Yesterday, during dinner with my father, I had a breakthrough. "Holy  
(swear word)," I said, during one of our long stretches of silence.  
"That's how I should do it!"
"Are you drunk," my father asked me (I wasn't!), but I chose to  
abstain from comment as I'd already excused myself and headed back to  
my room where I spent the next three hours sorting out several scenes  
I'd been thinking about all week. I finally figured out how I wanted  
to end a crucial middle chapter scene (important semi-secret revealed  
in dialogue!), and that ending coincides nicely with this vignette I  
have to write (the book is told in two parts). I know all of this is  
vague and sounds semi-made up, but I swear--by the moon and the stars  
and the sky-- the connections developed post-dinner yesterday have  
rendered my book almost readable.

So that was a positive. Because the rest of the day was utterly  
horrible. It rained here, which my dad thinks I had something to do  
with ("Do you think it's a coincidence that it's rained twice since  
you've been here and once before that in the past month?" "Yes."  
"Well...I don't."), and my writing was largely devoid of nouns and  
clauses. I did drink seven waters, though.

The Father-Son Relationship Quote of the Day:
During an introduction:
"This is my son."
(Pause)
"He's a writer."
(Long Pause)
"Of sorts."

Anyway, I will be taking a side trip up to San Francisco for the next  
few days--a city I've never actually been to, but tell everyone that  
I love--to see some friends. Now I can't say for certain, but I'm  
pretty sure that at least one of the Internets works up there, so we  
can continue our conversation while I'm (insert touristy San  
Francisco activity here).

And fear not: the hits from 1998 keep coming. Because when everything  
feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive. Right?

Iris,

Goo Goo Dolls.

Words are complicated. Back in the old days, I used to know if I'd  
accomplished something by my word count. I'd say: I'm going to write  
2000 words today and then I'm going to eat a club sandwich and have  
several Arnold Palmers. And I'd know that I was being productive,  
because the 2000 words were there, sitting tangibly on my (very  
expensive) computer screen. This made it easier to enjoy my club  
sandwich.

But the re-write isn't all charging club sandwiches and Arnold  
Palmers to your father and asking if you can borrow his car for  
several hours to "run errands" by the outlets in Carlsbad.  The word  
counts go up and down in an unpredictable fashion. Yesterday I  
deleted 46 pages of crap and rewrote 18. I have now connected the  
entire middle of my book to the end so that it no longer seems like I  
spent the middle chapters writing a (hilarious?) short story about  
the mall that had nothing to do with the rest of my work. But like  
the temperatures in my home state, my word count is low. I  need to  
get over this, friends, and it starts by ignoring the word count. And  
maybe writing more?

My Father-Son Relationship Quote of the Day: "So when you finished  
that jar of pickles did it even cross your mind 'hey maybe I should  
go the store and replace them'?"

Today I am attempting to clean up those middle chapters I just re-
wrote and plow through the back end of the book, editing with a  
passion and fury unseen in SoCal. I will keep you so up in the loop  
that you'll feel like you are writing this book and I'm just sitting  
in the hot tub text messaging emoticons.

I'm also going to need to get some pickles.

Let's do this again tomorrow.

Oh, also: Song sign offs this week are exclusively coming from the  
year 1998. Mostly because that was a great year for network  
television. ( Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place, we hardly knew ye)

Truly, Madly,
Deeply

Savage Garden

If you're writing a novel, and you've gotten past the third chapter  
without thinking about a sequel, you, friend, are behind. College  
level math shows that writers who have ideas beyond the book they're  
writing are more likely to a) get agents b) get published to multiple  
book deals and c) stay fit well into pregnancy. But if this is not  
you, do not lose hope, like most people did after the first season of  
The O.C. All is not lost. You may have a sequel in there somewhere.  
You just need to take this quiz to find out.

1. Finally (but, like, in a good way) your first book ends. Pick the  
letter which best parallels your own main character's plight at the  
end of said book.

