to the grocery store. Blah blah blah. But the truth is...

As writers, the most important thing is to WRITE. In fact, if we're NOT constantly writing, we're not-- by the very definition of the word-- WRITERS.

So major kudos to you... not only for being a finalist, but for being truly and unequivocally-- A WRITER. Whether you win this contest, sell the script, become a multi-million dollar showrunner, or a best-selling novelist, you are already what most people only think they are: A WRITER.

Please keep us in the loop and let us know what happens with your pilot!

In the mean time, folks-- we'll have more Pitch Workshop submissions coming up (David-- you're on deck)... plus, some great book reviews, reader questions, and more!

PITCH WORKSHOP: Preston's psychological thriller

Chad — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 23:57:31 GMT

Hey, folks--

Today's Pitch Workshop submission comes from Preston in Chicago, who's working on a screenplay and wants us to-- these are his words, not mine, I swear!-- "rip [his] work apart" so he can "fix it right" and "become the next Diablo Cody."

All right, Preston-- you asked for it.

Folks... here's Preston's synopsis for his psychological action-thriller, Thy Brother's Keeper...

Title: Thy Brother's Keeper

Genre: Psychological Action Thriller

Log-line: Ronald Davis’s jealousy and envy causes him to sabotage his twin brother Rashawn’s college basketball scholarship chances by planting steroids in his locker. This ends up sending Rashawn to prison, while Ronald goes on to lead a successful corporate career. Upon Rashawn’s return to the world as a criminal minded thug, he finds Ronald was the cause of his demise. He then sets out to destroy his twin brother’s life by assuming his identity and going on a murderous crime spree. Ronald has to leave his corporate life and turn to the streets to stop his twin brother. After chasing Ronald threw the streets of Los Angeles, it will take detectives Garrison and Rodriguez to find out that Rashawn died at birth, but yet lives in the schizophrenic mind of the surviving twin Ronald.

There you go, everyone... CRITIQUE AWAY!!

Coming up, we'll have pitch submissions from Gareth and Gail, some long overdue reader questions, book reviews... and much more!

PITCH WORKSHOP: Erica's Feedback

Chad — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 00:28:22 GMT

Hey, guys—

Wanted to respond to Erica’s Pitch Workshop Submission from a few weeks ago… sorry this is a little late, Erica!

Here’s Erica’s logline and synopsis:

LOGLINE:
“When the romantically inept son of Dracula travels to New York to find a powerful amulet, he finds he must learn the art of seduction to coax it from a sexually frustrated woman cursed by its dark magic.”

SYNOPSIS:
“Dracula’s son Dragos has come to New York to escape arch-vampire hunter Adam Van Helsing…and find a powerful amulet, the Eye of Khamsa. It’s the only thing that can protect him from the incantation Van Helsing has already used to destroy his father. But Reinfeld has given the amulet to his daughter, Rachel, a sexually frustrated virgin who doesn't realize her spectacularly doomed romances are caused by the amulet's dark magic.

“While Dragos might have his father’s strength and good looks, he lacks his debonair charm. Unable to talk to girls, he relies on his powers to get by. But when his powers fail to control Rachel, he finds he must learn the art of seduction to get the amulet back…slowly falling in love in the process. But after his parents tragic romance, he fears only the worse will come of it.”

First of all, Erica, thank you so much for submitting. As you know, it is SOLID, INARGUABLE FACT that the greatest show in television history (and possibly mankind’s greatest artistic achievement EVER) is “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” so you’re already playing in territory I love. I also love the fusion of horror/fantasy with comedy… and you’re clearly using the vampire mythos to comment on the difficulties of love and dating, which I love. Joss Whedon would be proud.

Secondly, kudos to Matt Star for his dead-on and lengthy feedback to your original logline post. I don’t know Matt personally, but someone should give him a job in development. And since he already commented on your original logline, I’m gonna comment on your revised logline and synopsis. So here we go…

DRAGOS FEELS TOO REACTIVE. In other words, he’s not proactive, or in active pursuit of anything… he’s simply responsive. He “escapes” to New York, and while sure, he’s in search of the Eye of Khamsa, his real motivation is just to “survive” and be “protected.”

I think you need to make Dragos genuinely PRO-active: he wants to destroy Adam Van Helsing, and the only way to do that is with the magic amulet. Or he needs to sleep with a virgin (Rachel) to get immortality, and he needs the magic amulet to help him seduce her. It’s much easier to invest in and root for pro-active characters, and right now he feels a bit too reactive.

THE MYTHOLOGY SEEMS MUDDY. You’re obviously playing with the traditional vampire mythos here, which is great, but there are a few points which are confusing to me…

• What, exactly, are Dragos’s powers? For instance, you say he’s “unable to talk to girls, [so] he relies on his powers to get by”—and then, a moment later, you his “his powers fail to control Rachel,” suggesting he’s able to control OTHER girls. So which is it?... Do his powers usually allow him to control women, in which case he IS able to talk to girls (and if he’s not able to talk to them—so what? I’d much rather be able to control people magically then have to work at talking to them)? Or is Dragos a nerdy, anti-social vampire whose powers have nothing to with talking to girls, in which case Rachel is no different than anyone else (except he falls in love with her)?

(On a similar note, why does Dragos need to seduce Rachel at all to get the amulet? If he’s a vampire with magical powers, and she’s human, can’t he simply fly into her room and TAKE the amulet? Or attack her? Or bust open her safe with his super-strength? Or turn into fog and sneak into her hiding place?)

• I love that Dragos must seduce Rachel in order to retrieve the amulet, but what does the amulet actually DO? On one hand, it seems to give Dragos strength and power (yet you also say he has Dracula’s strength, so I’m not sure what more he needs). On the other hand, the amulet is responsible for ruining all of Rachel’s relationships. This seems contradictory to me. It seems like the amulet needs to have a very specific power… like boosting sexual/romantic prowess. So Dragos needs it to become as “manly” and strong as possible… and when Rachel gets a hold of it, it turns her from a geeky bookwork into a sexual dynamo.

• Who were Dragos’s parents, and why was their relationship tragic enough to make him afraid of romance? (Is his mom Mina or Lucy? A new character?)

• Lastly, and this may sound silly or obvious—but why does Adam want to destroy Dragos? Sure, Adam is a Van Helsing and Dragos is the son of Dracula… but this story lives in a world where vampires can be likeable and good… and frankly, Dragos doesn’t seem very threatening. He’s an anti-social dork who can’t talk to girls and then falls in love… is he really dangerous enough that he warrants being killed? Or—is Adam “evil,” so obsessed with killing vampires that he can’t distinguish the good ones? I think this relationship needs to be clarified and articulated.

Anyway, having said all that… I still love this—and I can’t wait to see it on the big screen, shot with a $100 million budget!

For the rest of you, if you have loglines you'd like to workshop as party of the Script Notes Pitch Workshop, please feel free to post them in comments here, or simply email them to me at WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com.

In the mean time, coming up... we have many more reader questions, pitch submissions, book reviews, and much more! Don't go anywhere!

PITCH WORKSHOP: Erica's Logline

Chad — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 17:41:44 GMT

Hey, folks--

Today's Pitch Workshop submission comes from Erica, who's looking for feedback on the logline for her feature film idea, Love Bites. Below is Erica's logline... eagerly awaiting your notes!

Title: Love Bites
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Logline: To reclaim a powerful amulet and battle Van Helsing’s heir, Dracula’s son must learn how to seduce a virgin immune to his powers.

Please feel free to post/comment away... and a huge thank you to Erica for submitting this! I hope you get some helpful criticism!

P.S. In answer to Jorge's question about the Spinoff Contest... "Is it necessary pay anything?"... No-- it's totally free! Remember-- the deadline is Sunday, March 22, so hurry and get your spinoff ideas in!

PITCH WORKSHOP: Wendy's feedback (Entry #9)

Chad — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:36:18 GMT

I wanted to take today to respond to Wendy’s sitcom idea, "Three-Two-One," which she submitted to the pitch workshop last month. First of all—Wendy, thanks so much for submitting this! And another huge thanks to everyone who posted a comment!

For those of you just coming to the party, here’s Wendy’s synopsis for "Three-Two-One," her half-hour TV comedy…

Think Sex in the City meets Weight Watchers; this sitcom cold opens each week with Emma, an extra curvy redhead, Mandy a philosophical dumb blonde, and Gwynne, a semi drag-queen, at a weight loss club; followed by an episode where the snarky humor shows the comedic side of their martini-hampered efforts to lose weight, manage their insecurities, and understand the men in their lives.

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS:
You’re starting off in some deliciously relatable territory; everyone can relate to the struggles of trying to lose weight, so right off the bat you’re playing with story fodder that’s incredibly universal to millions of women (and men!). And while there’s not much detail, I like that these three friends are leaning on each other in other areas of their life as well… like their romantic failures. Both relationship insecurities and body image issues are rich places to mine for stories.

WHAT I’D WORK ON:
Well, Wendy, while you’re starting off with some good footholds, I think there are three places you need to focus on strengthening this…

1) CHARACTERS. Tanya and Scott have already given some great notes on your pitch, and I totally agree with their thoughts. Even though you have a short amount of time, you need to introduce us to the hearts and souls of the people in your show—or, as I always like to say, show us “how they see the world.” Descriptions like “semi drag-queen,” “extra curvy redhead,” and even “philosophical dumb blonde” do little to help us understand who these people are, how they approach life and behave.

Think about people you know—maybe even the people these characters are based on—and how they “see the world,” and you’ll probably the answers you’re looking for. For instance, do you have a best friend who is terrified of everything and views the world as an obstacle course of dangers? Maybe your father sees the world as a battleground, where he must decimate every obstacle—including people—in his path. Perhaps you have a fiance who treats life like a party, constantly looking for the next sensual experience… and the all the time in between is just boredom to be survived as easily as possible. Do you have a sister who sees life as a mysterious labyrinth, full of weird and enticing tunnels and paths, each of which should be fully explored?

Think how much more your characters will come to life if you describe them this way…

This sitcom cold opens each week with Emma, a gorgeous redhead who attacks every opportunity in life like it’s her last… Mandy a neurotic blonde who views the world as a maze of monsters waiting to devour her… and Gwynne, a drag-queen who lives each day as if it’s a frat party without consequences… at a weight loss club.

I’m not saying those descriptions are right for your story… or even great descriptions in and of themselves… but—at the very least—you start to get a sense of who these people ARE… and how they interact and function as a unit. Which brings me to point #2…

2) RELATIONSHIPS. Just as important as who these people are as individuals is how they related to one another… how they’re defined by their relationships within the group. Like “Sex and the City,” “Friends,” or even “The Office,” your sitcom is essentially a family comedy… but your family’s not defined by blood. So approach it that way… Who’s the mother? The father? Is there an impetuous child? An awkward teenager? A drunken, wayward uncle?

