Hey, folks—

I just realized I never responded to Preston’s Pitch Workshop Submission a few weeks ago, and while this critique is embarrassingly late, I wanted to respond to Preston before posting the next one.  (And sorry this is so late, Preston!)

For those of you who don’t remember Preston’s synopsis, here’s what he writes…

Title: Thy Brother's Keeper

Genre: Psychological Action Thriller

Log-line:  Ronald Davis’s jealousy and envy causes him to sabotage his twin brother Rashawn’s college basketball scholarship chances by planting steroids in his locker. This ends up sending Rashawn to prison, while Ronald goes on to lead a successful corporate career. Upon Rashawn’s return to the world as a criminal minded thug, he finds Ronald was the cause of his demise. He then sets out to destroy his twin brother’s life by assuming his identity and going on a murderous crime spree. Ronald  has to leave his corporate life and turn to the streets to stop his twin brother. After chasing Ronald threw the streets of Los Angeles, it will take detectives Garrison and Rodriguez to find out that Rashawn died at birth, but yet lives in the schizophrenic mind of the surviving twin Ronald.

MY RESPONSE:

First of all, I’m always a big fan of cool, twisty endings like this, which feels very “Fight Club.”  And this is set in an interesting world that we don’t often see with this kind of story.  Both those elements give this idea an edge and attitude that I appreciate.

Having said that—I think the key to making stories like this work, stories with a massive twist at the end, a twist revealing that the world is not all we thought it was—is that everything in the story leading up to that moment most work TOTALLY LOGICALLY in support of it.

In other words, when we suddenly learn that Rashawn and Ronald are essentially the same person, we have to instantly understand how—knowing they’re the same person—every beat of the movie was entirely possible. 

The end of “The Usual Suspects” kind of spoon-fed this to us… showing us in quick flashbacks how we only saw part of the truth, but there was a “truer truth” behind it all—and it all made perfect logical sense.  We never ask, “Well, wait—if Verbal Kint was Kaiser Soze, how did THIS MOMENT happen?”  The movie tells us EXACTLY how it happened… and all the moments hold together logically.

To be honest, I don’t remember how “Fight Club” handled this, but I don’t remember asking questions or suddenly realizing that the movie had huge logic holes.

But in “Thy Brother’s Keeper,” I’m left asking HUGE questions after only a synopsis!  If Ronald and Rashawn are the same guy, how did Rashawn get sent to prison?  Surely people there saw somebody—but who was it?  And if it was Ronald, just calling himself Rashawn, who was living Ronald’s life in his corporate career? 

I worry you’ve set up a situation that makes it logically impossible for Ronald/Rashawn to be the same person… you’ve given them separate lives, requiring them to be in separate places, where they’d each affect the world in unique ways (interacting with people, being seen, leaving evidence of themselves, etc.).  But doing this makes it virtually impossible for them to be the same person, in the same body!  How can Ronald be in prison, living as “Rashawn,” if he’s also out living a corporate life?

I think that question needs to be answered… before you can figure out how the rest of the story works, because it’s ripple effects will touch everything else in the script.

Anyway, I hope that helps, Preston—I definitely think you’re playing in fun, mysterious territory… mixed with a colorful, exciting world… and I can’t wait to see it on the big screen!

Chad

Monday, August 31, 2009 9:01:33 PM (GMT Daylight Time, UTC+01:00)    Comments [0]