WD Superlatives: Best Quote Overheard during the Pitch Slam: "I'm going to make you a filthy, filthy rich man, sir." --to Agent Peter Miller, by a 17 year old boy carrying a briefcase.

Day 1: In the history of time, things haven't always gone well. Wars, plagues, telethons, etc, don't always work out as one might imagine they would when they began. But the Writer's Digest conference was no such occassion. Everything, friends, and I mean everything, went smoothly.

Allow me to specify: The keynote speaker was none other than my fellow This Writer's Life soul mate columnist Jodi Picoult. I'm sure they were heavily debating which one of us should give the keynote since we're both so ridiculously successful, and probably flipped a coin or something bc they couldn't decide, and I was probably heads, and it came up tails and they probably debated just giving it to me anyway, but eventually decided to be fair. Her talk, which was on all of the research she does for her novels, was great, and her personality is very dynamic for a writer. Also, she asked the question, "are you sure there isn't a little bit of incest?" to her mother, in college, while searching for something to have angst about. That, friends, is humor.

The next part of the day involved deciding which session you would attend. I was torn between attending Maria's session to provide moral support and attending my friend John Warner's (author of Fondling Your Muse) session titled "How to Make Humor Your Bitch". Notice how I said my friend before i mentioned his session? That was to subtly inform you that i have writer friends. Anyway, I went to Maria's because she was reading my Life Changingly Awesome Query Letter to Outside Magazine as an example of how not to query an editor and I wanted to make sure she was annunciating. And, again, as things went all day, her talk went well and my query letter even got some laughs, especially when Maria said "drop on your ass".

There was another session, but I spent that one wandering around, taking the "freebies" that they handed out, and pretending to be on my cell phone involved in an important debate with my agent about money. "Well, you can tell Random House that that baby ain't going nowhere unless I see six figures," I'd say very loudly whenever anyone got in earshot. I lost my street cred when my phone actually rang while I was pulling the stunt, so I gracefully retired to the restroom for the rest of the session to sit down in the stall with my penknife and scratch KA + Jodi 4 Eva into the wall.

Lunch came next. Editorial Point Re: Lunch: Lunches at convention centers freak me out, mostly because I watched the scene in the movie Fight Club where they do terrible things to the food, and I can never not think about that when they are serving 500 plates of chicken in a white sauce. My only defense is to be really friendly to the staff and hope that they make those types of decisions about who to give toxic plates to post-salad, targeting the rude people. Yes, I know that makes no sense, but I need to be able to rationalize why I still cleaned my plate and ate some stuff off of John Warner's as well. Actually this is probably a conversation better suited for my therapist. Moving on...

The book signing. Jodi's line wrapped around the conference room and out of New York into New Jersey, so I didnt' get a chance to say hello and do our super secret This Writer's Life handshake, which I'm sure devastated her. The highlight of the book signing for me was getting a free pink t-shirt with the logo "Redneck Debutantes" from a woman who told me her book (not yet completed) was basically "Steel Magnolias meets Sex and the City with casting by Chevy Chase". I don't really understand what that means, but, as I type this, I'm wearing the shirt.

There was another session, but i didn't go to that, as I spent most of the time in the "Green Room" backstage watching as the agents straggled in for the Pitch Slam, helping direct them to their right rooms and drinking the complimentary waters. Most of the agents are older and have that congenial librarian look, and everyone seemed to know everyone else, and, as they sat drinking sweetened iced teas and eating cookies they talked in a language I couldn't really understand, always about "pubs" and "auctions" and "markets" and whatnot. I saw a few younger agents wearing hip clothing and tried to make eye contact with them and initiate convo's about cool new Indie bands, Emoticons, and YouTube, but it was all for naught, as I had drunk too much water, and had to retire to the bathroom before the Pitch Slam began, sans penknife.

The Slam: Maria and I were given the job to watch over one of the rooms during the Slam. This is how it works: for two hours, writers have three minutes to convince an agent that they should look at their book. You try and see as many agents as possible, and you try and seem like you know what in the hell your book is about, where you see it being placed, why you're the person they want, what part Ashton Kutcher will play in your movie etc, etc, etc. Our room was mostly non-fiction, and that, coupled with the fact that most of the attendees are novelists and this year we had 50% more agents than last year, meant that none of the lines in our room were very long and you could probably pitch all the agents there in 55 minutes. This was a good thing and it kept the unwashed masses happy. I had the pleasure of keeping time and yelling out "Ooonnneeee Minute!" when there was one minute left, and then ringing the bell and saying "Next!!" when they were done. I tried various voices during the "One minute" yell and think the auctioneer meets Kentucky Derby announcer at a loud Applebees bar was the best variation. Some people inevitably try tricks, like having the art for their book already picked out and put on a card, or self publishing demo copies of the book, or getting up on their chair and singing (seriously) but the people that had the most success were always the self-assured people who were confident they'd written a good book, had done their homework about which agents at the Slam worked with books similar to theirs, and kept it simple and fresh and clean. Amazing how that works out...