I’m not suggesting you actually define each person according to a familial role; I’m just suggesting you start looking at your group as just that… a group, with different parts that relate to each other and work together, like a machine. And if you understand how each character sees the world as an individual, you’ll be able to start seeing how they function as a family.

For instance, think how much easier it is to see your characters as a group if you describe them this way…

This sitcom cold opens each week with Emma, a bombshell who views the world as a fight for survival… and it’s her job to protect those close to her, including her friends; Mandy, a naïve waif who longs to prove herself an adult and claim her independence… from her parents, her fiance, and—most importantly—from her best friend Emma; and Gwynne, an irresponsible drag-queen who believes life is a non-stop party, a quest for hedonistic nirvana… and loves seducing her friends—especially Mandy—into joining her ill-advised adventures.

We start to see a triangle of influence… maybe with young, innocent Mandy at the center, and Emma perched liked an angel on one shoulder and Gwynne on the other. While we haven’t given details, we can start to understand where conflicts and stories will come from within the group.

Again, I’m not saying this is the story you want to tell, but you start to see how your characters interact, conflict, and affect each other.

3) HOW DO YOU SEE THE WORLD? This is a big one, Wendy… maybe the biggest of all. Not only do you need to know how each of your characters sees the world, but you need to know—and be able to articulate in your pitch—how YOU (or, rather, the storyteller and world of this show) see the world. Chris Carter sees the world very differently in “The X-Files” than Anthony Zuiker and “CSI.” Bill Cosby and “The Cosby Show” see a different world than Ray Romano in “Everybody Loves Raymond” or Matthew Weiner in “Mad Men.”

And an important thing to note… how these shows and storytellers “see the world” isn’t the same as how you, the audience, perceive the show. Chris Carter, for example, doesn’t see the world as dark and scary. Rather, he sees the world as a place where we’re all under the illusion that we have free will, that we’re making choices about what to wear, who to vote for, how to cook dinner. But the truth is (according to Chris)… NONE of us have free will, because everything we do is being controlled, watched, monitored. Sometimes we’re being controlled by the government. But even the government is being controlled… possibly by the aliens.

Likewise, Bill Cosby and Ray Romano see the world very differently… even though, on paper, their shows seem very similar (befuddled dads trying to navigate the worlds of marriage and parenthood). But the truth is… Bill Cosby views his house as his castle, where he’s willing to give his wife and children long leashes to do as they please, but at the end of the day—what he says goes. Ray Romano, on the other hand, sees marriage and family as a political minefield, where anyone can ambush, attack, or betray you… and your job is simply to survive with as little conflict as possible.

So the question your facing is: how does WENDY see the world? Or… how does the storyteller “Three-Two-One” see the world?

To be totally honest, I’m not sure—right now—how your sitcom sees the world any differently than “Sex and the City.” “Sex and the City” was about four best friends trying to navigate their personal and professional thirties… and in a world where nothing is certain and no one is loyal, the only thing they had to rely on was each other.

Your show needs to see the world differently. Does this show see the world as a candy shop, packed with millions of delicious experiences to be tried and savored with your friends? Is the world a series of disappointments… and the only silver lining is your friends’ smiles? Is the world a race which you can never win… but your friends keep you from giving up?

Each of these world-views will generate different kinds of stories, characters, and comedies… but it’s ultimately your world-view… and not physical character descriptions or even creative uses of a cold open (or any other device)… that will sell your series. After all, no one tunes into “Gossip Girl” each week to hear Gossip Girl’s voice over… we tune in to spend time with Blair, Chuck, and Serena… and to spend an hour living in their decadent, soapy, melodramatic world.

Anyway, Wendy—thank you again so much for submitting to the pitch festival! Keep reading… keep submitting… and I hope this helped!

PITCH WORKSHOP: CC's Feedback (Entry #8)

Chad — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 18:04:31 GMT

Hey, folks—

I wanted to spend today responding to CC’s Pitch Workshop submission for her one-hour TV dramedy, Sarah Weekly.

First of all—thanks again to CC for submitting to this! Whether you’re pitching Steven Spielberg, a low-level TV exec, or just looking for critical feedback, it’s never easy putting your ideas out there in the world to be judged, so I applaud you—and everyone else who has participated in the Pitch Workshop—for sticking your neck out. (The Pitch Workshop is also one of my favorite parts of this blog, so double-thanks to all of you… as well as future submitters!)

Second of all, thanks to everyone who has given CC feedback. I’m sure she appreciates it, and I love seeing chatter and activity in Script Notes’ comment section.

It looks like you’ve gotten some terrific feedback and lots of positive responses, CC, so I hope it’s been helpful!

For those of you who haven’t read the original post, here’s CC’s idea…

Logline: "Sarah Weekly" is a light-hearted drama that follows 30-year-old Sarah Neel as she tries to navigate a path to a new life with her weekly horoscope as her guide.

Synopsis: The morning of her 30th birthday Sarah Sofia Neel had a nice life: nice boyfriend, nice job, nice apartment. By noon, all that's left is her 30th birthday. When Sarah finds a weekly horoscope that seems to have warned of her life's recent upheaval, she wonders what else her horoscope might be able to reveal. With some weekly insight into what's ahead, Sarah tries to build a new life more fulfilling than the one she had before. Along the way, she learns that life has a reason for everything -- and everyone -- it puts in your path.

So, here are my thoughts and suggestions to add to the pile…

WHAT I LIKE:
As everyone else has pointed out, I think you’re tapping into some really fertile narrative and emotional territory. Chick-lit TV is incredibly popular right now, from the original godmother of Sex and the City to hit broadcst shows like Samantha WhoGrey’s Anatomy and to failed shows like Cashmere Mafia and Lipstick Jungle… and even Showtime’s Secret Diary of a Call Girl. And as Matt points out in his comment to your submission, last February ABC Family acquired Sophie, CBC’s show about a young talent agent. So I think you’re playing in a rich, lucrative sandbox.

You also have a fun hook in Sarah’s weekly horoscopes… they’re kind of your version of Meredith’s thematic voice-over that bookends each episode of Grey’s Anatomy. So you’re off to a good start!

WHAT I THINK YOU SHOULD WORK ON:
Obviously, CC, as the comments to your submission indicate, people are responding to the “horoscope framework” of your show idea, both the chick-lit territory and the narrative device of the weekly horoscopes. But to be honest, I think your series, or at least your pitch, is still missing the one thing it really needs to get sold, and that is…

Who the hell is Sarah Sofia Neel?

That’s the one thing producers and executives really want and need to know… and it’s the bedrock of your entire series. After all, no one is going to tune in to see a weekly horoscope… the horoscopes are merely a device, a gimmick (albeit a good one), to introduce each episode’s theme or story. People are going to tune in because they relate to, root for, invest in, and—quite literally—fall in love with Sarah Neel. (…in the same way that no one tunes into Grey’s Anatomy to hear Meredith’s thematic bookends and learn her “lesson of the week”; they tune in because they understand and relate to Meredith Grey. Her desires, passions, fears and frustrations mirror the emotional experiences of her viewers. In other words: in Meredith, viewers see some kind of representation of themselves… and if she’s not exactly the same person as all her viewers, she’s someone they hate… or would like to be… or fear becoming. She is, somehow, an extension of some part of her viewers’ emotional lives. Thus, you would never pitch Grey’s Anatomy by focusing on her voice-over and the beginning and end of each show; you’d focus on truly bringing to life the character of Meredith Grey.)

So while all the little tidbits of Sarah’s backstory (losing her boyfriend, job, and apartment) are interesting, and they certainly help usher us into Sarah’s story, your most important task in this pitch is to let us get to know Sarah as intimately as possible in the short time you have.

And by “get to know,” I do NOT mean telling us her hometown or her favorite food or the name of her cat or what she has for breakfast on Saturday mornings.

What I mean is… you need to give your pitch’s audience a crystal-clear sense of how this woman sees the world. Is Sarah a starry-eyed optimist, who—even when her job, her home, and her boyfriend are ripped away—forges ahead undaunted? Is she a broody cynic who believes the world is a dark, dangerous place where each day is simply a battle for survival? Does she view life as a game, a vicious race to some undetermined finish line… and the prize goes only to those who aren’t afraid to do whatever it takes to win?

Maybe Sarah sees herself as a victim, an unwitting mark in some cruel cosmic joke, and she must learn to grow a spine and take charge of her own destiny. Or perhaps she views life as a cutthroat war… a war in which she has always been a cunning and ruthless warrior… and the loss of her job/apartment/boyfriend is a wake up call that tells her she needs to find some heart and compassion. Or she’s always been a devout atheist who believes solely in free will… until—just after she loses all that’s important to her—she stumbles across these uncannily accurate horoscopes… and must suddenly re-evaluate and re-strategize her life.

I’m not saying any of these suggestions is right for you, Sarah, or the show… I’m just saying that whomever this character is, you need to know it and articulate it to us, your audience. And this isn’t simply a matter of listing adjectives or boiling her down to a few short sentences; it’s a matter of understanding her at the deepest level.

Think of people who are close to you in your life: your parents, your sister, your husband or boyfriend, you best buddy, your college roommate, etc. If I were to ask you to think of any of them in certain situations, you would probably know IMMEDIATELY how they would behave. How would your mother act if you asked her to loan you $10,000? How does your sister behave on a first date? Who’s the first person your husband/boyfriend would call if you told him you’d cheated on him? What would your best friend say if she met her favorite rock star? Where would your roommate go immediately after learning she was failing out of school?

I’m guessing most of these answers were gut reactions—you know these people so well the answers barely need thinking about. This isn’t because you know all their favorite bands or least favorite movies… it’s because you know how they see the world. You know that your mom views the world as an obstacle course of deadly dangers… and her job is simply to protect those she loves. You know that your husband or boyfriend views the world as a constant party… and his job is to never grow up and have as much fun as possible. You know your best girlfriend views the world as a façade… a gigantic illusion where common people falsely believe they have purpose and free will, when—in reality—we’re all just pawns of the rich and powerful.

TV characters work the same way. The Office’s Michael Scott views his Dunder Mifflin branch as his family and he’s the father... even though he's totally unaware that he's a manchild who lacks the maturity to actually lead. Prison Break’s Michael Scofield views the world, or society, as a chessboard on which there are clearly two sides—good and evil—and society’s rules can be twisted, bent, or broken as long as it’s done in the name of good (the lines he’ll never cross, however, are betraying those close to him: Lincoln, Sucre, Sara, etc.).