A. After nearly falling for the wrong girl during the 70s dance bc  
she could do the Hustle, Casey gets back together with the love of  
his life, Drew. But as Casey and Drew ride off in their 2007 Chrysler  
Sebring convertible to spend a weekend in South Beach at the Raleigh  
Hotel because the pool is nice, the girl that did the Hustle stands  
by the side of the road shouting, "This isn't over! In fact, this is  
just beginning!"  Then she follows them in her own Chrysler Sebring,  
which is a hard top.
B. Although they failed to find the lost treasure of Zion, the book  
ends with Casey and Drew both moving to the Nolita section of New  
York City, where they get internships at Runway fashion magazine  
under the notorious (but personally fragile!) Miranda Priestly.
C. The book ends with Casey treating his lady friend Drew to some  
waffles at the Waffle House. Drew looks down at the place setting  
underneath her Toddle House Ham and Cheese Omelet, which lists all of  
the other Waffle House locations nation-wide and says, "Hot Tuesday,  
Casey! They just opened a new Waffle House in Groveport!"
"Groveport, Ohio?" Casey asks.
"It has to be!" Drew looks across the table, his eyes shining. "Are  
you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Casey says, "No."
D. Casey dies of a love stroke. And right before he dies, he ties up  
a bunch of loose ends. The book ends with the doctor saying (directly  
to the reader), "There's nothing more to be done. Or said. Or, like,  
typed."

2. Your attitude towards re-utilizing your characters from your first  
book could best be characterized by which Justin Timberlake/NSync song?

A. I'll Never Stop
B. What Goes Around Comes Around
C. Bye Bye Bye
D. The Game is Over

Key:
Mostly A's: Congratulations. You are all sequeled up and have left  
many opportunities for reprisals in other books. Quite literally, you  
might have the potential to write infinity books about your  
characters. I smell the next Babysitter's Club series.

Mostly B's: Yes! Like in real life, you've left some awkward loose  
ends that invite the possibility for sequel without completely  
overdoing it. You feel comfortable with your characters but know that  
a change in locale/age/perspective might be just the ticket to  
keeping them fresh and ever developing. And if you didn't know that  
before, well, now you do.

Mostly C's: You're not necessarily in a prime position to rock a  
sequel, but, hey, it's not like your main character died. Right?  
Right? Oh. Well...hmmmm.

Mostly D's: To say that you're not really feeling a sequel would be  
tantamount to me saying that I only watch Justin Timberlake's live  
Madison Square Garden Concert on HBO OnDemand every time I come home  
intoxicated and I've stopped feeling weird about it. In other words,  
an understatement.

Let me know how sequeled up you are in the Comment portion of the  
show. And, as Danny requested, my very best Foreigner pick...

Cold as,
ice

Foreigner

Post Script for Pre-Promotional Sidenote: On Sunday, I spent 8 hours on a train.  
Well, two trains. The reasoning behind my sudden and drastic increase  
in train-related travel was to go to NYC for a 7 hour period to film  
a series of short web videos that will debut in the Spring on this  
very internet locale (among other locales). Despite me being  
involved, you should not automatically assume the worst. Said  
webisodes feature actual professional actresses/comedians/TOW book  
authors and a real director and a real sound guy, all of whom used  
real film lingo like "soundcheck" and "action" during the filming. I  
do not want to give any more away other than to say that everyone was  
extremely impressive, I was very nervous, and getting (repeatedly)  
slapped in the face isn't actually as bad as I thought. Keep your  
internets antenna up for more info as we come close to the drop date. 

Last summer, I took a lit course on postmodern fiction. It was a  
sampling of different postmodern authors from Pynchon and Burroughs  
to Foster-Wallace and Mark Leyner and, aside from being a very good  
course, it had some sort of impact on my writing. As several peer-
pressure induced incidents in my life can attest (wearing my sister's  
deodorant on a hilarious "double dare", drinking Kahlua mixed with  
OJ, bleaching my hair in my basement bathroom the day before soccer  
tryouts sophomore year of high school, etc), I can be easily  
influenced, and my writing bears that same mark. For shame.

Post-course, I spent several weeks trying to incorporate "postmodern"  
influences into my writing. But then I realized--in some sort of meta-
philosophical postmodern moment while I (might have) been watching  
the Matrix-- that by even trying to utilize "postmodern" influences,  
I was going against the whole point of postmodernism, which is to  
challenge using a standard template. So I scrapped trying to think  
about it like that, and just decided to do whatever pleased my  
writerly palate.