Anyway, that's pretty much it from the conference. There was a dinner that night for the speakers, agents and WD staff, but we aren't going to talk about that, other than to say that the bartender was pouring heavy and I may or may not have spent 20 minutes talking to Agent Stephanie Evans in a faux German accent. I took Thursday off from the BEA to recover and garner strength for today, when things really start to jump off. I'll keep you in the know.

Question to Ponder: If you're the "celebrity chef" for Applebees does it really mean you're a celebrity chef?

Drop It Like It's Hot,

Lil,
Wayne

Ps- Pictured Below: The lovely ladies of Steel Magnolia's competing for Best Big Hair and a bonus movie pic from Fried Green Tomatoes, which I originally thought was the same film. Now all I need is a picture from Beaches, and I'll have listed every DVD my mother owns....

Least Obvious Internet Search of the Day That Turns Up My Blog: "Christian Magazine Opinions on Anna Nalick"

Worst Clif Bar Flavor of All Time: Apricot

Unrequested Anecdote from my Family Life: I've just spent Memorial Day weekend on a family vacation in Bermuda, which is probably the most beautiful, friendly and exotic place that you can get to from Boston in less than two hours, outside of the Wrentham Village Premium Outlets. My mother and sister and I went on the trip with our dearest family friends, and, because I lack the financial wherewithal and dental insurance to provide for myself, I was forced against my will gleefully shared a room with my mother. Most of the stories from my trip are boring (example: I ate and enjoyed an egg white omelet, and normally I don't even like omelets!!!!) or embarrassing (I spent much of the first day in the Bermuda Hospital emergency room, where a nurse was forced, against her will, to examine, touch then bandage my left foot, as I'd ripped the nails off of during a clumsy intoxicated fall), but there was one event that my mother will never forgive me for worth sharing with the general public:

1. My mother--who usually never drinks anything that isn't Newman's Own Virgin Lemon-Aided Iced Tea-- did the first alchoholic "shot" of her known life, a "lemon drop". The effects of the jolt of alcohol were palpable, especially when she confided to me that she "felt goofy" and then started telling mortifyingly personal anecdotes from her college experience in the 70s. Lesson: Unless your mom is Dorothy Parker, encouraging her to do shots will always end poorly.

Moving on...

This is a big week, friends, and not just because it's short. As you may have noticed from the advertisement above my blog, the Writer's Digest/ BEA Writing Conference is on Wednesday, followed by the Book Expo of America, the Book Industry's answer to Nickelodeon's Kid's Choice Awards. It's a time when the publishing houses pull out all the stops, revealing their big guns, newly annointed stars and catering services (sometimes with open bar!) in an effort to woo booksellers, librarians and Writer's Digest Contributing Editors. And I will be there in NYC all week, first wandering aimlessly around the Writer's Digest Conference, then aimlessly wandering around the BEA, while my editor Maria openly questions why she lets me come to these things each year.

But--in an effort to make myself seem valuable, or better, invaluable-- I'm going to keep a daily embedded journal of the Conference and Book Expo for those of you who want to know what happens when book industry people stop being polite, and start being real. It'll be just like that episode of the Real World: Hawaii when Teck and the drunk chick went skinny dipping, and everyone else felt uncomfortable...but with, like, agents and stuff.

So join me all this week, as I'll be dropping the most insightful, concise and unavoidably irrelevant points of interest from the book industry's biggest week, all while trying to figure out where in God's name the good people at the Jacobs Javits Convention Center keep their bathrooms. And if you happen to be attending either the Conference or the Expo and you see a striking, partially well groomed man with a shaved head and pre-distressed jeans pretending to scribble feverishly in a notebook, feel free to interrupt and say hello. I won't actually be doing anything, anyway.