This is how well you need to know Sarah Neel. Now, I’m guessing you know some of this—and maybe more than you think—you simply haven’t articulated it in the pitch. But based on the framework of your series, here are some personal, emotional, and thematic areas I’d explore to help find some insight into who Sarah Neel is…

• OTHER PEOPLE IN SARAH’S LIFE. Characters are defined not only by who they are as individuals—by how they, as individuals, see the world—but also by their relationships with other people. Who are the most important people in Sarah Neel’s life… and how does she relate to them? Her brother, an arrogant womanizer whom she views as lazy child? Her mom, a mid-fifties wannabe actress who has always acted more like a girlfriend than a genuine parent? Her father, a money-grubbing workaholic who views children as annoying (but necessary) appendages? Her old boss, who sees every employee—female OR male—as a potential sexual conquest?

Think about the other people who populate Sarah Neel’s world. They’ll not only be essential parts of the series; they’ll be essential parts of the pitch. Think about how each of them sees the world in their own unique way. How does Sarah feel about each particular person. How do their world-views clash? How does Sarah NEED each of these people… and vice versa? How is Sarah vulnerable in a unique way around each of these characters? What would Sarah tell each person that she wouldn’t tell any of the others?

• THE HOROSCOPES. While the horoscopes are indeed a strong hook, they also raise certain inescapable questions about how you (the storyteller) and Sarah view life, free will, destiny, etc. It’s not enough just to say that Sarah gets “weekly insight” from her horoscope. How does she view these weekly insights… and what does her feeling about the horoscopes say about her larger world-view? For instance, is Sarah a snarky non-believer in all things metaphysical… until the horoscopes start proving themselves true? Is she a dogmatic believer who blindly follows each horoscope’s advice… thus constantly finding herself in awkward and hilarious misadventures? Or is she a pragmatic skeptic who believes the horoscopes aren’t divine advice, but the brainchild of a kindred spirit… and if she can meet the man writing them, she’ll find her soulmate?

Whatever you decide, I think you’ll find that Sarah Neel’s attitude toward the horoscopes—and all the issues surrounding horoscopes: fate, pre-determination, karma, etc.—reveal a lot about who Sarah is and she sees the larger picture of her world.

• WHERE DO YOU WANT SARAH TO END UP? What’s her personal/emotional journey? And while she may not (in fact, almost definitely WILL not, if your show makes it on the air) actually end up where you initially envision her, thinking about where you’d like her to go often helps illuminate the central questions and issues of her life. For instance, if you know you’d like her to go from homeless, jobless, and partner-less to having her own husband, a sexy husband, and an enormous mansion, you can start to realize the emotional and narrative steps it’ll take to get her there. But those steps and lessons are different than if you want Sarah to wind up remaining single (but realizing she can survive on her own), struggling in her career (yet enjoying the challenges), and in a tiny one-bedroom house (which she bought with her own meager savings). And THOSE emotional steps are different than if you want Sarah to start off with a successful career, a knock-out boyfriend, and a killer townhouse… then lose it all and wind up alone, penniless, and sleeping in a gutter.

When you’re actually pitching this to producers or executives, you probably won’t tell them where you think Sarah’s journey (and the series) will end—in fact, having your series pitch that choreographed can hurt your chances of selling it—but it WILL help you zero in on the core pillars of who Sarah is… and, therefore, how she sees the world around her.

Anyway, CC, I hope this is helpful feedback. As your other readers have clearly pointed out, you are off to a great start… you’ve created a terrific device to get in and out of your stories… you have the seeds of a vibrant character and a wonderful world… and I think you’re well on yor way to fleshing out a terrific hit series!

As for the rest of you (and CC, too)—thanks for all your feedback… and please CLICK HERE and offer some supportive criticism for our latest entry in the Script Notes Pitch Workshop: Wendy’s sitcom pitch for Three-Two-One.

Talk to you all soon!

Chad

PITCH WORKSHOP: Entry #9

Chad — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 22:21:18 GMT

Today's Pitch Workshop submission comes from Wendy, who sends in a synopsis of her sitcom idea, Three-Two-One, to get some feedback from all you readers out there...

Think Sex in the City meets Weight Watchers; this sitcom cold opens each week with Emma, an extra curvy redhead, Mandy a philosophical dumb blonde, and Gwynne, a semi drag-queen, at a weight loss club; followed by an episode where the snarky humor shows the comedic side of their martini-hampered efforts to lose weight, manage their insecurities, and understand the men in their lives.

Wendy-- thanks so much for submitting this.

Readers-- critique away!

Coming up... responses to this and other Pitch Workshop entries... plus, Merik's question about pilots, Erica's question about spec scripts, Ronke's question about writing samples, and Mel's question about fight scenes. And-- some great interviews and book reviews...

PITCH WORKSHOP: Entry #8

Chad — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 06:10:08 GMT

Hey, folks--

Today's Script Notes Pitch Workshop entry comes from a young screenwriter named CC, who writes in an email:

"Hi, Chad-- I'm just getting started as a writer and your blog has been such a great resource. I've been reading it for a while and have finally worked up the nerve to submit a pitch for a television series to the pitch workshop."

Well, first of all, CC-- thanks so much for finding Script Notes and reading! And congrats on starting the "writing life"-- whether you wind up a bestselling novelist or a million-dollar screenwriter, I love it when people finally take the plunge and begin writing!

And thanks for sending in your pitch... I hope you get some valuable feedback!

For the rest of you, here's CC's pitch for Sarah Weekly, a one-hour TV dramedy... critique away!...

Logline: "Sarah Weekly" is a light-hearted drama that follows 30-year-old Sarah Neel as she tries to navigate a path to a new life with her weekly horoscope as her guide.

Synopsis: The morning of her 30th birthday Sarah Sofia Neel had a nice life: nice boyfriend, nice job, nice apartment. By noon, all that's left is her 30th birthday. When Sarah finds a weekly horoscope that seems to have warned of her life's recent upheaval, she wonders what else her horoscope might be able to reveal. With some weekly insight into what's ahead, Sarah tries to build a new life more fulfilling than the one she had before. Along the way, she learns that life has a reason for everything -- and everyone -- it puts in your path.

P.S. And for those of you who would like to submit your own loglines or summaries to the pitch workshop, you can post them in the comments section, or simply email me at WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com.

PITCH WORKSHOP: Entry #7 Feedback

Chad — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 01:01:23 GMT

Hey, folks—

Today’s Pitch Workshop entry comes from Mary S., who sends in a logline for her feature romantic comedy. Take a look…

First of all—Mary, thank you so much for sending this in! Secondly, thanks to everyone who has already offered Mary their feedback and criticism… I hope it was helpful, Mary… and feel free to keep it coming!

And now, here’s Mary’s logline…

"In the feature length romantic comedy, American Breakfast, a bi-cultural young Latino flees an unjust U.S. sentence and clears away the wreckage of his irresponsible past in a quirky coastal Mexican village where he finds love, acceptance and a new life."

And here are my thoughts…

WHAT I LIKE:
I think you’re starting from a great place, Mary, because your story has a wonderfully strong emotional arc. Stories about redemption can be incredibly powerful, and American Breakfast is very acutely about redemption. I think you’ve also done a nice job of setting up two different worlds to reflect your hero’s emotional journey; he travels from an unjust U.S. to an accepting Mexican village… just as he travels from irresponsibility to maturity—so some important touchstones of your story are already in place.

WHAT I’D WORK ON:
You’ve gotten some good feedback from readers so far… I think everyone’s dead-on when they say the logline needs more details. First of all, what’s the main character’s name? Giving him a name will help us humanize and relate to him. But even beyond that—it’d be nice to have some details to help illuminate the interesting parts of the logline. What was his unjust U.S. sentence (murder, robbery, terrorism, etc.)? Why was his past irresponsible… did he have a child out of wedlock? Leave his wife? Abandon his starving family? How does he flee the U.S.? Does he run away and escape? Does he serve his unjust sentence and bolt? Some fleshing out of these vague areas will help give the story the specificity it needs to come to life.

Having said that…

For me, there are two looming holes which beg the biggest questions…

HOLE #1: You say this is a romantic comedy, but—put most simply—WHERE'S THE ROMANCE?! Romantic comedies are never about just one person, they’re about a relationship… Harold and Maude’s May/December romance (Harold & Maude), Harry and Sally’s friendship (When Harry Met Sally), Ben and Alison’s fears and frustrations facing parenthood (Knocked Up). You wouldn’t pitch any of those movies by describing just one person… you’d illustrate each of those relationships, bringing it to life so your audience could understand it and—hopefully—see some reflection of their own life in it. So I’m not even sure it’s POSSIBLE to pitch a romantic comedy where the logline focuses on something other than the dynamic between two characters. Unfortunately, the American Breakfast logline doesn’t even MENTION another character—so I’m not sure how this is a romantic comedy at all. (That doesn’t mean it’s NOT a romantic comedy. Perhaps the logline needs to be revamped to focus on the romantic relationship at the core of the story, or perhaps it’s just mislabeled and it’s not a romantic comedy after all.)

Refocusing the logline on a relationship doesn’t mean you have to ditch the themes of redemption and justice you want to explore… it just means you need to study them through the lens of your story’s particular romance. Here, for instance, are a couple sample loglines that tell a similar story… but through a more romantic lens:

• When Mexican-American Carlos is framed for murder in Los Angeles, his only hope of escape is to entrust his life to an impulsive—and gorgeous—female bounty hunter who offers to return him to his Mexican village… as long as he will father her child.

• When Carlos, a petty pick-pocket, decides to hide out in a Mexican village to escape an unjust robbery sentence, he hopes to live under the radar forever… until Penelope, a headstrong political lobbyist, mistakes him for an old ‘60’s activist and convinces him to join her campaign.

I’m not saying either of those is good—or the story you want to tell—I’m just saying they each focus on a romance… you can see where the comedy will come from… and they don’t completely sacrifice the spirit or themes of the original.

(Having said that, maybe your script ISN’T ultimately meant to be a romantic-comedy—it’s just mislabeled—in which case I’d just remove the label.)

HOLE #2: I think the other big missing chunk here is… WE NEED TO MORE INFO ABOUT THE VILLAGE HE’S GOING TO. I know I say this a lot, but all stories—at their core—are about RELATIONSHIPS, RELATIONSHIPS, RELATIONSHIPS… and if American Breakfast isn’t a traditional romantic comedy about a relationship between two people, it’s CERTAINLY about a relationship between your hero and this village.

For me, there are two ways to go with this, and while neither is better or worse, each path makes it a very different story. So is this village… A) your hero’s hometown, or is it B) a totally new place? Here’s the difference…

If the village is your hero’s hometown (like in Beautiful Girls or Ed), he’s returning to a place full of history and “ghosts,” where he already has relationships… and probably damaged relationships he never wanted to return to. American Breakfast then becomes a redemption story about a guy returning home to repair broken pieces of the life he’d left behind.