Now usually I'm very secretive about what I have going on in my book,  
for fear that people will copy my ideas and then do a much, much  
better job using them and get their work out before me, so that--in  
the end--when I complain about someone jacking my ideas, I just kind  
of look like (more of a) whiny (you fill in the swear word here). And that, as my editor might  
say, is not poison. But today I will reveal my idea. It is neither  
original, nor is it very good, and my thesis adviser calls it  
"unnecessarily risky to the point of stupidity" but I remain unfazed because,
like Mary J. Blige, "I don't need no hateration."

Anyway, this is the idea: There is one particular scene in my book  
that is includes a college bar fight. Yawn, right? College bar fights  
happen all of the time at colleges and bars, especially colleges with  
fraternities and/or varsity football. But, wait! For this particular  
scene and this particular scene only, I have set up the entire thing  
like you're reading a play script complete with stage directions and  
all of that jazz. Eat that, Foster Wallace. Postmodern genuisocity  
indeed!

I know, I know, it's a great idea, and I will no doubt probably make  
Outside Magazine's 2008-2009 Winter Hot List. But there remains a  
chink in my seemingly invincible use of armor. Problem is, I don't  
really know how to write a play script. Like, not at all. So I need  
to look at some examples of actual play scripts so I can mimic the  
form and make sure it's exactly as I want it. And problem #2: I can't  
seem to find any of this business via Ask Jeeves. Which is where you,  
friends, come in.

If someone can find an example online of a useful play script that  
has all of the necessary bells and whistles (stage directions,  
dialogue, etc) that I can access via me clicking something using my  
mouse, I will do you a solid by linking to the 80s or early 90s  
artists music video of your choosing. You simply select the artist  
and allow me to use my YouTubing skill set to find an appropriate  
tasteful vid. Unfortunately for the music community, I will only put  
up a link to the first person who submits successfully. The rest I  
will hold very close to my heart and burn onto a mix CD that I will  
give to the Big Cat for Valentine's Day.

Heat of,
the moment

Asia

PS- I feel this anecdote sums up nicely the state of the New England  
sporting community post Patriots Super Bowl loss. Heard outside of my  
apt minutes after the loss: a college age dude in a white Brady  
jersey talking to another dude wearing a blue Bruschi Pats jersey:  
"It's not just that I feel let down, I just...I just...I don't even  
know."
Friend: "Sucks, man."
Brady Jersey: "Oh, f***. You know what I just remembered?"
Friend: "What?"
Brady Jers: "Valentines Day."
Friend: "Yeah."
Brady Jers: "February is gonna suck."

I, like many youngish people, use the text message feature on my cell phone in an excessive manner, which is indisputably annoying and potentially harmful, especially when trying to cut things or cross major intersections. But unlike a lot of other young people who are probably just text messaging their friends to tell them about the cute boyz they sat by at the new Hannah Montana film, I, friends, am making history. See, I am writing a hit novel. On my cell phone.  Although the fad has yet to hit the US, cell phone novels are huge in Japan. Seriously. Some 21 year old lady friend named Rin tapped out a novel on her cell phone that sold 400,000 copies in hardcover. The New York Times proves this by saying so here:  http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/20/world/asia/20japan.html?_r=1&ref=books&oref=slogin

And so, in honor of this newfound use of my text messaging ability, I just wrote a novel on my cellphone during the car ride back from my grandparents house in Springfield. It will come out in limited release (to all of my Contacts on my Contact List) later on this week but as a sneak preview, I am posting a never-before-seen portion on the Writer's Digest site. So, without further adieu, here is a two chapter excerpt from The Nite Out by Kevin Alexander: 

Ch 1.
Sup, said John.
N/M. U? said Geoff.
Geoff told him he'd promised 2 get drinks L8R w/ a cute girl that he met at the mall. John says kewl but sarcastically. John h8s the mall, and tells Geoff. Geoff LOLs but doesn't mean it.
4eva ago the 2 were BFF. Now John and Geoff seemed 2 be not awesome. 10sion loomed.