Questions to Ponder: Will Rosie O'Donnell definitely accept Lizzie Hasselbeck's inevitable request to be Godmother to her next child? And--assuming they knew how to save a life--do you really think the Fray would stay up with you all night?

Guilty Feet Have Got No Rhythm,

Wham

Ps- pictured below: The second sweetest place to go during a Memorial Day weekend and me and a bunch of my golf buddies living la vida loca in 'Muda Shorts after six or seven Lemon Drops.

Brief Pop Culture Sidenote re: Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman: See? It was Tessa!!! When has the NY Post ever been wrong about anything? According to the results from the Bachelor, never. Lesson: Never trust women named Bevin. Always trust the tabloids. Always.

Moving on...Were you worried, friends? Did you think I had gone underground? Or quit to pursue a career in urban dance? Or just become lazy and depressed, like AJ on the Soprano's? No. Unlike the NY Post, you got none of that right. The real reason I've been on radio silent was because I had to write and turn in in my actual magazine column, which kept me from blogging. And exercising. But now I'm back, eating a Peanut Butter Cookie Luna Bar (Just for Women, my ass) and ready to introduce a new installment on the blog: Life Changingly Awesome Query Letters. Expect a new one to a different magazine every few weeks. Or better yet, don't expect one. That way, you'll be totally surprised when it comes.

To:Christopher Keyes
Editor
Outside Magazine

From: Kevin Alexander
Re: Query!!!;)

Dear Mr. Keyes,

ROAAARR!!!!! Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. You're quite safe. Physically at least. But your mind is about to be scared out of its complacency. What you just read was the sound that a bear makes. Transitionally, did you know that Panda Bears cannot walk on their hind legs? Of course you didn't. You're just one man. Which is exactly why you need my services. Plus bears, like hippies, live Outside in the wilderness. Vis a Vis: they are a natural fit in your magazine.

When Calvin Coolidge said, "Time heals all wounds," he'd obviously never seen the wound inflicted by a bear on a moose in the driveway of a couple in Alaska that I just watched on Youtube. You should Google it, it's horrible stuff. But what would be more horrible for the readers of Outside magazine is if you don't include the obvious Best American Travel Writing 2008 story I'm about to drop on your ass.

Here's the payoff: I'd like to write a 6000-7000 word personal essay about my experience with bears. Now, because I've never actually seen a bear in person, a lot of this (3000-4000 words, at least) will be focused around a dream I had several years ago involving Daisy Fuentes, my Physics teacher from senior year of high school wearing a Skip-it, and a player from the Chicago Bears. The other 2000 words will probably be a pro-con list of reasons to keep a bear as a pet (example pro: companionship). Also, I can totally see a sidebar that lists famous bears and where they are now. And don't get me started on the art!!!

Although, admittedly, I haven't actually read your magazine myself, one of my good friends, Geoff, won a subscription when he switched over his credit card and so I've seen your covers. Fit, handsome men with a penchant for wetsuits and Dri-Fit workout gear, mountain peaks, and other worldly pleasures. And while these things are very nice (I myself am a very fit, extremely  handsome man), have you considered the bump in circulation you'd get if you threw a Panda mountain biking on the cover? Plus--and now I'm just thinking aloud--if the Panda wasn't wearing a biking helmet, wouldn't that sh*t be illegal and thusly controversial? Like it or not, controversy and Panda's sell f*cking magazines. That's just a fact.

Anyway, I should wrap this up, because I know you like things to stay on one page, but this is the portion where I list my qualifications. I'm a writer, Chrissy, a writer with a (newfound) passion for bears. I've written for a sh*t ton of magazines, I've got infinity clips, but I also have dreams, some of which involve bears, which I wrote about in the third paragraph. So how's about you and I get together over some lunch (Nobu is fine) and make this magic into a reality? It's the least you can do.

ROAAARRR! (Jk, Chris. Jk)

Kevin Alexander

ps- I know we're supposed to negotiate for payment, but I'll tell you: you give me 50 cents 4 bucks a word right now and I'll take the photo's of the Panda myself.
pps- As a bonus showcasing my photographing acumen, I've also enclosed a photo of my nephew playing in the yard, who, you must admit, is very cute (strong genetics). But I'm going to need it back. And before the holidays.

Pictured Below: A Non-Panda trying to burn off the calories from the moose, and a Skip It, the "in" toy of 1987.