But if the village is a totally new place (like in Doc Hollywood, Northern Exposure, or Cars), it becomes a world that opens your hero’s eyes to new people, relationships, and opportunities. Only in this new land can he shed his “irresponsible” past and become the man he’s always wanted to be. In this case, American Breakfast becomes a redemption story about an outsider who—thanks to the magic of this special village—washes away the sins of his past to become a whole new person.

Neither of these story-paths is better than the other… but I think choosing one (or another one that I’m not thinking of right now) will help fill out your particular movie and help us understand your main character’s journey. (I’m also guessing you may know—somewhere in your head—exactly which village it is… it’s just not articulated in the logline. But if not… think about it; it’s an important question.)

Anyway, Mary—you’re off to a great start, and I hope this feedback is helpful!

Everyone else—if you have a logline or short synopsis you’d like to submit to the Script Notes Pitch Workshop, feel free to post it in any of the comments sections… or email it to WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com. You can also email me with thoughts, suggestions, or questions about writing, the industry, or anything else!

In the mean time, keep reading… we’ve got some cool stuff coming up: book reviews, movie reviews, reader questions, and more pitch submissions!

PITCH WORKSHOP: Entry #7

Chad — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 08:44:23 GMT

Today's Script Notes Pitch Workshop submission comes from Mary S., who sends in the following logline for her feature project...

"In the feature length romantic comedy, American Breakfast, a bi-cultural young Latino flees an unjust U.S. sentence and clears away the wreckage of his irresponsible past in a quirky coastal Mexican village where he finds love, acceptance and a new life."

So please... post your constructive thoughts! And if you have your own logline or synopsis on which you'd like some feedback, please email me at WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com... or just post it in the comments section below.

In the mean time, thank you so much for submitting, Mary!

PITCH WORKSHOP: Entry #6

Chad — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 23:33:29 GMT

Hey, guys—

Wanted to take some time today to respond to our most recent submission to the Script Notes Pitch Workshop. Thanks to Matt for submitting his work, and thanks also to Janine for her thoughtful online response. Matt, I hope you found Janine’s thoughts helpful, and I just thought I’d add my own two cents.

For those who are new to the discussion, here’s Matt’s synopsis…

Title: Downsize This!
Genre: Romantic Comedy

"Love in the Time of Downsizing"

Steve (40) is a miserable, cantankerous SOB, who finds that his long-laid plans for self-downsizing is finally starting to bear fruit when his Boss presents him with an offer he can't refuse: submit to the company's new Wellness Program, and if in 6 weeks, his disruptive at work attitude can't be adjusted; his self-downsizing wish - and the severance windfall that accompanies it - will be granted.

But when Steve meets and immediately falls in love with Alice (36), the sexy, eccentric, alcoholic Wellness Program Instructor he learns is (unwillingly) destined for downsizing; he presents a very different face at work - one of charisma and cool confidence - that brings a surge of curious new members to Alice's program; securing her immediate future within the company.

It also garners the attention of the Boss' who mistake Steve's charade as proof that he may just be what they've been looking for: someone fresh, re-energized, and confident; a man who can be presented to the Board as appearing to be the company's new face during these tough economic times.

Meanwhile, Steve struggles to woo Alice away from a competing nemesis while juggling his new found celebrity with other female co-workers, as he continues to plot his professional demise within the company in the hopes of receiving his elusive severance prize.

In the end, Steve must decide if what he wants - financial independence - is really worth sacrificing what it is he truly needs - love?

WHAT I LIKE:
I’ll be honest, Matt—I am a total sucker for stories about people trying to get fired. I think there is something absolutely hilarious about people behaving inappropriately in corporate/work environments. A couple years ago, CBS and LMNO Productions did a reality show called Fire Me, Please, where employees had to compete to get fired without their bosses catching on. It was—for all intents and purposes—a miserable failure… but I loved it. So I think “Downsize This!” begins from a strong comedic starting place… the kind of premise that immediately allows you to brainstorm scores of hilarious scenarios.

You’ve also given Steve a strong, relatable want… to get fired and get a severance package, which is something we’ve all dreamed of, especially working at jobs we despise. So right off the bat, you’re in a good place to generate story… you have a fertile premise and a character with a solid objective, both of which put you in a good starting posigion.

WHAT I’D WORK ON:
I agree with Janine’s comments… despite having a strong starting place, I think there are a lot of confusing elements in this synopsis, and they’re muddying both your A-story (Steve trying to get fired) and your B-story (Steve trying to win Alice).

While I obviously haven’t talked to you at all about your story, my sense—simply from readying the synopsis—is that much of the confusion is coming from a flaw in your writing process, and that flaw is this…

I think you’re creating story situations based on things you, the storyteller, WANT to have happen… or things you think SHOULD happen… rather than creating story situations by letting characters and events play out organically.

I know that sounds like a weird note, since we—as storytellers—are obviously in control of our stories and responsible for creative decisions, but being creatively responsible doesn’t necessarily mean we can simply wrench stories and characters in any direction we want; in fact, it often means that while we do indeed CREATE a story, we must also SERVE the story… or, rather, do what is right for the story… make it as relatable, believable, and powerful as possible—even if that means sacrificing things we want to happen.

The reason I say this in regard to “Downsize This” is that while your movie has a wonderful premise, it feels like many of its actions, events, and characters don’t behave in ways that seem honest, familiar, or true to human behavior. And since your premise is so ripe… and Steve’s want is so strong… your audience immediately has visions of how this story “should” play out. Thus, when your characters behave in contradiction to those expectations, it makes it very hard to believe in them or their world. This doesn’t mean your story should be predictable; it just means it needs to operate within the “rules” and expectations of how we believe people would act in the situation you’ve set up.

For instance… Steve is a “miserable, cantankerous SOB” who has been trying to get downsized for a long time. But instead of firing him—even in “tough economic times”—his company puts him into a six-week “Wellness Program” to change his attitude. Well, first of all—I’ve never heard of a company that puts troublemakers through their own “attitude rehab.” Companies may put an employee on probation, but they don’t usually put them through a six-week readjustment program. Why wouldn’t they just fire Steve? He’s a bad worker who doesn’t want to be there… why spend six weeks of valuable time, money, and energy trying to “fix” him?

Then, Steve meets Alice… and he INSTANTANEOUSLY becomes a new person: cool, confident and charismatic. Now, love is a powerful thing… but I’m not sure it can instantly change someone from “miserable” and “cantankerous” to cool, confident and charismatic. This just doesn’t seem like believable behavior… or at least, none I’ve ever seen in the real world. First of all—how does Steve change so dramatically so quickly? Second of all—it’s tough to swallow that such a miserable jerk would so quickly fall in love. And while you say it’s a “façade,” that confuses things even more: does Steve actually like Alice? Because if he DOES, then it’s NOT a façade; it’s a sincere attempt to be a better person and win her heart. And if he doesn’t like her, then why should we care about their relationship? Or, more importantly, why is she even in the story?

I also don’t buy that Steve’s boss—who knew Steve was such an asshole he had him put in a “wellness program”—would be so instantly duped by his transformation that he would suddenly make Steve the “new face of the company.” I mean, the boss knew what Steve was like before… so wouldn’t be super-skeptical of this “new Steve?” Even if he wasn’t skeptical, why would he make this guy—who less than two months earlier was on the verge of getting fired—the “new face” of the company?

Along those same lines, why do all these women who knew the “old Steve” suddenly fall head-over-heels for the “new Steve?” Most men spend a lifetime trying to find that kind of female-attracting behavior, and Steve—a known misanthrope—suddenly fakes (after meeting ONE GIRL) and all the other women fall for it. I don’t buy that Steve—or anyone—could do that… and I don’t buy that all these women are stupid enough to fall for it.

Perhaps most importantly, if Steve’s incredible ability to be a brilliant businessman was nestled just below the surface… why didn’t he ever step up before? I mean, once Steve meets Alice, he becomes a virtual superhero, possessing nearly inhuman business savvy and romantic prowess. So where were these skills before? I suppose you could say he hated his job so he never used them, but I don’t believe that someone in possession of these kinds of skills is an antisocial bum. Why couldn’t he have just gotten another job? Or why wasn’t he using these skills all along to get ahead, pick up chicks, dupe his boss, etc.?

Now, Matt—I know it seems like I’m really ripping apart every beat of your story here, and in a way I am. But here’s why I said earlier I think your process is flawed and you’re trying to twist the story in directions it doesn’t want to go…

I can see how each of these moments would work and be funny… in their own movie. We’ve all seen movies—and will see many more—about losers who acquire business/romantic skills and find themselves catapulted to the top of the social food chain (What Women Want, Love Potion #9). We’ve all seen movies about guys who work to become different people to win a girl (Hitch). We’ve seen movies about people pretending to be someone they’re not to get ahead in the corporate world (The Secret of My Success, Working Girl, Taking Care of Business). We’ve all seen movies that satirize and condemn the corporate world (Office Space).

So each of your story moments could be very effective, Matt… and I understand why you like them all. But that doesn’t mean they all belong in the same movie… and combining them seems to blur the story you really want to tell.

My advice: think about the story you really want to tell, the story scratching and clawing its way out of your imagination. Don’t pick the story you think is the most commercial… or even the most original… or the easiest to shoot on a low-budget… or the easiest to make as a summer tentpole… or the best to get you into film school. Pick the one story that will haunt you and eat at you if you DON’T tell it.

Once you’ve done that, write your logline. This isn’t so you an pitch it easily and quickly; it’s so you have—in short sentence form—the core essence of your screenplay. For sake of this example, let’s say your logline is…

“When Steve, a cantankerous misanthrope, learns his company will be laying off its ten lowest-performing employees and giving them severance packages, he becomes determined to under-perform his co-workers, get fired, and use the money to achieve his dream: starting his own comic book store.”

Print this out and tape it above your desk. As you continue to work, refer back to this logline as often as you need to to make sure your story is laser-focused and not veering off in weird directions.

Next step: brainstorming. I usually like to do this somewhere other than the place where I do most of my writing. I’ll go outside… or to the park… or a café… or the swimming pool. Anywhere where I can feel unconfined and free of the environment where I do most of my other thinking and working. Personally, I think it’s tough to do “new” thinking when you’re surrounded by “old” environments.

Take a pad and brainstorm all the things Steve might do to try and achieve his goal. Don’t censor yourself as you write… simply let as many ideas as possible flow from your brain to your pencil and onto the paper. Never let your pencil stop moving. Even if you’re scribbling lame, ridiculous ideas… let them come. A strong premise—whether comedy or drama—should generate a nearly infinite number of ideas.