Ch 2.
OMG, is this Boyz II Men? Carrie wondered. I f-ing heart B II M!
Geoff nods and turns his iTrip up.
I also have Jodeci, Geoff offers.
RU kidding me, Carrie says aloud. Carrie thinks he might be 4 her.
I didn't know U heart music, Carrie said, LOLing. U R a QT! We;ve G2G to a concert sometime.
Totes, Geoff says. U know who else hearts music? John.
Who's John. Carrie wants to know.
No 1. says Geoff. At least not 4 now.

There it is, friends. Can't you totally see the developing narrative arc? And don't get me started on the tensions arising between the protagonists/antagonist... I know, I'm surprised it's my first cell phone novel too. I'll let you know how the bidding goes when the deal for the manuscript inevitably goes to auction.

JK.

Loungin',
(Remix)

LL Cool J

Hello friends,

I hope you--like me-- found time over the holiday to reflect on the year that was and consume nearly twice your daily recommended caloric intake in Lindt chocolate truffles and kind-of-gross, kind-of-really-good alcoholic Egg Nog. But now that I've New Years Resolutioned Up and thrown away anything and everything even vaguely brown in my apartment in favor of leafy greens and Guava Goddess Kombucha tea, and I'm finally ready to be back in my normal writing routine, I realized something: I'm kind of rusty.

Due to the holiday and some unforeseen family stuff, I didn't get a chance to write for two weeks. And so today, when I sat back down in the familiar confines of Espresso Royale, after attempting to nod tentatively at the regulars (you know: the hippies, the college age dude in a bowler cap who is always reading one of the free alternative weeklies and tracing something on a pad, and the loud, unpredictable counter-culture girl with multiple piercings, an eerily normal looking boyfriend, and either a drug problem or an unusually small bladder), I tried to pick up where I left off on my novel re-writes and discovered, to my horror, that I couldn't, well, do anything. Ideas were vague, plot connections muddled. I couldn't remember the name of one of my central characters. I spent a terrifyingly long 45 minutes re-reading back chapters just to get a sense of what I was writing about only to find that when I finally remembered, I didn't have anything creative in the tank. So I went and ordered a Turkey Avocado Club on a sesame bagel.

And while I was sitting down to slay said lunch treat (I know, I know, bagels are terribly caloric), I started to think about why I was rusty. Unlike writer's block, (which-- I should point out-- is usually just my excuse to watch "The View"), it wasn't that I couldn't get anything on the page, it was more that I was forgetting what I needed to put on said page. Which reminded me that writing a novel is just like speaking a language. If you stop working, you lose your fluency, your momentum, and your ability to remember the names of secondary characters that play vital roles nearly all the way through the book. Of course, sometimes breaks are good, and necessary even, to clear your head or give a draft another look with a fresh set of eyes. But not while you're in the thick of things, and not when you have to turn in a certain draft of said piece of work to a certain thesis adviser in a certain amount of days, and you only have another 44 minutes of battery on your laptop, and the hippies are hogging the tables by the power outlet.

So, in conclusion, my break, while important were I to ever need this excess weight during hibernation, was not what experts might call "smart" or even "logical under the circumstances". Let me know if you suffered the same fate of holiday-induced indolence or feel free to heap on the guilt by telling me about the thousands and thousands of words you produced while your relatives were talking. Either way, drop it in the comments.

We Got,
The Beat

The Go-Go's

I don't think it would be a stretch to say that I have weird writing  
habits. I spend most of my writing time pacing around my room talking  
aloud to myseWlf, I'm most productive working during the Wesley-Snipes-
in-Blade type hours of 12-4 AM, and I'm most comfortable typing flat  
on my back with the computer resting on my knees like I'm about to do  
a semi-intense set of sit-ups. But lately I've been most conscious of  
my inability to work without music.

My writing friends seem to fall into or between two specific camps  
here. There is the "I could type an essay while sitting in the choral  
pit during a live performance by Blue Man Group with a special  
appearance by Gallagher, such is my ability to concentrate" camp and  
the "I can't hear the question you just asked because it would  
require taking off my noise-canceling headphones and leaving my panic  
room, which will ruin any chance I have of working today" camp. The  
polar ends on both sides suggest particularly neurotic behavior, but,  
as Google claims John Wayne said, "a man (or woman) writer has got to  
do what a man (or woman) writer's got to do."