Bad Excuse Introductory Sidenote: Like a pregnant Elisabeth Hasselbeck and the rest of the View posse, I took the weekend off. Some people might call that selfish and lazy, and those people would be my father, but I call it regeneration, a chance to build back the atrophying muscles in my legs and behind and start anew. Or fresh. Or something. But that doesn't mean I didn't write. No sir. It just means I didn't write well. Or as I probably would've said before re-reading this, goodish.

Words: 1834
Feelings: Confusion, Urgency, Emotional Misgivings

Fears: My book's ending can't possibly make sense, I have an urge to take off my silk writing gloves and slap one of my characters, that despite getting 150 million in box office sales (just in Canada and the US), Spiderman won't be able to escape his inner demons.

Thoughts: The thing is, your writing doesn't always have to make sense, right? Like, for instance, say you get through 1800 words and realize that, you know, maybe some of them aren't actually words (constabulating?) and that all a lot of them don't actually help do anything to the plot or character development so you spend a goodish length of time talking to one of your friends who is in the midst of law school finals asking him to help explain some of your character's motivations and he tells you that this is impossible for him seeing how he has never read the book nor does he wish to, and that, maybe, at some point in the future, if the book was published and out in hard cover, he would make a point of possibly checking it out of the library but right now he has to finish an exam on Contracts and, unless you are willing to tell him some potentially viable information re: the laws of Contracts, he has to go, and, by the way, those two new titles that you came up with for your book are not only not funny, they don't even really make sense and could turn off the three or four readers that are actually willing to purchase your book, but you should call him next week because he will be in NYC and maybe when you are there for the WD Conference and the BEA, you guys can get some drinks and talk about professional sports. That's totally fab okay, right?

Question to Ponder: Has it ever really paid off to buy the " full week VIP bracelet package" from your super fun STA rep while on Spring Break?

Join me tomorrow when I realize that writing in Baskerville Semibold isn't as intensely bold as it sounds.

More than Words,

Ex,
treme

PS- Pictured below: Two dudes high fivin' post purchase of their VIP bracelets, and an accurate drawing of the muscles in my legs.

The E Hasselbeck Pregnancy Watch: Thanks to Trina, who thanks Yahoo news, who thanks the Associated Press, who thanks the unnamed writer of the story, we have confirmed that the View's Elisabeth Hasselbeck and her tooth brushing ploy didn't have any effect on her husband's libido: She is pregnant again. No word on what they plan on naming the baby, but sources close to the state of Washington inform me that it probably won't be "Raven". When asked to comment, Barbara Walters said, "Wait. I thought I was on 20/20."We will continue to bring you information you probably don't need about a show only I seem to care about as it becomes available.

Words: 1045
Feelings: Let Down, Disappointment, Fatigue, Athlete's Foot?

Fears: I can't think of anything to write about, I can't develop any of my characters in the ways that I want to, E Hass won't even consider naming her new kid (boy or girl) Kevin Alexander because she's selfish and doesn't check her email, I have what looks like a splinter in the side of my face which explains my father's sudden desire to "get take-out", I was not invited to be a contestant on the new CBS reality show called "Pirate Master" (seriously. that's seriously a new show) .

Thoughts: Looking back, it was inevitable. You write a crucial climatic scene, you feel good about it, your word count is high, your cholesterol is low, you don't have any splinters and definitely none near your face, you just have to expect you're going to get burnt. Out.

And burnt I got, to the tune of 8 hours, 1000 words. According to my math background that's like one word every... um, sh*t. See how hard this is?

I tried, friends. I tried so hard to keep it going, but I literally couldn't think of anything to write. I knew that the chapter following the big climatic chapter would be sort of a transitional chapter, a "come-down" chapter, I had a vague (three line) outline of what needed to happen in said chapter, I refilled my Earl Grey tea four different times, I was wearing comfortable pants and clean undieskins, and still, still...empty. The fact that I managed to even get 1000 words is a testament to my refusal to get up and use the bathroom until that was so, even though almost everything I wrote was a self-parody of a self-parody of my actual work.

Even enjoying a California Club Pizza from CPK in the company of my father did nothing to shake up the "creative juices".

"I believe the term is stir up the creative juices," said my dad.

See, friends? See the environment that I'm working in? How can anyone get good work done when their father clearly doesn't love them? Or, maybe worse, does love them, which leaves them with no angst, bitterness or pent up aggression to pour onto the page?

Join me tomorrow when I overcome these setbacks and drop 2000 words worth of digitized magic before finding out that the splinter in my face is just an ingrown hair.