Just looking at the above Steve/comic book shop example, I’m gonna do a quick brainstorming session. Here we go, right off the top of my head…

WAYS STEVE MIGHT TRY TO GET FIRED/LAID OFF
• Never turn in any work
• Show up late
• Sleep with the boss’s wife
• Sleep with the boss’s daughter
• Dress like a clown
• Fart wherever he goes
• Eat lunch without a fork or spoon—just put his face right in the plate
• Only communicate by singing
• Hop everywhere he goes
• Call his co-workers names
• Pee himself constantly
• Wear his clothes backwards
• Start selling off the office equipment

Now, I’m not saying any of those or good, funny, or even helpful idea. What I AM saying is this: I typed those in about 30 seconds of spur-of-the-moment thinking. If you were to spend even just an hour doing this, you’d have HUNDREDS of ideas.

Your job is then to pick the best of those (and by “best,” I mean those that are the most true and honest to Steve’s character, his want, and the world of the story—not those that you most want to happen), and begin to think about what would logically happen if they were to happen.

For instance, if Steve started communicating only by singing, he’d probably annoy and anger a lot of people… at first. But then maybe people would grow to like his singing—maybe it’s a cheerful break in an otherwise dreary workplace—and the office would institute musical Fridays, allowing people to play CD’s and listen to radios. So Steve would need to think of a new tactic. Perhaps he tries to sleep with his boss’s wife… only to discover that his boss and his wife have an open marriage, and his boss wants to join them.

Again—I’m not saying ANY of these ideas are right for the story you want to tell. I’m simply trying to concoct examples that are on-point for Steve’s objective and have a cause-effect relationship that seems believable… in both our world and your story-world.

Anyway, Matt—like I said earlier, I think you have a strong comic premise and a character with a great want; my sense is that you simply got sidetracked by subplots and story elements that seemed interesting, but weren’t necessarily integral to your main story. I even think that as you go back and reconstruct your story, focusing on your A-story, you’ll see how the B-story (the Alice love story) can integrate itself more organically without derailing everything else.

I hope this is helpful info… good luck with project, and lemme know how it goes!

For the rest of you, if you have loglines or summaries you’d like to submit to the Script Notes Pitch Workshop, feel free to email me at WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com, or simply post them in a “comments section” here on the blog.

In the mean time, we’ve got some great stuff coming up… more Pitch Workshop submissions, book reviews, some great website recommendations, and more questions from readers!

Have a good Sunday!

PITCH WORKSHOP: ENTRY 5

Chad — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 21:20:30 GMT

Today's submission to the Script Notes Pitch Workshop comes from Matt in Montreal, who is looking for feedback on his synopsis for his feature idea, Downsize This! (although he's not married to the title). He also says:

"I'm aiming for a Jim Carrey inspired, farout main Protagonist, contrasted with an even wilder love interest, populated with supporting characters with their own selfish designs...

I'm happy with what I have here, but if you could offer me any specific guidance with how to improve the above synopsis, I would greatly appreciate it."

So please... take a look and post your constructive criticism in the comments section below! Here's Matt's synopsis... and thanks for submitting, Matt!...

Title: Downsize This!
Genre: Romantic Comedy

"Love in the Time of Downsizing"

Steve (40) is a miserable, cantankerous SOB, who finds that his long-laid plans for self-downsizing is finally starting to bear fruit when his Boss presents him with an offer he can't refuse: submit to the company's new Wellness Program, and if in 6 weeks, his disruptive at work attitude can't be adjusted; his self-downsizing wish - and the severance windfall that accompanies it - will be granted.

But when Steve meets and immediately falls in love with Alice (36), the sexy, eccentric, alcoholic Wellness Program Instructor he learns is (unwillingly) destined for downsizing; he presents a very different face at work - one of charisma and cool confidence - that brings a surge of curious new members to Alice's program; securing her immediate future within the company.

It also garners the attention of the Boss' who mistake Steve's charade as proof that he may just be what they've been looking for: someone fresh, re-energized, and confident; a man who can be presented to the Board as appearing to be the company's new face during these tough economic times.

Meanwhile, Steve struggles to woo Alice away from a competing nemesis while juggling his new found celebrity with other female co-workers, as he continues to plot his professional demise within the company in the hopes of receiving his elusive severance prize.

In the end, Steve must decide if what he wants - financial independence - is really worth sacrificing what it is he truly needs - love?

PITCH WORKSHOP/READER QUESTION: The Importance of Loglines

Chad — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 06:42:17 GMT

Hey, everyone—

Just wanted to give a quick follow-up to Tuesday’s episode of the Script Notes Pitch Workshop… and an answer to a question asked by Scott, the author of Tuesday’s Pitch Workshop entries. Scott writes:

“Wow, thank you so much for all your help. You are completely right, I know what the story is about but I have not explained that. I think i just found it so hard to distill my ideas into one or two sentences that I end up just writing generic lines.

Should I expand them a bit beyond two sentences? Or should I focus more on keeping it short but packing more information in? I could write a paragraph which would be a lot simpler and easier to read, but I dont want to write too much.”

Scott… I’m so glad you asked, because I get this question a lot: some version of “I can’t distill my story idea into just one sentence,” or “My story is too complicated to be condensed into a single line.”

It’s a common challenge… every writer goes through it… but here’s my answer… (and I’m gonna sound like an asshole when I say this, so I’m just gonna say it)…

If you can’t distill your story into a single sentence, you don’t yet know what your story IS.

Now, I know what you’re thinking… “Of course, I know what my story is… it’s my story… how would you know if I know it or not?!” But bare with me…

There’s not a story in the world that can’t be boiled down to one sentence. The Iliad, Citizen Kane, A Rose For Emily, The Office, Freddy Vs. Jason, Dragnet… every tale in the history of the world can be told in a single line. Take a look…

• Kim, a twentysomething recovering drug addict, must confront the ghosts of her family’s past when she returns home from rehab the week of her sister’s wedding. (Rachel Getting Married)

• Liz, a thirtysomething TV writer, attempts to maintain her artistic integrity, vision, and sense of self as she produces a sketch show under the aegis of a massive commercial corporation. (30 Rock)

• When terrorists kidnap the president and take over the White House, Mitch Rapp—a level-headed, tough-as-nails secret agent—must single-handedly do what the ineffectual U.S. government can not: infiltrate the White House, rescue the president, and defeat the terrorists. (Transfer of Power)

Now, these loglines aren’t necessarily perfect, but I do think they sift out each story’s essence: the story’s main character, what that character wants, obstacles in her path, and a sense of how the story works emotionally.

So being able to write a logline isn’t just developing a sales tool, a succinct blip to quickly communicate your story… it’s an exercise to help YOU understand the basic nut of your story, it’s primary narrative and emotional engine.

THIS is the most important purpose of the logline… to laser-focus you on the core of your story. Which is why I say: if you can’t tell your story in a single logline, you don’t yet know what that core is.

Perhaps you’re trying to tell too many stories at once… perhaps you don’t fully understand your main character… but until you can articulate your story in one tight sentence, you still have some developing and pre-writing to do.

Anyway, Scott… I hope this helps (without sound too asshole-y)… and please keep reading and posting! Coming up in the next few days, we have more Pitch Workshop entries, new movie reviews, some great new websites, and more!

Chad

PITCH WORKSHOP: ENTRY 4

Chad — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 15:25:56 GMT

Hey, everyone—

Today’s submission to the Script Notes Pitch Workshop comes from Scott, who submits loglines for two feature ideas. So before we dive in… Scott—thank you so much for sending these! The Pitch Workshop is one of my favorite parts of doing this blog, and I always wish people would use it more. So A) I really appreciate you submitting, and B) I hope this feedback—and the feedback you get from other readers—is helpful as you develop these ideas!

Having said that, let’s get started! Here are Scott’s loglines…

1) THE SPITCHCOCKS, a feature comedy, is about four friends who form a famous rock band who implode in the most spectacular way. Now they must reunite for the biggest gig of their life.

2) THE DEVIL'S MONEY, a feature crime drama, is about corrupt Mexican police forces who battle during the search for a kidnapped teenager.

Now, normally, I like to look at different ideas separately, but today I want to look at these together, because I think they both have very similar strengths and weaknesses.

STRENGTHS:
One of the best things about both ideas is their strong sense of the “kind of movie” they want to be. While each is just a logline with few details, I get a definite feel for each film… it’s like I can see snippets of each movie or their trailers… and I also get the sense that Scott, the writer, see much more of the canvas on which these stories are painted. And that’s a great place for Scott to start from.

WEAKNESSES:
Firstly, Scott-- while both these ideas have great “backdrops,” I’m not sure what the actual STORIES are. Story comes from a main character (or characters) having an incredibly strong WANT that forces him to take ACTION… and that action places him in conflict with OBSTACLES he must conquer or navigate. And unfortunately, neither logline details a main character(s), what he/she wants, specific courses of action, or any tangible obstacles the hero might encounter.

Secondly—or maybe hand in hand—the loglines—while good at conveying a “sense of spirit”—are written in such broad generics (“the most spectacular way,” “the biggest gig of their life”) that while I believe YOU have a strong sense of these worlds, it’s tough for me to share in it. I see MY version of “most spectacular way” and “biggest gig of their life,” but I’m not really sure if my own imagination’s versions are accurate to your vision and story. And your job, as a writer, is to communicate your own specific vision, not necessarily entice me with what MY vision could be.

So...

SUGGESTIONS TO STRENGTHEN THESE:

1) IDENTIFY YOUR MAIN CHARACTERS. Does The Spitchcocks revolve around Larry, the band’s former lead singer, who wants to help his bandmates heal their animosity so they can reunite for one last enormous gig? Is it about the drummer, Razor, who wants the band to play a charity concert to raise money for his baby’s life-saving surgery? Or is it a straight-up ensemble piece… in which you identify the main characters as a unit? For instance, are they now mid-forties, middle class suburban parents who must suddenly juggle day-jobs and parenting as they attempt to get in shape for a new tour? Or are they poor late-twenties singles who broke up after a violent falling out? Are they Midwestern bumpkins who somehow succeeded as a rap band—The Tractor Pulls—in the big city? Or are they former hair metal rockers now out of place in a hip-hop world?

Paint a picture of these guys so we can not only see them visually, but we “see” them emotionally and understand how the world looks to them.

The same goes for The Devil’s Money. Does this story follow one particular cop, like Eric, a righteous cop trying to find a missing child amidst a city run by corruption? Does it follow Charlie, the kidnapped kid’s father, desperately trying to work with corrupt officials to rescue his son? Or is it an ensemble piece about District Battalion 89, the most corrupt police force in Mexico City, that must pull together to save this one particular kid?

Whether the story follows one person or a group, giving them a name and a few words of description will help us connect to them.