Now I have very specific music needs. I can't listen to any music  
that has words in it, because I end up thinking about those words  
rather than whatever acrostic poem I happen to be working on. Also,  
depending on the genre and the proximity to my deadline, the music  
changes in severity/intensity/genre.  Here is the sampling of my  
playlist according to what I'm working on:

Novel Chapters and Fiction: Spanish Guitar Magic.
Reasoning: In high school I was walking past a Brookstone (note:  
could have been A Sharper Image), when I overheard the rapturous  
sounds of a guitar playing some latin-themed something. Entranced by  
said music, I entered the store and sat in one of those vibrating  
massage chairs for a little under an hour, or until I was kicked out,  
listening to the music. After inquiring what said music was, I bought  
the opened CD black market style off of one the cashiers for ten  
bucks. Anyway, this is the music that I listen to when writing my  
book or any work of fiction. It is a two hour playlist of Andres  
Segovia, Carlos Montoya and Manuel De Falla tearing it up Spanish  
Guitar Hero-style, and it is soothing, acoustic and has little to no  
words. It reminds me of what it might feel like if I was in the  
Spanish version of The Thomas Crowne Affair and for whatever reason,  
that thought makes me productive. Plus, it drowns out the hippies.

Magazine Articles and Columns: Buena Vista Social Club and Jazz  
Compilation of Miles Davis/John Coltrane
Reasoning: I don't know why my writing seems to be obsessed with the  
sounds of Latin America, but there it is. Maybe I use this mix during  
non-fiction because the music has more flair and edge, or maybe the  
constant improvisational moods in the jazz mimic what I have to do as  
I'm piecing together a story. Or maybe I just dig horns.

54.8 Minutes Before Deadline Regardless of Genre: The Last of the  
Mohican Soundtrack
Reasoning: Um, have you ever seen Last of the Mohicans? Daniel Day  
Lewis is always running, and always throwing things, and there is  
serious sense of urgency. Especially in the song "Promentory". This  
music screams, "finish this or Magua will kill the gray hair's  
daughter!!!"Once this music is on, I'm all about the benjamins baby
business. Probably because I only have 54.8 minutes till deadline.

Anyway, I'm curious to see where and into what camp you fall. Pro-
music? Con-music? Musically Neutral like the Swiss? And if you do  
slay music while writing, what does your playlist look like? Or  
perhaps more importantly, how many Rick Astley songs do you have on  
there?

I await your thoughts via the Commentary.

I Will,
Find You

Daniel Day Lewis

Hello Friends. You know how--when you, um hypothetically, buy the DVD of The Notebook-- there are all those special features and deleted scenes with Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling that you're so glad you got a chance to see, because they really have a great chemistry? Well  consider this blog entry a sort of writing deleted scene fresh from the floor of the editorial cutting room. What you're about to read is an entry I wrote for my This Writer's Life column that wasn't used because it focused entirely too much on my personal as opposed to my professional writing life. Rather than just burying it in the time capsule in my backyard with the rest of my rejected works, I thought it would make a nice teaching point to show that--even after three years of writing a column--I still get things rejected. Plus, with global warming and everything, I think it's part of my duty to recycle, especially 1100 words worth of material. Anyway, here she is, for no extra charge, my Special Edition Deleted Column.

The Best of,
What's Around

DMB


Several weeks ago, I got a call from my mother. Normally, I get lots of calls from my mother, most of them focused around the infrequency with which I answer my phone, but I could tell from the tone of her voice that this was more serious. She informed me that my grandmother had rather unexpectedly gotten very sick very fast and that there was little that could be done. After a few moments of stunned silence, my mom then informed me that my grandmother had a request. She wanted me to write something for her to be read at an upcoming family gathering.

“Did she specify what she wants me to write?” I asked my mom, hoping what she really wanted was some sort of 3 or 4 line rhyming poem, a pre-pubescent Kevin Alexander specialty.

But I wasn’t going to get off that easy. “Whatever you want to do is fine, dear,” my mom said. “Grandma said you’d know just what to write.”

After I hung up with my mom, I sat and thought about what I was going to do. I felt both honored and extremely nervous. I was upset, of course, as I love my grandmother and she’s played a large part in raising me and sickness and loss are never easy to deal with, but I also knew she was older now and she’d lived a great life and so I couldn’t pretend that a small part of my mind wasn’t expecting something like this. And seeing how I’m the only one in my family who writes anything longer than a grocery list, my grandparents had long ago asked me to write and read their eulogies when they passed.