I Guess You're Just What I Needed,

The,
Cars

PS- Pictured Below: The Show I couldn't get on, Barbara and Rosie in a rare embrace, and the pizza that, despite being delicious, failed to get me my groove back.

Words: 984
Feeling: Dramatically Displayed Disgust.

Sins: Sloth-like Avarice, Compulsive Gluttony

Fears: I suffer from productivity hangovers, I need Ritalin badly but am too lazy to get tested for ADD, I will never get to the Seventh Operating Thetan Level of Scientology.

Thoughts: Thinking isn't exactly working out for me today. Look at the word count, friends. My brain stopped. Luckily it's the weekend, so I'm not expecting anyone to read this. They should be out in the sun, absorbing the Daily Recommended Value of Vitamin D in an effort to avoid ricketts.

But, as a bonus for the sun-haters, I will provide the famous pro-immigration speech by Alicia Silverstone from Clueless:

Mr. Hall: Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America? Amber will take the con position. Cher will be pro. Cher: 2 minutes.

Cher: So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources? But it's like when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that, like, did not R.S.V.P. So I was, like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings; but by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier!

And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty? Thank you very much."

Question to Ponder: Would Tom Cruise handcuffed and forced to share a loveseat with notable psychiatrist Dr. E. Fuller Torrey, M.D. make a better replacement for Rosie on "The View" than Raven? Keep in mind, Cruise is handsome.

None of this makes a lick of sense. All apologies.

Who Can It Be Now,

Men at,
Work

PS- Pictured Below: Cruise operating at Thetan Level 7, known colloquially as the "Olive Garden"  level. And a rickett-free Orangutan.

 

 

Brief Unrelated Sidenote: As a regular viewer of Elizabeth Hasselbeck "The View", I feel it's my duty as a journalist to relay the news that Rosie O'Donnell is leaving the show after only one year. Fox News is speculating that it's because of obscene comments she made this week, while MSNBC made a clever "The View Not So Rosie" play on words. Either way, sh*t is going down. A semi-informative link relating everything inconsequential about this is below:  http://www.showbuzz.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/04/25/tv/main2725526.shtml
Now normally I don't weigh in on these matters, but if ABC knows what's good and hot and potentially off the hook, they will quickly replace Rosie with Raven-Symoné Pearman of "That's So Raven" and "Cosby Show" fame. You heard it here first. Now on to the real thing:

Words: 1122
Feelings: Dissatisfaction with output, Curiosity about the effects of ADHD, Ambivalence towards footwear at Journeys and Foot Locker.

Sins: Wrath, Unfettered Avarice, Sloth

Fears: I can't possibly put together back to back days of productivity, I'm avoiding pushing the plot forward for unknown psychological reasons stemming from my childhood, I didn't bring nearly enough underwear on my trip.

Thoughts: Remember yesterday? Remember how much I wrote? As Mike LaFontaine said in A Mighty Wind, 'wha' happened'? Well, I'll tell you wha' happened: It's called the mall, friends. The University Town Center in La Jolla to be exact. There I was, hard at work smoothly operating my computer, maximizing my touch typing skills, about to get to an important, climatic part of the book when my dad said, "Hey, I'm going to the mall, do you need anything?"
Do I need anything? Me? Well, no, of course I don't, but that doesn't mean I don't want to go walk around an outdoor mall with no good stores and a decent skating rink. I quickly invited myself along.
"But you need to write," my dad said, almost pleadingly, potentially because he didn't want to sit in the car with me and listen to me talk about having to write.
But, alas, I assured him I would write later and stay quiet in the car, and not bother him about changing his Smooth Jazz 98.1 to something with a little more "edge".
Three hours, two shoe stores and one Sports Chalet purchase later, we went back to the house, where I sat in the hot tub reading and "brainstorming" until dinner. A late night push to up my word count was for naught, as I ended up face down stretched out on an ottoman in my brother's room. Not good, friends, not good at all.

Question to Ponder: Does Fox News truly believe that, as their headline suggests, "Disco Family Dance Parties" are "popular all over the country"?
Seemingly Obvious Moral: Don't write your blog in a room with multiple tvs turned to news stations.

Until tomorrow, when I attempt to "bring it".

The Only Living Boy in New York,

Simon &,
Garfunkel

PS- Pictured Below: Raven telling Bill Cosby about the perils of over-saturating the junk bond market, and Raven now, just being so, so...oh f*ck, I forget how the saying goes.