2) WHAT DOES THIS MAIN CHARACTER WANT? I hinted at this above—and specifying his want will also help flesh out your main character—but let us know exactly what your protagonist wants… both “tangibly” and “emotionally.” Perhaps Norman, your main character in The Spitchcocks, wants to reunite his band so he can win the heart of his true love… a girl who used to be the world’s biggest Spitchcocks fan. That may not be the story you want to tell, but it DOES give a sense of what Norman wants “tangibly”—A) a girl, and B) to reunite the band—and it lets us know what he wants “emotionally”… true love. We understand how this onjective will drive Norman to action… and, because it has an emotional engine (we all understand the desire for true love), it allows us to invest emotionally in Norman’s quest.

Similarly, in The Devil’s Money, does your main character simply want to find the missing kid? Or is your main character Carlos, a police chief who wants to rid his force of corruption… and their newest case—the missing kid—is the one he’s determined to use to rid his force of evil? Or is your main character Jules, the kid who’s been kidnapped, and he desperately wants to be rescued… but learns the corrupt police force itself is behind his capture?

Whatever you decide for each story, knowing—and articulating—your characters’ wants is the engine that drives the narrative. Put it up front, big and bold, in both your logline and your actual script. Without it, the rest of your script is much less effective; but let your audience understand and relate to your hero’s want, and you’ve already taken a huge step toward constructing a successful story.

3) SPECIFY THE EXACT ACTIONS YOUR MAIN CHARACTER(S) MUST TAKE TO ACCOMPLISH HIS/HER WANT. The Spitchcocks, for instance, is about a band reuniting… so what tangible actions must be taken for this to succeed? Do the band members live in different countries, so Hank, the frontman, but physically travel the globe in order to gather them all? Is the lead singer in jail for pot possession… so your lead character—Toby, the bassist—must break him out and get him to the gig before he’s re-arrested?

In The Devil’s Money, you mention that corrupt cops are searching for a kidnapped kid… and there’s also a war between cops. While I’m not sure which is your “A-story,” I think this will clear up when you pinpoint your main character’s want. If the objective is to find the kid, what actions does this entail? Do they have five internal suspects the main cop, Pepe, must interview, opening a world of corruption and scandal in Pepe’s own department? Or must Pepe and his partner, Ricky, search for the missing child in Mexico’s dangerous and seedy underworld, which is more (or less) corrupt than the police force itself?

4) WHAT IS YOUR HERO’S MAIN OBSTACLE? Like identifying your characters’ wants and actions, we also need to know exactly what is preventing your main character(s) from succeeding. Why can’t The Spitchcocks simply reunite? Even if they now live on different continents, why can’t they just hop on a plane and get back together? What is preventing their actions from accomplishing their goal? Did the Spitchcocks break up over soapy and unresolved sexual/romantic tensions? Do they have different artistic visions that constantly cause them to fight? Does one of them have amnesia that has wiped his memory of all the songs?

Likewise, how does a battle between corrupt cops interfere with them finding a missing kid? Are the cops lazy and refuse to work? Is this the child of an enemy faction’s chief, so the other cops refuse to look for him/her? Do they not want to find this child because he possesses valuable information that could reveal and punish certain corrupt cops?

Whatever you decide, your obstacle needs to be large and dramatic enough that we immediately understand how it will impede our hero’s journey. Like your character’s want, the best obstacles aren’t just “tangible” obstacles, they’re also are also “emotional” obstacles, forcing the character to confront something in his/her relationships with other people.

For example, the reuniting Spitchcocks could be faced with the obstacle that they all live on different continents. This is, obviously, a huge challenge to their reunion. But it’s a STRONGER challenge if they live on those different continents because ten years ago, when they were together as a band, the lead singer, Jorge, married the drummer, Carrie, and had an affair with the bassist, Vince.

Lastly, Scott…

5) AVOID WRITING IN GENERICS LIKE “MOST SPECTACULAR WAY” AND “BIGGEST GIG OF THEIR LIFE.” Although loglines must use words sparingly, they must also be the right words to communicate your story accurately and with detail. “Biggest gig of their life” may mean one thing to one reader… and an entirely different thing to another reader. And what’s most important is that your reader understands what those moments mean to YOU.

Having said that, it doesn’t matter exactly what the Spitchcocks’ “biggest gig” is… or how “spectacularly” the Spitchcocks implode… as long as it’s the biggest “EMOTIONAL” gig of their life and the most “EMOTIONALLY” spectacular implosion they could have.

For example, you could argue that the “biggest gig of their life” is that they’ve been invited to open for U2 for ONE NIGHT ONLY (the normal opener is out sick), and if it goes well, it could re-launch their career. This could obviously be “the biggest gig of their life.”

OR… “the biggest gig of their life” could be this: the lead singer Barry’s daughter is dying, and Barry doesn’t have the money for her surgery… so he reunites the band for a charity concert to raise $500,000 and save his child’s life. This could also be the “biggest gig of his life.” And—frankly—it may even be “bigger,” because the stakes are higher.

OR… perhaps The Spitchcocks is a wonky sci-fi comedy, and the band has been kidnapped by an alien race that tells them: “You have 24 hours to put together a concert of entirely new material… or we’ll destroy the planet Earth.” Silly, I know—but with the right tone it could work… and THAT is certainly the “biggest gig of their life.”

What this basically boils down to, Scott, is your story’s STAKES (what your characters stand to lose if they fail in their quests)… and deciding/understanding what they are. Once you know that, those are the specifics to plug into the vague holes left by “most spectacular way” and “biggest gig of their life.”

Anyway, Scott, I hope this is helpful! Feel free to play, shape, mold, rework, tweak, polish… and resubmit.

In the mean time, if other readers have loglines or summaries for the Script Notes Pitch Workshop, feel free to post them here, or shoot me an email at WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com.

In the mean time, keep reading… we have some great posts coming up. We’ll have more Pitch Workshop submissions… we’ll talk about how to protect your work… we'll help the American Idol writers earn fair pay, residuals, and health benefits… we'll have book reviews… and much, much more!

READER QUESTION: Is the Script Workshop Still Up and Running?

Chad — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 18:18:31 GMT

Hey, folks--

Today's question comes from Scott, a new reader who asks...

"I was wondering if [the Script Notes Pitch Workshop] was still running? I have a couple of loglines that I am working which I would like to get some feedback on, just to see if I am going in the right direction."

Well, Scott-- you've come to the right place. The Script Notes Pitch Workshop is absolutely still up and running. In fact, we switched it from being a "cycled," or timeline-based, workshop to just being an open-ended program. At any time, feel free to post a logline or short synopsis as a comment on one of the posts... or email it to me at WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com... and I'll get it up on the site.

I try to comment myself on most of the loglines/summaries that come in, and I also post them so other readers can give feedback as well.

So feel free to submit away, Scott (you can even put your loglines as a comment to this posting)-- I hope the workshop's helpful and you get some good feedback!

In the mean time, keep reading... we've got some great stuff on deck... a discussion on copyright and script registration, some new book reviews, and a guest perspective on balancing a writing career with single parenthood (don't worry, E. Daniels-- I haven't forgotten you)!

PITCH WORKSHOP: RESURRECTED... AND ENTRY #3

Chad — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 22:52:18 GMT

Hey, everyone—

So, it’s been a while since we’ve visited or talked about the SCRIPT NOTES PITCH WORKSHOP, but I don’t want to let it fall through the cracks. In fact, I’d like to revamp it a bit. Originally, I’d proposed doing it in two or three-week stages: for a certain time period, readers could submit loglines, then we’d do slightly longer summaries, and—finally—a page-long synopsis. The idea was that people could get feedback on their ideas not only from me, but from other readers as well.

But only about four people ever submitted ideas, so I’ve been re-thinking the process a bit, and I’d like to give it another try. Here’s what I’m thinking…

• Let’s do away with the two/three-week phases and, instead, make it an ongoing cycle. Whenever you have an idea… email it to me at WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com, or simply post it as a comment to this post or one of the other workshop submission posts. I’ll then post it as its own blog post so other readers can find it and give you feedback.

• Since we’re not submitting in stages, feel free to submit a logline, paragraph or one-page summary. PLEASE DON’T SUBMIT ANYTHING LONGER THAN ONE DOUBLE-SPACED PAGE! However, submit whatever you think will garner the most helpful feedback.

• Also, I’ve added the Pitch Workshop to the list of CATEGORIES on the left side of the screen so it will always be easy to find. That way, you don’t have to comb through old blog posts to find this post, or other submissions, if you want to submit anything or leave someone feedback. I’ll make sure all submission, past and present, find their way to the Pitch Workshop category.

• All the old etiquette rules still apply… the workshop isn’t here so we can bash each other or our ideas… it’s here so we can all get helpful feedback and constructive criticism on our ideas. So definitely be honest in your feedback, but be polite and respectful!

• Lastly, if you submit an idea, take a moment to give some quick feedback to other readers who have submitted loglines or summaries. You can tell them you love it, or tell them what’s “bumping you” and a quick suggestion to tweak it.

Ultimately, I’d love for the Pitch Workshop to be not only a great forum for swapping ideas and creative suggestions, but a forum for dialogue about story, character, etc. I’ll do my best to respond to as many submissions as possible myself.

So to re-kick start the workshop, I thought I’d take a moment to give some feedback to Tanya, who not only submitted her movie logline last month, she commented on Phillip Sevy and E. Daniel’s submissions as well.

First of all, Tanya—thanks for offering those guys your feedback… I hope they found it helpful! Second of all, sorry it’s taken me a while to get your feedback up here, but—at long last—here you go!...

TANYA’S LOGLINE:

BRB TO THE FUTURE, a feature-length comedy, follows 13-year-old cell phone-obsessed Barbara as she travels 500 years into the future, where chat/text message abbreviations are more than just the latest craze – it’s a spoken language used by every nation in the world.

WHAT I LIKE:
There’s clearly a lot of fun to be had with a futuristic world that has become so technologically dependent that our very language has degenerated into a universal mess of abbreviations. It’s a great way to comment on where we are today and where we’re going. Having said that…

WHAT I THINK NEEDS WORK:
You’ve given us a fantastic detail about the future world, but I’m not sure of two important things…

A) What does the rest of the world looks like, and how is it a reflection of our world today? Your future’s language has clearly changed, in a wonderfully dark and comedic way, but what else has changed in this cautionary tale? Are people so techno-dependent that they have chips embedded in their heads, allowing them to download movies or talk to friends without the aid of computers/telephones? Is everyone a cyborg? Is the planet simply one big sprawling city? The idea that cell phones and texts have eroded our language skills is great… but how else do you envision computers and technology changing humanity—for better or worse? This will be the key to selling (both creatively and commercially) your story: creating a world that articulates where you see us headed… and how it’s a comment on today’s society. (Think about The Matrix, Idiocracy, Clockwork Orange, 1984, etc. These stories are all set in the future—and in some cases, even play with language in similar ways to your BRB TO THE FUTURE, but they concoct a full-bodied world that holds a mirror up to our own.)