As a writer in a family of non-writers, you come to expect to handle these types of tasks, and, personally, I think they’re the most rewarding. Don’t get me wrong, I love and crave the vanity and personal pleasures of seeing my name in print and spend upwards of twenty minutes a day Googling myself in new and creative ways, but there is something so intimate and honorable about being given the chance to celebrate the life of someone you loved, something so emotionally powerful and important that you can’t help but be taken in by it. Writing is one of those rare skills that afford you the chance to take thought, emotion and coherency and put it towards the memory of another. But writing something honoring someone’s life after they’re gone is one thing. Doing it while they’re still alive is a completely different story.

I spent the next week or so in a daze, my work falling off, my head clouded by the task at hand. No matter what I’m writing, I tend to go through three stages during the writing process. The first is elation, because I’m so excited about getting a new assignment. This usually consists mostly of me bragging to my friends about the cool and unique opportunity I’ve been afforded and why my life is so much more artistically profound than theirs. Other people tend not to like my elation phase. Standing in direct contradiction is the second phase, which could be most aptly summed up as the despondency phase. It’s during this phase that I realize the weight and breadth of said task, and begin to, in the words of my roommate, “lose my shit”. The one positive aspect of this phase is that my apartment gets very, very clean. The final phase is, of course, the “you’ve left yourself with no time to do anything else so you better sit your ass down and finish this before you get fired” phase, which is pretty much self-explanatory.

Because of the uniqueness of this assignment and the limited time frame I was working in, I seemed to be experiencing all three phases simultaneously. I was obviously excited, but that excitement was crippled by a horrible fear of failure, and a voice in the back of my head that kept reminding me of the importance of the task at hand. Talking to Ramsey didn’t help much either.

“Dude, you have to make this perfect, like some Gettysburg Address/Good Will Hunting type shit,” he said, when I told him about what I was expected to do. “Wow. That’s a lot of pressure. If I was you, I’d probably have completely freaked out and—as you know—I pretty much dominate pressure situations.”

My main problem was that I didn’t know what sort of thing to write. Should it be some sort of eulogy-esque remembrance or a nostalgia-inducing poem or something funny to rise spirits? Should I get other family members involved? What about word count?

After another week of sleepless stress, I finally decided to ask my grandfather. I’d been putting off talking to him about it, mostly because I feared that any more talk of my grandmother’s sickness would be too stressful for him. And, if I’m being honest with myself, I also kept quiet because I secretly fear bringing up sad or distressing topics, often taking painful lengths to avoid talking about them while internally freaking out. Not exactly healthy, I know.

So it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that my grandfather was more than happy to talk about it. And when I asked about what specifically I should do, he laughed.

“Kevin, Kevin, Kevin,” he said. “You think your grandmother will be concerned about the form of whatever you present? She’d be thrilled if you read from a science book, as long as it was you doing it. Just do something that will let her know how much we care about her. Maybe you make us laugh a little, maybe you make us cry, whatever, just so she knows we’re there and we’re thinking about her.”

My grandfather paused for a little. “Oh, and one other thing.”

“Yeah?”

“Just make sure it’s not another one of those damn rhyming poems.”

Freed from the shackles of my own mind, I wrote the entire thing one afternoon at my mother’s house, looking through some old pictures and albums. I’m presenting it to the family in three days. Hopefully, there are things in there to make our family laugh, cry and remember just what my grandmother means to us.

And perhaps most importantly, none of it rhymes.

I am working on a deadline for Boston Magazine. The deadline is this  
Thursday. And, at the moment, that seems manageable. I am (mostly)  
done with the reporting, I have (partially) transcribed the  
interviews, I even (vaguely) know what I'm trying to say. Of course,  
there are other things for me to do as well, smaller-ish things, like  
preparing a presentation about the mechanics and literary devices  
employed by Philip Roth when beginning and ending chapters in The  
Human Stain, re-writing a portion of a chapter to turn into my  
workshop and writing, you know, this blog, but the deadline is the  
major looming thing in my life this week. The deadline rules. And  
this stresses me out.

Now, in my "writing life", I have written several blogs, columns, and  
features about my procrastination issues. As my editors can surely  
attest, they are more than well-documented. They are, perhaps, over-
documented. So this is not another recounting of the various  
techniques I actively and passively employ to facilitate not writing  
(examples I will not be giving: constantly getting up to refill my  
water, organizing my books by author then re-organizing them by  
genre, typing 200 words worth of swear words or catch phrases,  
etc.) . No sir. Totally not that. Instead, I am attempting to examine  
the psychology behind my dangerous and job-threatening need to  
procrastinate. Because if we can get under the hood and take a look--
to use a semi-incompatible cliche--maybe this baby will finally drive  
right. Onward self-examination!

Reason 1: I need the pressure to focus.
Analysis: Because I wait till the last moment to do things, I like to  
leave myself with little to no choice about whether or not I can work  
because--if I know I have time-- I will then rationalize doing  
something else, usually involving Netflix. Pressure leaves me no  
wiggle room, which forces me into a corner, which unleashes my  
creative side, which is something to behold a 4 AM. This excuse may  
have some legs.
What My Dad Would Say: You are lazy and unbecoming of the Alexander  
lineage.
What My Mom Would Say: I'm very proud of you, but I want you to get  
more sleep.

Reason 2: I have an acute fear of failure and/or not knowing what I'm  
doing.
Analysis: Every time I sit down to begin another article/blog/
chapter, I am stricken with the thoughts that I can't do it, I can't  
possibly pull off something again, that I will never write (blank)  
like the last (blank) that I wrote, and that I shouldn't even bother,  
and I should just get an internship at an Art Gallery.
What My Dad Would Say: You're not a closer. And an internship at an  
Art Gallery sounds unpaid.
What My Mom Would Say: You're the best writer ever, but I want you to  
get more sleep.

Reason 3: If someone else is doing something, I need to also be doing  
that thing.
Analysis: Like most people who spend their days locked up with their  
thoughts, I get lonely, even (or especially) when surrounded by  
hippies., which makes me susceptible to--like the title of R&B group  
'Nuttin Nice's song says-- being "down for whateva". Also, people  
with 9-5 jobs don't "think I do anything all day", and always call me  
when they a) have a day off, b) want to go out during the week, c)  
want to do something stupid like go to Europe for 4 months, and can't  
find any takers. Of course, when I say "people with 9-5 jobs", i mean  
my friend Casey.
What My Dad Would Say: If your friends jumped off the Tobin Bridge  
and into a low paying, non-health benefits filled "sea" of self-
doubt, would you? Oh God, don't answer that.
What My Mom Would Say: You're very unique, but I want you to get more  
sleep.

Reason 4: I'm just lazy.
Analysis: Maybe I'm just lazy.
What My Dad Would Say: Yep. You nailed it.
What My Mom Would Say: I agree with your father.

Anyway, I don't have time for this. I have to go stress about my  
deadline while watching a documentary about the rise of R&B on VH1  
Soul. I'm up to the part where they talk to Boyz II Men about Jodeci.  
Feel free to leave your own reasons as to why you think you  
procrastinate in a little something the Internet 2.0 likes to call  
the Comment(z) section and I'll try and update you on how things turn  
out. Let's get this money.

Thank,
You (live)

Boyz II Men

In order to sell your novel, books recommend having a unique "voice"
that separates you from the pack and wins you literary, commercial,
and social-emotional praise. The fact that books also recommend that
you be married to the chairman of Random House and/or Judith Regan is
neither here nor there. But what kind of voice do you want to have? Do
you want your voice to be strong and masculine like Hemingway and that
dude who told Oprah he woke up on an airplane with no teeth or clever
and flirty like Lauren Weisberger or whomever writes Candace
Bushnell's books? If you said neither, books would point out that
you're lying.

Either way, to discover where your voice fits in on the voice
spectrum, please take this short, two question quiz and then feel free
to spend the rest of the week in a semi-concussed state of food coma
remembering the vaguely worded story of Squanto and the Pilgrims
before venturing to the mall at 5 AM on Black Friday to buy
vanilla cookie candles at 40% off. It's totally worth it.

Directions: Read then choose, then read then choose, then learn.