B) What’s the actual STORY in BRB TO THE FUTURE? What does Barbara want? I presume she’s trying to get back to her own time…? But in that case, how did she get to the future, and—however she traveled—why can’t she just hop back? (In Back to the Future remember, Marty traveled back in a time traveling car, but the car broke… so he had to fix it before he could return.) And WHY does Barbara want to return to the past? From your initial set-up, it seems she has traveled to a future tailor-made for her… so I’m guessing/assuming she begins to learn the downsides of this blind dependence on cell phones/technology. Perhaps she discovers no one in your techno-dependent future is capable of human connection; babies are made in labs, people live alone in pods, heartfelt discussions are a thing of the past, etc. But as she learns this, does she use her “stronger” interpersonal skills to try and rule this devolved future? Does she despise it and try to leave?

To be fair, I think you probably know the answers to many of these questions and see much more of the movie in your head than has been articulated in your logline. But I would adjust the logline to accommodate more of that vision, rather than just focusing on the one detail of the world’s ravaged language. For instance, while I don’t want to rewrite your logline for you or push you down a story path you don’t like, notice how these revamped loglines give more of a sense of story… without sacrificing the spirit of the world you’ve created…

BRB TO THE FUTURE, a feature-length comedy, follows Barbara, a computer-obsessed 13-year-old, who falls through her science teacher’s time warp and finds herself stranded 500 years in the future, where technology-dependent humans have lost the ability to relate to—or help each other—in any way.

OR…

BRB TO THE FUTURE, a feature-length comedy, follows Barbara, a computer-obsessed teenager, who invents a time machine that takes her to the future, where people are so dependent on machines they’ve lost the ability to communicate… allowing Barbara to take over the world and become an interplanetary dictator.

Again, I’m not saying either of these ideas is good… or right… or the story you want to tell… but they at least give Barbara an engine and arc to carry her through the incredible world you’ve created.

Anyway, Tanya, I hope this helps. Thanks so much—for both submitting your own idea and commenting on the others… and keep reading!

As for the rest of you… let the pitch submissions begin! Just put them in the comments section of this post... or email them to WDScriptNotes@FWPubs.com. I hope to hear from you soon!

Have a good weekend…

Chad

PITCH WORKSHOP: Entry #2

Chad — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:58:49 GMT

Hey, screenwriters—

Thought we’d take another look at one of the entries in the SCRIPT NOTES ONLINE PITCH WORKSHOP. Thanks to all of you who have submitted… and please—keep ‘em coming. I’m happy to hold off on moving to Phase 2 (paragraph descriptions) if more people want to post stuff.

Also, do me a favor—part of the workshop being a success is gaining feedback from readers. So please… check out the four loglines that have been posted, and give some feedback. Especially if you’ve posted an idea—take a few moments and help out your fellow writers!

In the mean time, here’s a quick look at Phillip Sevy’s movie pitch…

“A God-Fearing Man, a feature-length drama, follows Elijah and Karen, a middle-aged married couple, as they struggle to find meaning in their lives after a tragic small-town shooting forces them to question everything they know.”

WHAT I LIKE:
• It reads smoothly… we immediately know what it is (a movie), the title, and the names of the main characters… giving us simple, accessible touchstones to wrap our heads around.

• It’s rooted in a hugely relate-able (and timely) event… a shooting, death, personal loss. In other words, it’s ripe with pathos and humanity.

WHAT I’D WORK ON A BIT:
• Quite simply, I’m not sure what the story is. Elijah and Karen are clearly in a highly-charged emotional situation, but a story isn’t merely people emoting, it’s people wanting something tangible and taking solid actions to achieve it. And with Karen and Elijah, I’m not sure of either of those things. Here’s what I think it needs, Phillip…

A) I think we need to know a bit more about the shooting and how it affects Elijah and Karen personally and directly. Was their daughter killed in the shooting? Was their son the gunman? Did it happen at Karen’s office? Were they witnesses? A small-town shooting affects everyone, sure, but the more direct you can make this event to your main characters’ lives, the better. I won’t care as much about random citizens who live in the town as I will about the family or friends of those directly involved.

B) What do Elijah and Karen want? I know they want to “find meaning,” but this is pretty nebulous and intangible. Truthfully, everyone wants to find meaning in their lives; in a way, that’s what every story is about. As I talked about with E. Daniels’ pitch, these characters need "tangible wants"… specific, tangible things they’re working toward… that also reflect the emotional journey this tragedy has sent them on. Perhaps one of their children was killed in the shooting, so they set out on a road trip to reconnect with their other child. Perhaps their son has been wrongly accused of the shooting… and they want to prove his innocence. Maybe they somehow feel responsible for the shooting (perhaps they run a store that sold the murderer his weapon), so they want to make reparations to the families of everyone killed.

I usually think that every character has two simultaneous, compatible wants—the “tangible want,” or the physical thing they’re striving for, and the “emotional want,” which lies beneath and fuels the tangible want. For instance, in Almost Famous, young Will wants only one thing… TO PUBLISH AN ARTICLE IN ROLLING STONE. This is his tangible want; it’s physical, solid, attainable… he (and the audience) will know precisely when he accomplishes it. And it fuels everything he does. Every action Will takes is a step toward getting his article in Rolling Stone. BUT…

Beneath that want is his “emotional want,” which explains the tangible want. Emotional wants can be up for interpretation, but—in Almost Famous—I think Will wants to be taken seriously as a writer and an adult. And he believes that publishing a story in Rolling Stone will validate him as a grown-up. Of course, his journey teaches him that there’s more to being an adult than simply publishing magazine articles, but it’s these two hand-in-hand desires that drive the story.

You’ve given Elijah and Karen their emotional wants (although I think you can define them a bit more than just “finding meaning”… and this will come as you figure out who they were connected to the shooting), but giving them tangible wants will be a huge help.

C) Let us know what obstacles stand in the path of Elijah and Karen’s tangible wants… and what actions they must take to surmount them. For instance, maybe—like I suggested above—their son was killed in the shooting, so they now want to reconnect with their other child… but she’s been estranged for ten years… and lives across the country. So to reconnect with her, Karen and Elijah must road-trip from California to Florida to find their daughter and mend the relationship. Or maybe Karen and Elijah feel responsible for the shooting because they sold the gunman his rifle… so they want to throw a fundraiser for families of the victims. But Karen and Elijah have been the town misanthropes for years; no on likes them and no one wants their fundraiser, so Elijah and Karen must learn to become social, compassionate people… and go person-by-person, making amends to all the people they’ve hurt over the years.

So putting all this together—and this is not me rewriting your pitch, just creating examples—I’d love to see your logline look something like this…

“A God-Fearing Man, a feature-length drama, follows Elijah and Karen, a middle-aged married couple who has just lost their son in a shooting, as they journey cross-country to surprise their daughter… who’s been estranged for the last ten years.”

OR…

“A God-Fearing Man, a feature-length drama, follows a middle-aged married couple, Elijah and Karen, as they struggle to clear their son of shooting charges… and find he’s not the man they believed he was.”

Anyway, I hope that helps, Phillip. Thanks for posting… and please—everyone!—post some thoughts and comments to all the people who have been putting their ideas out there!

Chad

PITCH WORKSHOP: The First Entry!

Chad — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 02:32:26 GMT

I am pleased to announce that we have our first entry in the Script Notes Pitch Festival! A big round of applause—and a thank you—for going first goes to E. Daniels, who posted the first one-sentence pitch Thursday evening.

Just as a quick refresher… we’re in Phase One of our Script Notes Pitch Fest, where you all are invited to post one-sentence (“logline”) pitches of your movies or TV shows here on the blog, then readers and myself will give feedback. The idea is NOT to be judgemental, but to help one another whip our pitches into shape and make them as strong (and sellable) as possible.

So without further adieu, let’s take a look at E. Daniels’ one-sentence pitch. E. Daniels writes…

“Each episode finds our twenty-something heroine vowing that today, unlike all the other days, she will quit her job!!! ...just as soon as they validate her parking.”

This is a great TV series pitch with which to begin our festival, because it’s got some strong things going on, and some things that can use improvement. First, the good things…

WHAT I LIKE A LOT:

• E. Daniels’ pitch taps into a personal, emotional dilemma that millions of people experience every day… the desire to quit a frustrating, unfulfilling a job, but the inability to do so because you’re totally dependent on it. Everyone on the planet has gone through this… the feeling of being trapped in a job or relationship but not being able to quit. This gives E. Daniels’ pitch an important element necessary to virtually any pitch – relatability, or the ability to let audiences relate to the story and character, to see reflections of their own lives.

• E. Daniels has also given the pitch’s main character a “want,” an objective, which is the first step in kicking off any story. Characters with strong wants and objectives are forced to act in order to accomplish those wants, and its that action that creates story. So whether you’re pitching a TV series, a movie, or a novel, it’s imperative to know what your main characters want; only by understanding this will we understand your story’s narrative engine. (Having said this, I have some thoughts on this particular want, which we’ll discuss in a moment.)

SOME THINGS I'D IMPROVE A BIT:

While the pitch definitely has strong relatability, it also lacks the specificity it needs to really bring it to life, to allow us to see the character and her world in our heads. In other words, IT’S TOO VAGUE. Here's what I'd work on...

• Give us some more info about our “twenty-something heroine.” While this is only a one-sentence pitch, it’s still important to bring your character to life as much as possible… in as few words as possible. Give her a name and a few choice adjectives. For instance, rather than “twenty-something heroine,” which is fairly nondescript, say “Tara Stone, an impetuous 26-year-old clothing designer…” or “Free-wheeling 25-year-old Rita Webster, who dreams of being a decorated Air Force pilot…” or whatever info you need to give us. Whoever she is… BRING HER TO LIFE FOR US.

• While I applaud the fact that you gave your heroine (who, for the sake of discussion, I’m going to call “Tara”) a want, I’m not sure you’ve given her the kind of want that can propel a television series. While all stories are driven by a character with a strong want, it’s usually tough to sustain a series when your main character wants only one tangible thing… like Tara’s desire to quit her job.

This kind of singular objective is great for propelling one episode, or a movie, or a novel… but it’s tough to sustain a serialized story—like a TV show—with this. A) It means your main character is driven by the same objective week after week, and it’s tough to keep audiences interested in what is—essentially—the same story (or same story engine) week after week. B) In the world of television, these singular wants feel false and “cheat-y.” After all, if we’re following a woman trying to quit her job week after week, we know she can never ACTUALLY quit her job… because it ends the story. So we’re aware from the beginning that we’re watching something very finite, or we’re going to be strung along on the same repetitious journey for weeks on end.