1. Your protagonist finds themselves seated across from their true
love at the Olive Garden. Please describe said scene.

A. The breadsticks were warm and garlic-scented and I was hungry.
First, I was thirsty though and I ordered a whiskey and thought about
bull fighting and other sports. I like sports. A girl was there, I
think.

B. Unless he's being ironic or something, the fact that Jeremy even
considered taking me to an OG (in the burbs!!) is kind of ridic. Olive
Garden's are full of ew people, and ew people cannot appreciate the
fact that I squeezed into this Bottega Veneta Camel Shearling Shrug
and these Jimmy Choo Biker Leather Flat Boots With Rabbit Fur Lining.
I need like eleven Cosmo's.

C. Music. The gentle hum of the synthesized version of "Hey Ya"
reverberated off of the plush, faux-Italian decor. A cold rush came
over me, a suspicious rush of season's past, a remembrance of things
before, before a flood of emotions crept up on me like our vaguely
mustachioed waiter. As Daphne ordered her Endless Pasta Bowl, I
reflected on a time when the song of my love still played, still
reflected towards me like a pool of reflective water. That my heart
still beats is a wonder at all. I ordered the Tour of Italy and became
dour.

D. Don is famous for a lot of things, and most of those things have
something to do with being a naughty, naughty boy.
"Have you been a bad boy," I asked in a whisper, leaning over the
table as the waiter brought the breadsticks.
"You know I have," Don said, his crystal clear blue eyes running up
and down my body. I picked up a breadstick, seductively. Three minutes
later, we were doing it in the men's lavatory.

2. Your character finds themselves at an ATM machine needing money.
How do they handle it?

A. We went to the woman at the bank and requested money. She said to
use the machine. I told her I don't use machines. Walking home, I
tried to think of what she meant.

B. Jeremy made some joke about going "dutch" to dinner tonight, so I
went to the ATM, the one down on Houston and Mott in Nolita by that
cute brunch place Nolita House with the morning margarita's. Going
"dutch" wasn't my problem. My problem was that as I was walking up to
the ATM, I got my Purple Label Grey Metallic "Lizard" Crissy Evening
Sandals stuck in a grate and I slipped, nearly ruining my Adriano
Goldschmied Boyfriend Shorts and that cute top I borrowed from Kristin
(whose new thing, apparently, is not eating). I should have moved to
the Village.

C. Doors. Opening and closing, exposing and then covering up. The
automatic doors at the ATM remind me of the clapping hands of a
babysitter I once had, a small Latina woman with strong, callused
hands. Isn't life often like the closing and opening of doors, be they
automatic, manual or otherwise? Friends become enemies, enemies,
friends and the seasons pass with nay a look in the direction of God.
I've forgotten my ATM card.

D. "Where are we going to do it?" I asked Don, the bad boy actor. I
felt bad. So bad that I kind of felt good.
"I don't care baby, as long as it's hot and in public," Don said. He
was smoking a cigarillo.
"Well," I said, slyly plucking the cigarillo from his mouth and taking
a long pull. "The ATM machine has a camera."
"You're bad," Don said with a mischievous smile.
"I know," I said. "I am bad."

Key:

Mostly A's: Your sparse prose gives the bare minimum of details and
doesn't really let us "inside". You pull it off, you're Hemingway. You
don't, and you're (insert any male high school writer after just
reading Death in the Afternoon by Hemingway). I'm pulling for you.

Mostly B's: Your voice is a little bit sexy and a little bit city. As
long as your protagonist is 23-25 and working in a cool, creative,
city job (fashion, magazines, advertising, corporate accounting, etc)
with some boy trouble, you're pretty much already published.

Mostly C's: Oh, pseudo-literary. The eternal quest to flood the page
with hyper-symbolic prose and internal reflection. When it's good,
it's amazing, when it's bad, it's the worst. A little bit like sushi.

Mostly D's: You are Jackie Collins. And you are naughty.

Ok. Let me know where you stand in the comments. And--if you feel like
your voice wasn't given a shout out-- feel free to drop where exactly
you place yourself, preferably in that Hollywood movie-pitch style,
"Tom Clancy meets E. Annie Proulx at Ken Follett's house". Don't use
that one though, that's mine.

I Wanna Be,
Rich

Calloway