(A handful of TV shows DO work by giving characters singular, tangible goals. Each episode of 24, for instance, finds Jack racing to stop a calamity and stop a very specific villain. But not only are these shows few and far between, they’re rarely successful. 24 is an anomaly, and most of its copycats have failed miserably. Remember THE KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY, about a gang of misfit thieves planning to burgle Mick Jagger? How about THIEF? Or HEIST? The robbery theme aside, these shows all centered on characters working towards a single event—which is why they’re often called “event dramas”—and most are miserable failures.)

I’d give Tara some larger “life goals” that can not only drive her through the series as a whole, but generate episodic stories as well. On FRIENDS, Joey wanted to be an actor and Monica wanted to be a chef… both goals that would take years of trying, fighting, and figuring things out. More importantly, the characters on FRIENDS had enormous emotional goals… falling in love, figuring out their places in the world, etc. These emotional goals helped spawn smaller, weekly storylines like going on dates, trying a new job, moving to a new apartment, etc.

I’ll give you some examples that will—hopefully—apply to this particular pitch in a moment, but first, I want to tie this into my next note…

• Give Tara some relationships. (I know I pound this notion a lot, but I stand by it. There’s nary a story on this planet that’s not about one thing: RELATIONSHIPS. RELATIONSHIPS RELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIPS. Giving your main character relationships is important for many reasons…

A) Characters don’t exist in a void, so we only ever truly get to know them by seeing them interact with other characters. Tara—no matter how compelling you make her—will never be interesting on her own… she will only be interesting in the context of other people.

B) Relationships bring the world to life. We all have different kinds of relationships depending on where we are… are work relationships are different from our family relationships, which are different from our romantic relationships, which are different from our friendships. So when your series is set in a specific world—and yours seems to be set in the world of Tara’s work—you should populate it with those appropriate relationships.

C) All good stories (or for that matter, pieces of art in ANY medium) work because they reflect the lives and experiences of their audiences. So by giving Tara relationships that reflect the real world, we—your audience—are able to see reflections of our own lives in Tara and her life. If she has a tumultuous relationship with her mother, we see aspects of our own relationship with our mom in that… if she has a loving, supportive boyfriend, we see our own romances… if she competes with her brother, we recognize our own sibling rivalries.

D) Lastly, TV shows, especially, are deeply grounded in their relationships. A movie, for instance, can often succeed with weak characters and relationships but a very strong plot. Not so with a television show, which needs to bring audiences back week after week. And while viewers obviously want strong stories, what really attracts them is relationships… returning each week to a world whose characters’ lives reflect their own. When you think of WILL & GRACE, for example, you may remember a few favorite episodes, but what you really home in on is the indissoluble bond between Will and Grace… their love for each other, their disagreements, their support, etc…. and the antics of their friends, Jack and Karen.

This is why the “wants” of most TV characters are concerned not with singular tangible wants, but with their relationships with other people. For example, while Charlie and Alan on TWO AND A HALF MEN want tangible things in each episode—to score with a particular girl, succeed at work, etc.—their overall wants, the wants that propel them through the series, have more to do with being good fathers to Jake, finding female life partners, etc.

Anyway, all of this to say… I’d swap out Tara’s want of quitting her job for something more relationship-based. Maybe something like…

“26-year-old Tara, an impetuous assistant at Moshman Designs, attempts to navigate corporate politics, sniping co-workers, and a micro-managing boss as she struggles to succeed in the cut-throat world of graphic design.”

Or…

“As 24-year-old Tara knows, it’s not easy being the world’s greatest undiscovered opera singer… especially when your boss thinks you’re his girlfriend, your co-workers don’t trust you, and your only friend is the 15-year-old copy boy.”

Or…

“Incorrigible Tara longs to quit her job and start her own dance studio… but quitting your job is never easy, especially when you’re boss is your father.”

(I’m not saying any of those are brilliant, or the story you want to tell, I’m just saying they tap into a bit of the same want and conflict, but they also flesh out the world and give a sense of Tara and her relationships.)

• If possible, give us as much info as you can about what kind of series you’re pitching. Is it a one-hour drama like DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES? A single-camera comedy like EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS? A half-hour multi-cam like RULES OF ENGAGEMENT?

And, if you can, give us a title! You may change it later, but a title helps establish the tone and gives us a bit of a visual image to wrap our heads around.

For example…

“EXPOSED BRIEFS is a single-camera comedy that follows the misadventures of Tara, a young paralegal who dreams of becoming a big-shot lawyer… if she can just convince the alpha-males at her father’s law firm to give her a shot.”

Or…

“INSEAMS, a one-hour dramedy, chronicles Tara, a seamstress in a floundering dress shop, as she juggles a domineering boss, back-biting co-workers, and a freeloading boyfriend as she struggles to quit her job and make it as Chicago’s hottest new clothing designer.”

Anyway, E. Daniels—I hope this is helpful! Again—thanks so much for posting… and for the rest of you, keep the loglines coming. You can post in the comments section below this post, or back in the original entry. And feel free to post your thought on E. Daniels’ pitch as well!

THE SCRIPT NOTES ONLINE PITCH WORKSHOP!

Chad — Sat, 31 May 2008 22:47:26 GMT

Hey, film and TV writers—

I’ve gotten several emails and questions from readers with specific questions about pitching projects they’re working on, asking if there’s some way to use Script Notes to really get down-and-dirty, hands-on advice about shaping their TV and film projects. After all, whether you’re a newbie just penning your first script or a highly paid veteran working on your next Oscar winner, writing for film and TV (especially TV) is a highly collaborative process, and it often helps to talk about or bounce ideas off test audiences.

So I am pleased to announce the kick-off of…

THE 2008 SCRIPT NOTES ONLINE PITCH WORKSHOP…

The online forum where you can test your TV and film pitches and get honest feedback from both myself… and your fellow Script Notes readers.

(And by the way, I can’t take credit for this idea myself. A huge note of thanks to and Madeline SmootBuried in the Slushpile, one of the best writers’ sites out there, for giving me the idea… but more on Madeline in a moment…)

Here’s how the workshop works…

You guys, our Script Notes readers, can post your film and TV pitches in the comments section of this blog. Other readers and I will then comment on and critique them in the comments that follow. I’ll do my best to get to as many of your pitches as possible, giving some feedback on each one, and hopefully you’ll get feedback from other readers as well.

(If you have specific questions to which you need answers (such as, “Are the stakes high enough for my main character?” or “Is my main character’s objective compelling enough?” feel free to post those as well.)

Periodically, I’ll then select some of the pitches to discuss in a more specific way in larger posts—what seems to work, what doesn’t work, etc. As we go, I'll also post some tips or bits of advice on each phase.

We’ll do the workshop in three phases, with each phase lasting about two weeks (depending on how many people post): LOGLINES, SYNOPSIS/ELEVATOR PITCHES, and SUMMARY. Here’s how each phase works…

• A LOGLINE is a one-sentence description of your idea – each of these pitches must be one-sentence long (here's a great discussion of one-sentence pitches on Madeline Smoot's Buried in the Slushpile)

• A SYNOPSIS, or what Madeline calls an “elevator pitch,” is a one-paragraph description of your idea (here are two great entries from Madeline about "elevator pitching": "Fourth Floor Kitchenware, Loungeware, and Perfect Pitches. Going Up." And "Elevator Pitches Cont.")

• A SUMMARY, or slightly longer description, is usually about 3 paragraphs to a page (for this, we'll say 250-400 words)

Every two weeks or so, I’ll open the workshop to the next phase of pitches and ideas. Then, in a few weeks or months, we can start all over again.

Now—before we begin—three important rules…

RULE #1: WHAT KIND OF IDEA ARE YOU PITCHING? Aside from your actual pitch—whether a logline, synopsis, or summary—please be sure to indicate what kind of project you’re pitching: a movie, TV show, etc. The more specific you can be, the better: a feature-length romantic comedy (like 27 Dresses, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, etc), a TV sitcom (like Two and a Half Men, Friends, etc.), a one-hour sci-fi series (Battlestar Galactica, Lost, etc.), a half-hour single-camera workplace comedy (The Office, 30 Rock), etc. The more specific you can be, the better! And if you’re not sure, that’s okay, too!

RULE #2: OFFER FEEDBACK, BUT BE NICE. Obviously, we all want and need critical feedback on our ideas. However, please be friendly and helpful in your criticism; this isn’t a forum to get mean or disrespectful of people’s ideas. It’s fine to dislike someone’s idea or their presentation, but tell them that in a way that’s constructive and helpful rather than snarky or destructive.

RULE #3: IF YOU HAVE CRITICISM, TRY ALSO OFFERING SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENTS. This doesn’t just go for the Script Notes workshop, it goes for just about every meeting, pitch, or writers room you’ll ever find yourself in. And trust me—I’ve learned this (and watched other people learn this) the hard way. If you’re going to knock or shoot down someone’s idea, don’t just criticize it… suggest a “fix,” or a way to do it better. This isn’t just being polite, it’s because illustrating another way to do something often helps people realize the idea’s original problem. If you don’t have the perfect fix, offer a “house number,” or bad version of how to improve it. (I’ll often say to fellow writers something like, “It feels like the stakes could be higher. I’m not sure what the exact fix is, but maybe if—and this is NOT the right idea, but just as an example—if there was a ticking clock, like a bomb or a deadline they had to meet, it might heighten the tension and raise the stakes.”)

If you have other questions or thoughts, please feel free to post them below or email me at WDScriptNotes@fwpubs.com.

Otherwise…

LET THE WORKSHOP BEGIN! Feel free to begin posting your logline (one-sentence) ideas!

(And again… a huge special thanks to Madeline Smoot and Buried in the Slushpile. I met Madeline Thursday night when I had dinner with Brian Klems and Chuck Sambuchino from Writers Digest. The annual Book Expo America was here in L.A. last week, and Brian and Chuck hosted Writers Digest’s Books Writers Conference. I hooked up with them for dinner Thursday night and they brought their friends Miriam Hees, who runs Blooming Tree, a small publishing house in Austin, Texas, and Madeline Smoot, an editor at Blooming Tree who writes Buried in the Slushpile, a terrific blog for book-writers. (Writers Digest named it one of this year’s 101 Best Sites for Writers.) I highly recommend checking it out… it’s not geared toward screenwriters, but Madeline gives some terrific advice for all writers in general, and even her book-specific advise applies in many ways to TV and film. She runs a pitch workshop like this at Buried, and it was such a good idea I decided to borrow it.)